1982
My dad’s excuse for asking my mum out was that he wanted to learn English. He never had any real intention to learn English or any foreign language for that matter, but their date went well. Almost too well. Two years later I arrived as a surprise that tumbled their marriage. The delivery happened on the expected due date and that is said to be the last time I arrived on time.
There are several misconceptions, myths and unbelievable true stories regarding my first year on planet earth. The truth is I don’t remember anything but the dark blue fabric on the roof of my pram and watching the trees as I lay flat on my back. Sometimes I can feel the cotton sheet moving away and the terrible sting of the wooly blanket on my skin.
Let’s start with the harsh truth: I was “an accident”. Later in life, I learned that most kids are accidents because sane people don’t think of children while having sex. At that time I was an ignorant fetus so unplanned pregnancy was the least of my concerns. As the story goes, my existence brought luck to my family. My father got a job and all financial troubles went away- at least until my student loan many, many years later.
Everyone says that I started speaking way too early. I said my first word at three months old and, as many people can testify, I haven’t shut up since. It is also said that I could form sentences by the time I was six months and that by the completion of my first year I could speak “normally”, whatever that means. I was known in the neighborhood as the talking baby and that was probably the closest I’ve ever been to being famous.
Some say that I menacingly spat out any kind of food other than milk and eggs till I was three. Also, that I never slept at night, only during the day (a habit that has stuck with me until now.) Or, that I was a notorious prankster, although that’s probably the later years.
Another popular tale is that after my birth I was presented to the family members that were waiting anxiously outside the delivery room at the hospital. My grandmother still solemnly swears that I smiled at them. Was I a happy baby? I guess I’ll never know.
