This is How I Coped After Rape
The last thing that I wanted was to be ‘that girl,’ but I could no longer pretend it didn’t happen
My first thought after being raped was, “Just pretend like it didn’t even happen, and it will all be okay.” My second thought was, “He has a son, I can’t report him — he’ll lose rights to his son.”
The last thing that I wanted was to be that girl. You know, the girl who ‘cries rape,’ or the girl who is now ‘untouchable’ to guys. The girl who is ‘ruined.’
Numb
After I was sexually assaulted, I was surrounded by people who desperately wanted to help me. In my humble opinion, there is no perfect way to handle that kind of situation. Either you feel too suffocated — that certain things are moving too quickly while others are not moving fast enough — or some people are there too much, and you need space. Meanwhile, you also wish certain people would be there for you more.
Two of my sisters swooped in to help me instantly. They did the research on which rape center to take me to, they made the phone call and even drove me there. I worked directly with a victim assault advocate in my area to get the case rolling. I didn’t even want to press charges initially. The only problem was that if I didn’t, I would have to continue to work alongside him, and it would be selfish of me not to. You see, if I didn’t report him, he could strike again, and I could have been the one to prevent it.
For months, I was numb. I tried everything. I had always sworn against ever using any type of pharmaceutical drug, but I started therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD, OCD, ADD, and GAD (General anxiety disorder). I was prescribed a pharmaceutical cocktail and was genuinely hopeful that it could help me. The truth is, for me, anyway, there is no pill that could help me. What could help me feel better, from the type of pain I was feeling?
Pain
People don’t know how to talk about this kind of pain; in fact, it is sort of taboo. My pain manifested in panic attacks at random times. I would be walking outside of my workplace, not a worry in sight, and suddenly collapse and not be able to breathe. It felt like a wave crashed over me, and a pile of bricks dumped on my chest. Tears and crying, but nothing came to mind, no emotion, no reason per se. It would just happen, in the light of day at the most random of times.
This kind of pain that says, ‘I wish people knew what I am going through, I wish they could understand. But I also wish that it wasn’t even an issue, to begin with. I don’t want to be a hindrance to anyone else. I don’t want to inflict anyone else with this burden or this pain.’
This pain isn’t anything tangible. It’s not a headache or an upset stomach. It’s that feeling when you’re at the top of the roller coaster, about to plummet down. Except there is no bottom, and there is no roller coaster. You are just falling and falling, while waves of bricks crash over you.
There is a Light at the End of the Tunnel
From my experience, time is the best medicine. I got off the meds, rather quickly I might add. They did not help me; it made things worse from the start. I gained over twenty pounds, I had never had bad acne, but I had this terrible rash on my face that caused scarring. The Doctor said it was an allergic reaction to the Wellbutrin. I also tried about five other drugs in the course of about a year.
Time and positivity. That’s the medicine that worked for me. If I could go back, I would do things differently; however, during that time, it was as though my soul turned out the lights, it went into hiding for a while. I slept most of the day away, and would wake up still tired. I never ate anything, but still managed to gain so much weight. It seemed like no matter what I did. I was just plain depressed.
Here are some things that helped me after I got off the medications. These are some things that if I could go back and talk to my younger self, this is what I would tell her.
Find a Friend
You are not a hindrance. Find a friend to talk to — someone that will listen. For me, that was my mom. My sisters were there too, and my best friend, Kelly. Kelly was there for me to hang out with and to take my mind off of things. My mom was there for the deeper, intimate talks if I needed them. There are also many support groups that would be really beneficial to attend, as well.
Therapy
Finding a good therapist can take some time, and usually you have to go through a few initial sessions to get to the meat of what you’re actually going there for. Stick around. I guarantee you it is so worth it. I used to be so against therapy, I thought it was for ‘pathetic people’ (I’m sorry!! Just being honest), and honestly, I think the world would be a MUCH better place if more people went to therapy.
Meditation
Meditating means different things to different people. It could be laying out in the sun for a catnap, not thinking, just relaxing. It could be cooking, driving, cleaning. Meditating is good for the soul. It helps you connect to your inner, true self. As you dive deeper, you can start to process the things that you have buried deeper inside.
Some people cry during or after meditating. Some people laugh uncontrollably. Some people experience unexplainable physical pain.
Some people believe that we have physical pain buried deep within us that can even cause cancer and other illnesses if we do not release them.
Eat Healthier
This is much easier said than done. When you are depressed, you feel as though you just don’t even care, and no matter what you eat, you’re never satisfied, or you’re never hungry, or no matter what you do, you’ll put on weight. I personally struggled with the latter. Sexual assault can cause a hormonal imbalance to occur. It’s our body’s fight or flight kicking in trying to add more layers to protect us. You’ll thank yourself later if you make healthier choices. Not only that, but eating whole foods can actually help you to get into a better state of mind, faster and easier.
DON’T BLAME YOURSELF
Right now, all you need is love. Love yourself. You are so special and so beautiful. You have the whole universe within you, don’t give up, don’t worry, it will all get better. Speak positively to yourself. It’s okay to sleep some more. It’s okay to eat a little more. It’s okay to call off work. It is okay to take some time for yourself. Do what you need to feel better.
And whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. Don’t beat yourself up.
Take Up Walking
Walking is a particularly great exercise to take up, especially for women. Especially after a traumatic experience, you naturally have elevated cortisol levels, which is why it feels impossible to lose weight. I have always been an extremely fast walker; however, in this case, that’s not actually a good thing. Walking ‘mindfully’ is a whole new concept, not only is it healthy for you to get your body moving, but you can actually meditate while you walk. Turn on some relaxing music, walk calmly at a slow pace, and breathe deeply. Take in the world around you, look at the landscape, the flowers, the roads, the buildings. Wherever you are, take it all in and enjoy the scenery, and really take everything in for once. Hear the birds chirping, the crickets creaking, wind in the trees, you name it.
Be Patient
As I stated above, time is the best medicine. Healing doesn’t necessarily come overnight. I thought I was okay for the first month or so after it happened, but it crept over me, slowly but surely. Be careful to be too overly calm in the beginning, because it could come and hit you like a ton of bricks overnight. Patience is kindness to yourself. Patience is kindness to others. The majority of the people around you will have absolutely no clue what you’re going through. Be patient with them, because all that they know is sympathy. And for those around you who have been through it, understand and be patient with them too. They have been through it too, they don’t need a constant reminder or replay just because you just went through it. Just be mindful of others.
Forgiveness
One of the best things you can learn to do, is forgiveness. True forgiveness is difficult, and it may take time and healing on your end as well.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that if you saw them on the street that you’d have forgotten the entire thing or that you’re friends again. It just means that you no longer are giving any energy to that person. You are no longer allowing that person to steal anything from you. Remember, you do not owe anyone anything. Don’t let this vile person steal your precious light. I let my abuser scare my very soul away from the light for easily over a year. That was a solid year where I did not care about a single thing. Forgive in your heart, and let it go. Give it to the universe, and don’t waste any more energy on it.
Remember, This Does NOT Define You
Having been sexually assaulted does NOT define you. You are so much more than that. Someone took advantage of you while you were vulnerable, and that does NOT have to define you. It might actually come back around and help you someday. In a weird and twisted way, it helped me in the long run. When people told me that 3 years ago or so, I scoffed at the notion. Now, I find it to be unmistakably true. While I am not happy, such a vile act was offended on me. I know that everything always works out in the end, just as it is supposed to.
My life would be on a completely different path, had this not had happened to me.
However, it does not define me. And I am NOT ‘That girl.’ And even if I was to some people, that doesn’t affect me because I do not allow it to.
The only things that affect me are the things that I allow to affect me.
Healing
In the end, pharmaceutical drugs did not help me. That was my personal experience. I wanted to try all possible avenues for healing. I knew deep down in my heart that pills wouldn’t cure what I was experiencing. Everyone is different, and everyone’s personal experience is different. I was lucky enough not to get sucked into any recreational drugs or alcohol. I do not recommend touching that if you’re going through something like that. After any traumatic experience, you should seek healing. Peace. Love. Joy. Find solace. It’s okay to sleep a few extra hours. It’s okay to not go out with your friends. Don’t worry about FOMO. You still have so much life to live, take this time to let your soul weep, and recover. It’ll all be over soon. Just give it some time, and give yourself some love.
