Story of a Signal to Noise Ratio

Buried under an overdose of information, and obsessed by the WHATS, HOWS and WHYS of life, Shivam looks to clear up some of this clutter by integrating the inner and outer worlds. Currently working as a Research Assistant, he attempts to go deep into the study of neuroscience and explore the workings of the mind. Here, he shares how Swadharma and his experiences at Auroville shaped the beginnings of what appears to be an unending seek.

My office is in middle of a campus full of trees, imagine something like a building in Auroville. We keep our windows shut, there are simply too many bees buzzing under the lab’s many roof shades. The bees are pretty big, though they never sting.

Despite all the security, baby bats manage to infiltrate all once in a while. The problem is, they don’t know how to get out. They flutter and flutter, and flutter. The only escape is one from breath.

One such evening, the vicinity lit by blasts digging the hill’s granite boulders, another baby bat broke in. Just another victim, I thought. Two, or three days passed, I saw the baby bat lying dead on the floor. But maybe….not? His furry little ears moved to catch sounds in the room. My colleagues and I nursed this little mammal. All he needed was a bit of water and some milk to be able to move again. Before evening he disappeared (I like to think he’s out catching some flies somewhere in the skies)

The bat made me wonder, if he hadn’t given up, would he have a shot at survival?

If I hadn’t given up, would I be where I am today? Would I still be growing?

I was four months into my first job when a feeling of doubt crept in. It was a job I believed ‘the future’ (& mine too) lies.

Worse than the job was the nagging feeling that ‘ I’m quitting again, there we go, keep running away’ and other such usual stuff. I had a terrible relationship with my mind. It was far too noisy, highly incoherent feeling and thinking mechanisms.

This noise and doubt coupled with the questions ‘Why tf am I even here? What’s the purpose of my being?’ And the usual set of existential questions made it unbearable.

I made up my mind, I would quit and first get deeper into mental training with meditation and some good deal of reading over the next six months, and volunteer somewhere to sustain myself, probably Auroville. And after this period, I would tackle the issue of my purpose. It was a good plan, except life had another.

Stumbled upon Swadharma while looking for a Volunteering opportunity. It hit just the right chords. I changed my plans again (ikr, so fickle minded). But it felt right, a coherence of thought and feeling I rarely experienced before.

Swadharma is brilliantly designed. The varied forces- mentors, peers, theory, practices, action and other- somehow help bring up the most ignored and/or urgent parts of the being. I’ve a Lot of issues, was already quite aware of many of them. Though I had little idea of how to change any of it.

Swadharma and Auroville gave that safe place, a fertile and sterile ground, a lovely-supportive tribe and mentors to look upto which allowed me to begin that cleansing and rebuilding process.

The past year and half has been immensely transformative, it’s difficult to trace what exclusively started at Swadharma. But here’s a shot at it-

It started with an insight on insights- they simply circle around, giving the illusion of growth, unless acted upon. An interaction with an Aurovillan taught me the importance of communicating only what one experiences, and how it impacts growth

I honestly didn’t expect to find my ‘Swadharma’, had a lot of mind-effing and awe-inspiring fun exploring the meaning of swadharma. But a year down, I can say those 5 weeks have helped me find something solid to work on- A scientific and experiential exploration of the mind.

My most treasured takeaway has been about people. I realised there is no substitute for the nourishment that loving peers provide. Something the child in me was silently crying for. Something so ignored in this time where the individual is worshipped before anything else. There is no ‘I’ without the ‘other’. My life, desires, needs, aspirations are all relative to the times I live in, relative to those I physically and mentally surround myself with.

I talked stuff on what Swadharma is, but here’s something it isn’t- A one stop retreat solution to your life’s issues. It’s not a map to the treasure, rather it’s an experience of how to navigate the high seas and dense forests, while enjoying the breeze and smells along the way. Of differentiating signal from noise.

Hope your dive into the unknown keeps yielding bites into the signal :)

Godspeed,

Shivam Bohra