Films that have not been made yet #1

Lobby card from Boiler 2.

BOILER!!!

A slasher movie where the maniac kills people by scalding them with hot water. The only chance you have to escape from this faceless menace is when he is periodically distracted with the task of finding a kettle to boil more water. I suppose the conclusion of the movie would be the surviving sexy teens (who are played by 30–40 year-olds) lures this seemingly unkillable foe into an industrial launderette style factory. Where in they enact a convoluted plan to trap him in an industrial steam cleaner, which inevitably goes wrong but still resulted in the destruction of the factory via a giant steam explosion, that they all assume kills the antagonist once and for all.

BOILER 2: Under Pressure.

After surviving the factory explosion our disfigured villain takes some time to recover, but grows more insane. As a result of the final battle in the last movie he is now obsessed with steam and vows to enact his revenge on those surviving kids. But a year has passed and they have all started their 1st year at collage. Coincidentally they attend the same collage. I assume it would have been because of their strong group survival bond but it is never brought in the movie.

The maniac then proceeds to systematically kill the groups new cool (and more appropriately aged cast) collage friends, one by one. We can expect all the kills to be some what steam related.

• Trapped in an over heating sauna.
• killed by venting steam in the old maintenance tunnels under the collage.
• Clubbed to death with a monitor that had a steam page open.
• Release of a pressure valve on a beer keg while somebody is drinking from it during a keg stand at a party. It’s not really a steam thing but we painted ourselves into a corner with this collage thing.

It will all conclude at a Victorian steam pump museum which miraculously still has all the giant steam pumps and water wheels working during the middle of the night while the museum is closed. Our bullet resistant bad guy is eventually trapped by an even more convoluted plan than last time, that somehow worked but still cost the lives several of the new supporting cast. While caught by the inner workings of a steam powered water pump he is slowly pulled into its cogs and crushed under a giant flywheel. For good this time?

Boiler 3 Outback Adventure!!

This was in hindsight a miss step. It was hastily made during the 2023 writers strike they only had the first 5 pages written when they started shooting. This movie was released in Europe as The Stabbining fourteen months after its American straight to Hulu premier. This was mostly a tax write off.

With our antagonist dead the serial killer’s mantle is passed to his never before referenced son. Who it seems is shipped off to Australia right after the funeral. Wait is that supposed to be his wife? She didn’t even get any lines and we never see her again.

It is never explicitly explained what he is supposed to be doing in Australia, Toby(the maniac’s son) is in school in one scene and working in an office in a later one. He also seems to hang around the teachers lounge at lunch times like he works there, but you also see him take classes.

This movie was terrible. He eventually starts killing people in the last 15 minuets of this awful movie. The majority of this movie is him going to class and bitching about a car he is trying to sell. SPOILERS! he doesn’t get to sell the car, but he does get to drive it through an empty cafeteria (low budget). This film was terrible, he only kill people with a knife, there was no scalding water or steam connection to any movie kills. Worst of all Toby dies by being shot once, something that his father seemed to be impervious to, shrugging off round after round in the previous movies of this franchise.

BOILER 4: Full Steam Ahead!!

Now we are finally back in action. This movie has most of the original cast back and has zero references to the third movie. We still don’t know the maniac’s name and there is nothing to suggest that he has or had a family that cares for him. They might have gone a little overboard with the retconing, as there is also no suggested reason why he is still alive or how he survived the crushing in the end of the second movie, there might have been an after credit scene that I missed but we will muddle along like this all makes sense.

This time the gang are on holiday in Europe, it’s their last year of collage and they are having one last (foreshadowing) big family reunion before they all graduate. They are all on a 4 day ride by steam locomotive to some undisclosed Ex-soviet Bloc style county. This was the first alarm bell that went off in my head, in the first movie these kids all lived in poorest part of town. How are their whole families able to afford a trip to Europe? It is possible that the government gave them a bunch of money for their many ordeals or perhaps they took out insurance plans after what happened in the first movie and got a big payout after what happen in the second movie. I suppose it could have been a book deal or something.

The second alarm bell was the actors. Now I was chuffed that they were able to get most of the original cast, but this franchise is over eight years old, these people are getting old. Like Winston the book nerd guy, Jake Johnson the actual actor is almost 47 in real life and his character is supposed to be in his early to mid 20’s. I know he was only in a few short scenes before his character died but he looked like he had been CGIed too within an inch of his life. Now I’m not expecting them to have Disny-Sony money, that CGI Liam Neeson in the prequels remake looked amazing but Jake Johnson is still alive, this should have looked way better with today technology, that’s all I’m saying.

So anyway thing start to go south fast on this train, the crazed lunatic has already started his revenge kill rampage not ten minuets into this movie. This one also had the highest body count of the franchise and some of the goriest kills. we see people thrown from trains into other oncoming trains and so many luggage and toilet kills, not to mention with the light going out every time they enter a tunnel, bodies be dropping everywhere.

The big change this time is the manic has a supernatural twist. He seems to be able to teleport into locked cabins when the lights go out and you do see him phase through a mirror, also he has the ability to freeze people when he grabs them, the gang remark on one of the bodies they find early on that it look like it had freezer burn. This might have had some funny connection to the Siberia like setting.

All in all this was my favourite one so far, budget problems a side and the fact that they never fully confirm that he was a ghost, because they were able to cut his hand off which seemed to hurt him and they did manage to kill him in one of the final scenes. The final two survivors of the gang manage to trick him with a very convoluted plan that pins him under a mountain of coal, which then all gets dumped into the trains boiler engine killing him for good this time. The unfortunate side effect is now the train is gaining to much speed and they can’t figure out how to work the brakes due to the train driver and conductor been ironically frozen to death in the boiler compartment.

The conclusion was the most epic train crashing into a station at full speed and destroying a whole town in the process shot ever. The devastation was astounding with chain reaction explosions of a nearby fuel depot, which in turn takes out a neighbouring skyscraper. This ended up looking more like a disaster movie which is in stark contrast to the third film which was just a disaster of a movie.

After all this, in BOILER! tradition the remaining two protagonists some how inexplicably survived all that wholesale destruction with out a scratch, and to make it even more ridiculous Lyndsey finally tells Geoff that she is pregnant, and Geoff being the kind of dick that he has always been says “Well I guess we have to get married now.” and goes into a sulking huff.

This movie was great.

BOILER 5 System Burn

I have only just seen the trailer for this, it’s due out next year. It was closer to a teaser at only a minuet and a half long, but it basically set up that it is around 10 years later Lyndsey and Geoff are at home with there daughter who looks to be around the right age. Geoff is watching T.V on one of those old hand held phone and Lyndsey is sitting by an old box type computer. I don’t know if this is to represent that they have fallen on hard times or if they are technological Luddites or something but the trailer doesn’t show any robots in their home, like at all. Lyndsey then receives an email, as she opens it there is the most deafening shriek followed by the high pitched laugh of the maniac. The screen then flickers in a digital static type way to show a video feed. It’s from one of those homeland security camera clusters that are on every street corner to catch illegal immigrants. The video shows the outside of their house and zooms in on their window, it enhances it view to show the face of their daughter playing on the ground. It then pans over to a steaming mug tea or something and then the digitised laughing starts up again as it moves in closer on the steam rising. The video feed then cuts out.

We then get a bunch of jump cuts of them panicking and hugging their child. More flash cuts of Geoff using his prehistoric phone to trace the manic’s location. Then there is a fade out to them in their basement where they unveil the arsenal they have seemed to been stockpiling for years as if waiting for this day to come, the return of The Maniac Scalder.

Next jump cut to their garage door slowly opening, you can see that they are all tooled up and sitting in their car. It was hilarious, it turned out to be one of those old manual cars, I didn’t think you were allowed drive them any more. Also I guess they are bringing their daughter with them?

They are then kick in the maniac’s door, with weapons ready. It is so nice to finally see the gang actually going on the offensive for once and not just be the victim. The maniac is sitting by his computer with his back to them. With a baseball bat Geoff swivels the maniacs chair around to face them. It’s nothing but ash and bone, with some headphones on a skull and a usb cable griped between its teeth, for some reason.

To the left of the computer are 3 obviously originally flight helmets, 2 large and black one small and pink. they are all covered in LED’s and have a long cable attached to the computer. Geoff grabs one and says “ Well I think we all know what comes next!” (I cant wait for him to die.)

We then get a flash of images from the movie but they go by so fast I couldn’t make them out. It looks like a mix of Hackers meets The Lawnmower man by way of the Fifth and sixth Matrix movies. It then fades to black with the maniac laughing, with the BOILER 5: System Burn logo filling the screen with the worst digital lightning effects every followed by “coming Summer 2027!!” I can’t believe this movie is actually coming to the theaters, at least it’s not in 3D. I will still watch it, at this point I need closure.

Written by: MomaLloyd

Originally posted on https://www.reddit.com/r/movies/comments/61igd7/what_horror_movie_hasnt_been_made_yet/

Reproduced with permission.