They Just Don’t Get It

Victim Blaming and No Contact

If you’re reading this and don’t know what No Contact is, or you know what it is but think it’s something childish or vindictive, let’s just clarify out of the gate what No Contact (NC) really means:

No Contact is a process by which the target of abuse completely removes her/himself from the path of the abuser. We move on from being numb and detached to a place of liberation.

When I went NC, I didn’t even know there was a term for it or a process for putting it in place. One day, I just realized that there was no reason for me to continue to allow someone to abuse me by phone, text, and email when that would not be legal if perpetrated by a stranger. I set a boundary. I put my own health and well being above that of attempting to communicate with someone whose disordered mind focuses only on power and control. Then, of course, his narrative to those who would listen changed dramatically.

I became the “bitter ex who won’t move on” even though I was refusing to have any direct contact with him.

Then I was the “bitter ex who is trying to keep him from his children” even though each child had their own wireless on which he texted and called whenever he liked.

Then I became the “bitter ex who can’t even have an adult conversation about the kids” even though he had proven for years that it was impossible to have a constructive conversation with him about anything.

He’s still proving that one, in fact. He’s been holding up a child support modification for weeks because he wants to dictate the kind of documentation he thinks I should provide to him regarding medical expenses. It’s not like he has been repeatedly in contempt of court for unpaid medical expenses he claims he didn’t get documentation for… when he was getting the documentation from me, my attorney, and his own insurance company!

No Contact Is About Helping the Target of Abuse to Begin to Normalize Conscious Thoughts

When you are working hard on your recovery and, at any peaceful time, you can be interrupted by a barrage of angry accusations that bear no foundation in truth, this sets your recovery back. In my case, I would even have my sleep interrupted by a string of vicious, rambling, and sometimes downright scary text messages. Then I would try turning my phone off at night, and the house phone would ring repeatedly. So I would turn off the house phone ringer but then be afraid to turn my cell phone back on in the morning and check my voicemail for the house. The children would be watching television and they would see his number pop up on the TV screen over and over and would refuse to answer, then ask me why he was calling so many times. It becomes a way for the abuser to intrude on the target’s life and exert control through fear and emotional upheaval. These things are programmed and automatic, without much ability of your conscious brain to override.

But, boy, did I hear some crap over going NC.

Victim Blaming Becomes Proxy Abuse

People asked me why I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to him “for the good of the children,” not understanding that he wasn’t interested in the good of the children. Some couldn’t understand how I could be so insensitive to his need to know about the children, because they didn’t know I sent him weekly update letters he never opened and set up a family webpage with their schedules that he never used (he testified to that one in court). The victim blaming continued when it was assumed that I made the decision to cut all direct contact with the abuser in order to “punish” him or “get even.” Well, he is the one who moved several states away from his kids and never came back. In my estimation, if he was that interested in having a relationship with his children and being involved in their lives, moving 1,000 miles from them and staying there would not have been an option.

Here’s where the uninformed become proxy abusers: when they assume that No Contact is another version of “I’m punishing you so I’m not going to talk to you.”

No Contact is a mental health step, a healing wall put up between the target and the abuser. Many times, the target is terrified of setting this boundary because it will likely create a backlash, as it did for me. But in retrospect, it was probably the best investment I ever made in my recovery.

No Contact is frequently challenged in the same vein as questioning what a victim of rape was wearing. It doesn’t matter what the victim was wearing, she was raped. It doesn’t matter what the abuser was saying, the target was fearful/damaged/sickened.

When a target of abuse decides to go No Contact, it isn’t some childish punishment. It is a declaration of freedom, a boundary of health, a reassertion of personal rights after sometimes decades of having none.

Remember that No Contact is about exactly that: your personal right to peace, health, and happiness.