To help or to not help?

When someone runs up to you at a grocery parking lot and asks for 19$

We reached the grocery story at 8:30PM today. It was getting dark. My wife and I got out of the car and took out the grocery bag, and started walking towards the entrance. We saw a lady, in her 40s, frantically running towards us. My first unconscious response was to be defensive. I quickly scanned if this lady intended any harm and that possibility was ruled out. She was unintelligibly yelling. I hoped that she was not addressing us, as there was something uncomfortable about the way she was coming towards us. She ran a little closer. I scanned around and there was no one in the parking lot besides us. By this point it was clear that she had something to do with us. As she reached near the car, she was panting after all that running and yelling. There was urgency. It was clear that she needed some help. Though I was not sure what she was saying. After a few seconds of processing, I realized that she was asking for 19$ for prescription medicine, Walgreens was about to close and she really needs this medicine today. I looked at my wife, unsure of what we should be doing. By this time, the lady had started crying.

We clearly had two options: 1. To help or 2. To ignore her and walk away. Except the only unknown was if this lady was lying. If she really needed this money for prescription medicine that can’t wait till tomorrow then we would happy to help. One option flashed my mind. We could offer to go with her to Walgreens and pay the money there. Though we were getting late for dinner and so that option was ruled it. Also I wanted to get done with this situation ASAP. It was somehow a little uncomfortable. I had reached to my wallet, though still undecided, looking at my wife to check what she thinked. She said, “What if she really needs that money?”

This incident rang a bell about a story told by James Doty, M.D. James is a clinical professor of neurosurgery at Stanford University and founding director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education. In this On Being podcast episode he talks about compassion and intention and what it means in the body and in action. He tells a story of a young man he had hesitantly given some money to for bus ticket for his mother, in San Jose, and who came back later to introduce his mother to him. That story stuck with me.

“Truly, the contagion of random acts of kindness and the convergence of little ripples of compassion into a tsunami are the most desirable pandemic and the most fertile flooding one can wish for our troubled times in order to shift from the darkness of the age of greed to the light of the age of compassion.”

Our cognitive prejudices, positive or negative, have power and we respond positively or negatively to the events that reflect them. I have to admit that unfortunately I leaned towards walking away from the whole situation. That was the easier and convenient option. My ego was popping up trying to ensure that we were not getting conned. Though eventually I am glad that we ended up helping her out. It did not matter if she was tricking us. All that mattered was when we were put on the spot, compassion showed up. And it felt nice.

“You cannot have the experience of transcendence until you take that journey and connect with others” — James Doty, MD.

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