Big Bear: How Times Change
This story was written while lying in a hammock on a cabin patio in Big Bear, California.
I’ve been to Big Bear, California enough times now that it feels familiar. I recognize streets and know how to get to my favorite restaurants and remember which shops I’ve visited. Every time I’ve been here it’s been for a birthday, either mine or Orlando’s, this time included. And every time I’ve been here I’ve gone to Teddy Bear Restaurant for a grilled cheese sandwich.
The first time was revolutionary. I wrote about it in my zine:
“When we made it to Big Bear, we went to Teddy Bear Restaurant and I had one of the best grilled cheese sandwiches of my life. Knowing fully well that this is going to sound dramatic, it was perfect. Not only the sandwich itself but everything else: the sweet potato fries, the rootbeer, the crushed ice. More importantly, the meal didn’t make me feel sick. This trip was pretty important in the story of my relationship with Orlando, but arguably more important was my discovery of this grilled cheese sandwich.”
So, yeah. Needless to say, I really liked this grilled cheese sandwich and started to think of it as My Favorite. I visited this restaurant again in February 2018, and while the grilled cheese didn’t necessarily feel “perfect” that time (and really, those standards were unrealistic to begin with), it was still really great.
Flash forward to this weekend. We went to Teddy Bear Restaurant as soon as we had dropped our stuff off at the cabin. I opened the menu and one of the first things I said was, “I think they’ve changed.” Reader: I was right.
The grilled cheese sandwiches were now served with specialty bread and cheddar cheese and tomato soup. All of which is fine in theory, but wasn’t what I expected. In the end, the sandwich was good, (and the tomato soup was even great), but I did feel sick afterwards. I was struck in the face with the reality that when you only visit a place once every few years, you really can’t expect things to stay the same. (Duh, Sara).
I couldn’t help but think about everything else that had changed since the discovery of the perfect grilled cheese back in 2016. Back then I was turning 25 and had just started a new job. Now, I was turning 27 and have been at that same job for the last three years. A few months after that first visit, the 2016 election would happen and would change my priorities in many ways. Without coming across too cheesy, I feel like I understand myself so much better now: what I’m good at, what my morals are, and what I want my future to look like.
Here’s another story about change: On that first trip, the one with the perfect grilled cheese, I bought a garnet stone at a gem shop. At the time, Orlando and I were really into the show Steven Universe and Garnet was by far my favorite character. Garnet was strong and capable and a leader and a representation of a love so great that two people (I mean, gems) preferred to exists fused together.
I bought the stone with the intent of making it into a ring but put it off for years. Flash forward once again to this year, when Orlando and I have decided to get married. I haven’t liked the idea of a diamond engagement ring for years now, but I had the idea of this garnet ring in the back of my mind. So, I contacted a jeweler in Big Bear (a short distance from where I bought the original stone) and asked him to design a ring. I wanted the stone to be surrounded my vines, a symbol from another one of our favorite stories.
To me, this ring still isn’t an engagement ring, or a wedding ring, but is a physical thing that reminds me of our relationship and things we value. It reminds me of Big Bear and the memories we’ve made here, and of a partnership full of open communication and doing what feels right to us no matter what “society” says. So much has changed since I bought the garnet stone and since that perfect grilled cheese sandwich. Steven Universe has ended (at least in its original iteration), our relationship has changed in exciting ways, and, after celebrating so many birthdays here, we’re literally older and wiser.
Even though Teddy Bear’s grilled cheese has changed so drastically, the memory and perfection of that first time doesn’t change. I might even be an optimist for once in my life and say that all this means is that I get to find a new favorite grilled cheese sandwich.
