25 Onion-Style Headlines
1. Earth Relieved: Elon Musk Recruits Red Pill Fanboys To Inhabit Mars
2. Breaking: Mom Giggles As Daughter Receives Thespian Of The Year Award
3. Poll Confirms Your Barista Is Definitely Killing The Character Based Off Of You In His 1200 Page Novel About His Parents Divorce
4. Misguided Dad Tells Teen Daughter He Is An Ass Man And Would Date Her If He Was Her Age
5. Long-Term Couple That Forgoes Marriage Instead Decides To, ‘Ride This Out Until We Hate Each Other’
6. Neighbor Didn’t Think It Was Weird That Murderer Kept Complimenting Women’s Throats
7. Naked And Afraid Jr Canceled Due To Massive Human Rights Violations
8. Adult Man Still Thinks No Homo Is Pretty Funny
9. Letter Discovered At Monticello Reveals Declaration Of Independence Was Written On Opposite Day And All Americans Are Actually Still British
10. Stoner Annoys Friends Again By Wondering About Things He’ll Never Bother To Google
11. College Graduate Selling House While Market Is Good Just Needs His Parents To ‘Die Suddenly Of Natural Causes’
12. Facebook’s New Premium Service Replaces Pictures Of Your Ex With Fail Compilations Of X Games Ass Hats
13. Area Thrill-Seeker Tempts Fate And Pays Bills On Public WiFi
14. Weird High School Loner Playing Penny Stocks Whispers ‘One Day They’ll See Me’
15. Saggy Hippie That Doesn’t Follow The News Announces Sheeple Need To Wake Up
16. Poll Update: The State Of Florida Collectively Agrees To Take Florida Man Out Behind The Shed
17. Parents That Told Millennial to Pursue Their Dreams Wish They Had Been More Specific
18. Pregnancy Takes Area Woman By Surprise Says She Thought Baby Bump Was Calcified Burrito
19. In New Fund Raising Campaign NASA Plans To Reward Patreon Supporters With ‘Neil deGrasse Tyson Is My Space Daddy’ Bumper Stickers
20. New Online Petition Seeks To Criminalize Adult Pouting And Other ‘Gross Bullshit’
21. Middle Aged Man Doesn’t Know How To Tell Step Father Sex Stories Are Kind Of Creepy
22. White Woman Who Supports Black Lives Matter Still Calls Cops On Loitering Teens
23. Divorcee Warns Daughter Not To Tease Gross Boy Because He May Be Rich One Day
24. Study Finds Correlation Between Number Of Americans Who Can Find Guatemala On A Map And Number Of Guatemalan Orphans Who Can Sign The Lord’s Prayer In ASL
25. Uber Addresses Backseat Driving Concerns By Investing $150 Billion In Ejector Seats
