Here’s How to Confront a Friend Who Exclusively Wears Exercise Clothing Like People Don’t Have Eyes or Something
Few things are as distressing as a loved one in crises, and make no mistake: habitually wearing exercise gear outside of the gym is a sign of an individual on the verge of catastrophe. Hi, My name is Matilda Cumberbottom, and I’m Leon County’s top pre-teen intervention strategist. I’m also a champion horseback rider and editor-in-chief of Will C. Keister Middle School’s yearbook. Go Amoebae! Additionally, I received the superlative, “Most Likely to Leave Florida One Day.” But enough about me. Here’s how to successfully plan and execute an intervention for your friend who wears Under Armour to Spanish Club meetings like people don’t have fucking eyes or something.
1. Plan a Date and Time
Find a time and place where you and at least six other pre-teen girls can stage an intervention. I recommend the girl’s locker room after fourth period, where the spandex-obsessed culprit will be texting her mommy things like: “I’m scared to go to gym,” and “They’ll just shove my locker full of used kitty litter again.”
2. Shower Them with Love
Be sure to start this intervention by showering your friend with affection. Try lines like, “you don’t have to wear yoga pants every day to prove you’re beautiful!” and, “Jimmy Miller thinks you have a flat butt anyway, I don’t know what you’re trying to prove.”
(Kayla, if you dare wear that ratty racerback sports bra as a shirt in front of Jimmy while he’s working at the Dairy Queen again, concerned citizens WILL continue to pour mashed up silica packets into your saggy underwear. You have been warned.)
3. Admit How It’s Affecting Your Life
Sometimes your concerns will not be heard. Your friend will tell you things like, “The guidance counselor told me to turn the other cheek!” Or get defensive: “Last time I wore something nice you catfished me for four months!” So you will have to play hard ball and tell her how her choices have affected your home life, as even your mother can’t stop talking about, “That homely Kayla girl. Well what do you expect? Her dad ran off with his receptionist three years ago and hasn’t talked to her since.”
4. If all else fails…Introduce the Ultimatum
If that derpy diaper queen doesn’t change her ways and buy clothes from ASOS like a real human, then you’ll have no choice but to cut her picture out of the 8th grade yearbook, so that her whole, ugly, fatherless existence is erased from history. As it should be.
I hope the above steps can help you stage a successful intervention. And remember, if all else fails you must be prepared to shun. Being an acceptable human is not optional. We’ve all learned to bury our true desires in order to have culture, dammit. Like my mom says, people like Kayla Rodriguez are why trailer parks still exist!
