3 Things You Can Say To Stand Up To A Boundary Bullying Narcissist
Most narcissists do not respect boundaries. If they do, it is an act they are putting on to get close to you and earn your trust. Once they know you are vulnerable, they can control and manipulate you to extract narcissistic supply. The supply they need to survive. It’s attention, emotions, money, tangible resources, etc.
Having healthy, balanced boundaries means that you have a complete and true understanding of who you are. According to Terri Cole, it’s like your personal Rules of Engagement handbook that we create to clearly identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards us. It is a set of standards and preferences for living your life and handling your relationships. It encompasses the physical, mental, emotional, energetic, and spiritual bodies. Contrary to what many believe, deciding what boundaries you need to stay safe and healthy can be done with ease and grace.
Of course, the narcissist does not want you to be independent, happy, strong, and filled with self-love. This is narc repellent. So they will do what is possible to offend, step over, or destroy your limitations. One way they will do this is through conversation. How they speak to you, either one-on-one or in groups, can be their ploy to disassemble your carefully established boundaries.
We all know that one nosy ass person who will ask inappropriate questions, knowing damn well it is inappropriate. Now this doesn’t mean they are narcissistic, but narcissists will definitely pry. They will ask you things like, “how much money did you pay for that,” “why don’t you have children?” “how much money do you make?”
There are very tactful ways you can disarm a toxic person who violates a boundary through covert verbal attacks. Here are three possible ways you can respond to invasive, inappropriate questions or comments.
Use humor or sarcasm
If the boundary bully asks you any of the aforementioned questions such as “how much money do you make?”, you can respond with, “not enough,” or “I’d like to add a 0 to the end of it.” If it’s about children, say “I deal with children all day; I’m a therapist.” Or whatever you are — make it funny. You will know if this person is really pushing boundaries or if they are genuinely trying to make conversation with you. If they want to get to know you, they might chuckle, then change the subject or leave it alone. If not, they will react in a way that you feel viscerally. Stand firm.
Examine their prerogative
How do you do this in the moment? Well, be short and direct. They ask, “why don’t you have children, or when are you having children?” You reply, “why do you ask?” Very blatantly. The perturbation will be displayed on their countenance. And they will be forced to stand in their truth. It’s either, “I am a boundary bully, narc.” Or “Wow, I am being inappropriate, let me fix this.” And you will feel this also. Proceed accordingly.
Just don’t answer
You can be tactful here. You can say very simply, “I’d rather not say.” Or be metaphoric with it, “I’d rather keep it close to the vest.” If you’re grounded and technical, “I am not at liberty to say.” Although, this may come across as very cold or disconnected. It doesn’t matter unless this is someone who you are close with and want to foster the relationship. Evaluate.
Final Thoughts
It is likely you will encounter a boundary bully/narcissist in every area of your life. Your responses will alter depending on the your relationship to the person or persons, the environment or event, the specific question or statement, etc. etc. What is most important here are your boundaries. Your right to have a set of rules and limits. If you come from a narcissistic home or were in a long-term relationship with a narc, this will feel like learning a new language. You will stumble over words, freeze, overthink. It’s okay. The goal here is to get to a point where your health, happiness, and success are a top priority in your life.
