5 Ways That Recovering People-Pleasers Can Discover What They Really Want

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” — Paulo Coelho

We recovering people-pleasers have a history of subverting our own needs for the needs of others. We spend years saying “yes” when we mean “no,” signing up for commitments we’d rather avoid, and occupying our minds with others’ desires.

When we finally clear out the clutter to put ourselves first, we look around at the empty space, bewildered, with endless questions: What do we want? What does true happiness look like for us? What would a life lived on our own terms be like?

For me, these questions once provoked anxiety. I’d spent a lifetime catering to my parents, friends, colleagues, and lovers — anyone but myself. By asking what I really wanted, I was looking my fear straight in the eye: my fear of being responsible for my own happiness. My fear of not getting what I wish for.

These fears are both potent and entirely surmountable — if we’re brave enough to connect with our innermost desires.

When we’re strongly connected to our dreams and desires, we have every motivation to speak our truth and put our own needs first.