A Collective, Extended, More Genuine and Honest Response to Every Prospective Employer Who’s Ever Asked Me to Tell Them a Little Bit More About Myself
Here’s What I Wanted to Say and Should’ve — But Didn’t Obviously
Well, I had a feeling you might try and catch me slipping or trip me up with a shenanigan like this, so I prepared and memorized a suitable answer you might deem as appropriate, to this and four other questions just like it.
Mainly because that’s who I am as a person. Not only do I plan ahead but I’ll also say what it takes, to get what I want. Morality is just a word to me.
But you know what, I’m just going to keep it a hundred with you here today.
I literally only filled out the application for this position to get my probation officer and nagging Mother-In-Law off my back — I didn’t think you guys would ever actually call me. I mean Christ, do you people even do background checks?
I have eighteen-year-old cousins who have better resumes than I do and I’m kicking 32’s door down.
In fact, after hearing the position’s starting salary — if you can even call it that — I’m thinking it might work out better for everyone involved if you gave one of those cousins of mine a call.
Your starting wage might be enough to buy them cheap beer and terrible fast food on the weekends but Daddy’s got expensive taste. What you call a paycheck won’t so much as cover my weed habit.
But I mean I am here and I actually made it on time, so we might as well do this thing I guess — here goes nothing.
I’m a morning person, just not in a work-related sense. In fact, when it comes to mind-numbing, soul-sucking work I’m grossly underpaid for — like the kind you’re offering — I’m not really an afternoon, evening or night person either.
So keep that cheery looking goofball with the perpetual smile plastered to his face I saw stocking shelves on the way in away from me. I’m not up for weather chats and I’m not joining the stupid company fantasy football league. I make actual illegal bets on games for money with a bookie, like an adult.
Which reminds me, don’t ever ask me to work a Sunday during Football season, it’s absolutely out of the question. If you ever schedule me in during an Eagles game, you’ll be referred to this conversation when you call and ask where I’m at, a half hour after my scheduled shift starts that day.
And don’t get cute and try to schedule me in on Bye week, just because the birds are off. There’s a solid chance I’ll be hungover from Saturday night and won’t make it in on the Lord's day anyhow.
I’ll be honest, I’m not loving the vibe I’m getting in this place. The thought of spending 40+ hours a week in this joint just utterly depressed me.
It smells like cheap labor and corporate policy in here. If you ended up hiring me, there’s a solid chance my time here ends abruptly in the human resources office, over something mildly offensive I tweeted about a customer or the night shift manager.
By the way, I don’t know if you’re on Twitter but if you are, follow me. You’ll thank me for it later — I’m a riot.
Listen, I’m just going to level with you here. I got a good look at upper management — yourself included — on my way in and I gotta’ tell ya, I’m not impressed. I don’t think I want any parts of this sideshow circus you call a company.
Though I also got a look at the cashier at register 4, do you know if she’s on Tinder?
Are we about done here, do you think? What About Bob is coming on TBS in 20 minutes and I got plans to burn one with my boy and watch it.
Thanks for nothing. Yeah, Yeah — I Know — You’ll “be in touch”.