Am I An Adult or Apathetic?

I don’t know what this feeling is because there is none.

Photo by Niklas Hamann via Unsplash

I’ve always been a highly emotional person. I’m sensitive and empathetic. Feeling emotions on a surface level is not very common for me.

I’m used to highs and lows in my life. Things have either been really great or really terrible. I don’t recall much space where it’s just been in between. Status quo.

If this is what life is supposed to feel like when everything is okay, it’s making me uncomfortable.

I’ve settled into this weird uncharted territory. I can’t tell if my life has reached an incredibly stable place with emotional maturity or whether I just don’t care. I’m fearful it’s the latter. I am mistrusting of my own feelings.

I’ve gone on a strange mental and emotional diet. I’ve spent the last couple of months stripping away all of the fat. Getting rid of what wasn’t necessary. It’s been a slow process and it’s not something one approaches with enthusiasm. You just do it because you have to.

Some of the changes I see in myself as a result are surprising and I don’t know what to do with them.

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My expectations are horribly low

I am scared that I’ve gotten to the point where I’m a little bit numb. Nothing surprises me any more. I have exceptionally low expectations of people.

I’m seeing a nice guy right now and it’s enjoyable. But, there’s no overwhelming wave of emotion in any direction. I don’t get upset if I don’t hear from him for a couple days. I’m glad to see him but I’m not overjoyed. I feel calm and steady. If our entire relationship ceased to be tomorrow, I know I wouldn’t go off the rails and cry in my coffee. Life would just go on.

We didn’t see each other for a month and have talked about reconnecting and doing a staycation here in town. We set a weekend and he said he’s on it. I have absolutely no expectation that it’s going to happen. None whatsoever.

My low expectations feel like a defense against crushing disappointment if the weekend comes and goes like every other one before it. I don’t let myself get excited so I don’t feel let down.

Nothing’s bad but something’s missing

I appreciate the absence of bad in my life. There is no drama. I don’t harbor anger or resentment to anyone. People don’t seem to bother me. As a matter of fact, not much seems to bother me at all.

At the same time, there is a converse other side to this that I’m not okay with. It’s the absence of joy. Pure, unadulterated joy. I don’t feel any happiness. I got rid of the bad and good went right out the door with it. It’s like I had my emotions surgically removed.

I don’t get up in the morning excited about anything.

I don’t know the last time I laughed until I cried. Or the last time I genuinely looked forward to doing something.

I have 18 days of vacation left this year. I would like to muster up the enthusiasm to go do something amazing but it’s just not there. Who can’t rally around the idea of a vacation? This girl.

Photo by Nick Grant via Unsplash

I’m making choices in my life that bring more stability. I am proud of that. Right now, it seems like I’m living a pretty stable life. It’s called being an adult. I just don’t feel alive.

Is this normal? Is this what other people feel like? Is this what it’s like to move through life in a less affected way? Have I become detached and is that a good thing? So many questions.

Part of me is anxious. I am waiting for something that makes me feel excited. Exhilarated. Alive. I don’t want the lows of anger and depression and anxiety. But, I want the happy back. I’m conflicted. I’m not sure the status quo fits my liking.