$1,000 a month for 6 years and you send me socks?
We’ve been going steady for some 5 or 6 years now right? I think it’s time I should be blunt with you. I go into every weekend wondering… is he going to pop the question? IT’S GOT TO BE THIS WEEKEND I tell myself. I’ve been dreaming of those sweet words: “Mikey, would you like to do decent analytics on your Mailchimp lists with me?”
Just when I thought we might take things to the next level and fool around with some cohort analysis, retention analytics or even list growth stats… you ask me if I want socks? No no, let me correct myself, you ask me if i’d like to request socks. Socks with your face on them? Seriously, it’s just a bit weird. 6 years we’ve been together and you e-mail me socks. I have to fill out a form to request the socks from you, and you don’t even ask me what size I am?
Before i really lose my sh*t, I’ll remind you of how great our relationship was. In 6 years we’ve done so many things together. We’ve sent millions of e-mails, spreading positive, useful messages around the world. So many fond memories. The great newsletter open rates, the click through rates, it’s been incredible. But honestly, something has been bugging me for some time…
I didn’t want us to turn into one of those couples. Friday nights in, replicating some old campaign and sending it to the same old audience. I thought our relationship might evolve into something deeper, more unique, more targeted, more personalised…
I’ve tried to come up with ideas for us to spice things up. I suggested cohort analysis, you weren’t interested. I suggested analytics for list growth by different segments or groups of users, you turned your nose up. I wanted to segment users based on their behaviour, but you made it complicated. I mean seriously, these things are exciting. We’re trying to grow our list, let’s analyse it. We’re trying to increase retention, let’s track it. It’s fun! At least I thought so.
It seems like every idea I come up with to drive us forward… to better understand the audience we’ve built together… you’re just not interested. Is it me? Have I done something wrong?
I upgraded to a Pro account to get your attention, no luck. Walking around in a tight mini-skirt and throwing money at you just doesn’t cut it eh? I’ve been flirting with all the techies on your online chat, how does that feel? And I know they’ve told you about it. But you don’t care. THEY LOVE my ideas, but I know they just get chucked into some hopper for your tech team to salivate over and never touch. I’m beginning to wonder what they do with their time.
Why did you have to be like this? I just want to do my goddamn cohort analysis… WITH YOU! But I can’t. I’m tired of exporting csv’s and doing everything on my own all the time. Am I even retaining my subscribers? Am I doing a good job of growing my lists? Please, this is important to me. Listen.
Honestly, i’m starting to shop around. Sending e-mails together just isn’t what it used to be. I heard intercom.io allows you to segment users on behaviour… how exciting is that? And customer.io… they’re looking pretty sexy these days. I know what you’re going to say. “But mikey, you knew I wasn’t a CRM, I never promised you that kind of commitment”. Well guess what, my subscribers are my customers.
The more I put in to this relationship, the more you take. $1,000 a month for 6 years and you send me socks. SOCKS! It’s over. We’re finished. Sure you’re pretty, you always have been. But as you know, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
Track this retention.
p.s. keep the socks