Be a real rebel: be kind
If you really want to annoy me, all you have to say are one of the following statements:
“You’re too kind!”
“You’re so sweet!”
Or the most offensive statement:
‘You’re too nice.’
I’ve been used to hearing this all my life, and as a swing back against being seen as some sort of hopeless doormat, I’ve toughened up over the years and made a point of keeping people who have hurt me out of my life. But lately I have decided to be the ultimate rebel and be kind again.
My mum went on that journey herself. She arrived in Scotland as an 18 year old Bangladeshi woman who had never ventured out of her country before. Sadly, she got ripped off along the way by all sorts of unscrupulous acquaintances and neighbours.
Our own tiny Bangladeshi community where we lived were less than compassionate when my dad lost his job. Added to that, one of my brothers is autistic and the barriers my mum had to overcome in order to get the right support for him was astonishing.
But what I really admire about my mum is that while she is much tougher and resilient than anyone would have given her credit for, she is also incredibly kind. She will cook banquets of food for people she barely knows. She’s also sponsoring families in Bangladesh by donating money every month.
My mum also shows kindness to her community by being a ‘guerilla gardener’ and randomly growing shrubs and exotic plants over the grey granite council estate where we grew up. It’s now a riot of beautiful flowers, and some of our neighbours have now taken up the cause, growing their own plants on what were previously unloved patches of grass.
She has never allowed the cruel way other some people have treated her in the past to allow her to become bitter and frugal with her own kindness. Perhaps it’s her faith as a devout Muslim that’s helped my mum to get through it, but clearly her generosity and kindness is what has kept her emotionally strong and full of hope.
So, what does it mean to be kind?
The dictionary definition is that it’s the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. It also means being carrying out a genuine act of altruism without expecting anything in return.
What ‘being kind’ is not:
It’s not about ‘being too nice.’ Being kind is often telling people the harshest truths — in a compassionate and thoughtful way, of course. It takes a great deal of courage to be kind in a world where it can often be misunderstood and perceived to be a weakness.
Why being kind is good for you:
According to Mental Health UK, being kind ‘ promotes positive physiological changes in the brain associated with happiness.’ So, the fact that it actually impacts your physical wellbeing shows how beneficial being kind is for you.
Why are some people unkind?
Perhaps it’s because of the messages we have been taught throughout our lives. Growing up in the eighties, it was all about ‘every man for himself’ and that to survive in a meritocracy, you have to look after number 1. The narrative seemed to be that you can’t acquire wealth without taking from someone else. Or that if someone else succeeds in some aspect of their life, then that should be seen as a threat to your own success, not something for you to celebrate and to be confident that you can achieve that too. Or ‘you can’t show kindness to someone unless you know that they will reciprocate.’
Other reasons might be:
- The fear of being seen as ‘too nice.’ And that means you might be seen as weak and seriously uncool, which is the worst sin ever.
- If you’re being genuinely kind then you are probably doing it anonymously, without anyone noticing — and who wants that?
- Kindness is often confused with people-pleasing. But people-pleasing is when you seem to be acting selflessly but really you’re doing it for approval from someone else.
- The endless stories we see on the news about bullying and public shaming have also made many of us turn inwards, as we fear being taken advantage of ourselves.
Plus, the knocks in life we all experience can make us more weary of being compassionate to others. Unfortunately, I know from personal experience that this defence mechanism makes us more vulnerable to emotional pain and alienation.
How to be kind:
Be kind to yourself first
We all make mistakes in life, and I for one have often spoken to myself so negatively when I have made bad decisions. But berating myself has only led to me feeling worse about myself and getting things completely out of proportion. It also means that I’m not being fully present with the people around me.
A key piece of advice that has really helped me is to think: how would you feel if a stranger, or even a friend spoke to you the way you are speaking to yourself?
Be kind to others — including difficult people
I know as a teacher that it can feel like a personal attack when parents have challenged me on the progress of their child’s education.
But I have to remind myself that the reason why so many of us act this way is because we are fearful and we don’t feel listened to. Viewing those who challenge us in a hostile manner gives us the power to look at things more rationally, and solve the problem instead of engaging in some sort of pointless emotional battle.
Even if a colleague at work is being completely unreasonable, I honestly don’t believe there is any weakness in showing them acts of kindness — even it’s seemingly inconsequential acts like still acknowledging them and being civil and courteous. That can be a massive act of altruism if you know that person is seeking to deliberately undermine or maybe even bully you.
Not only does it mean that you’re practising self-care because you’re not letting their behaviour get to you (as much) but it also means that you are still seeing them kindly, as a person who must have doubt some positive qualities too.
Plus:
It also amazes me how some of my colleagues will not say ‘hello,’ when you walk past them, even if they make eye contact with you. Just a simple acknowledgement or a head nod at least means that you feel seen.
Paying a genuine compliment can also make someone’s day; it’s astonishing how many people feel uncomfortable doing this, but if it’s genuine and heartfelt then it will not be embarrassing and it will only benefit the giver and the recipient!
Random Acts of Kindness
This is a great idea. I was the recipient of this random act of kindness — a mug full of sweets — at work recently. It certainly made me very happy.
Volunteering in Your Community
Get more connected to your community by getting involved in a local charity. It doesn’t have to be every week if that’s not possible. It could be volunteering somewhere once a month. Or if there’s an opportunity to fund-raise or volunteer through your workplace, then get it set up and see if it could be established as a long-term commitment.
I’m fortunate that as a teacher I get to do this with my students who are so keen to work with local charities. The immense joy and satisfaction they get reminds me every time that we would all benefit from getting more involved in acts of service.
Volunteering Abroad
You don’t need to go abroad necessarily to undertake charity work internationally; lots of online sites are now matching professionals who can support social enterprises and charities abroad.
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What do you think? Do you think there needs to be more kindness in the world, or do you think that this belief is too simplistic? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
