Can we just put an end to business kissing?
I’m sure we have all had that awkward moment when we meet a member of the opposite sex in a business context. That inner voice that whispers “Are we kissing here?”, then goes on to pose the question “What if they are offended if I snub the kiss?”, then further ponders “What if I sneeze at an inopportune moment and head-butt the Chief Executive Officer of our biggest client”. Well, we all have our own inner dialogues, but you get the idea.
It may seem like a trivial thing, but the psychology of the business kiss runs deep. I have spoken to women who feel both uncomfortable and pressured in the moment to conform to this odd custom and view the kiss as unwanted and unnecessary physical contact. While I am sure this feeling is valid and experience-based for many women and I can only speak to my own feelings on the subject, but frankly, as a 6’3 man, who often feels like a cross between a praying mantis and shy giraffe leaning in for professional peck, there is not a lot of upside for me here. There is a 44% chance I will do a weird combo of an air kiss and cheek touch, a 32% chance I will follow with a semi-hug while my temporary dance partner pulls away and a 93% chance I will replay the event over and over in my head for the next 9 minutes.
What is it that we are really trying to achieve here? The kiss has long been a device to communicate an intimate connection, whether between lovers, family or friends. Is it appropriate to bring this act into our offices and boardrooms? What is the major flaw in the traditional handshake that we are trying to solve for? Do we really feel that placing our mouths on our clients will demonstrate greater value?
To get to the bottom of this issue, I thought I might survey some people from each of the business kissing cohorts and in doing so uncovered an interesting fact. The business kiss is present in three key groups, men and women (regardless of sexual orientation), women (regardless of sexual orientation) and gay men, leaving straight men the lone abstainers from the professional pash. One would assume that this is driven more by the social norms than a political statement, but it highlights an important point. If the business kiss is a sign of professional respect rather than physical intimacy, why aren’t straight male executives planting one on each other? Let’s just let that question sit there uncomfortably while we continue….
OK, let’s explore some of the insight from my non-statistically relevant sample of professional puckers. One of my female friends, well it was my wife and you know what they say, the best (and laziest) research starts at home, suggested that the business kiss is a great ice-breaker and she uses it to establish a deeper connection with stakeholders that she wishes to build a relationship with. While I understand the sentiment here, surely the value is diluted by the fact that everyone, regardless of intent or current relationship are greeting with kisses. At this point, a fist bump, wink and point would be more impactful.
A male friend suggested it was a way to fast-track through a bunch of small talk and get to the point of the meeting. Now, this is an interesting angle and one that I could get behind if it were true. We’ve all spent way too much time talking about dogs…..well, actually you can never spend too much time talking about dogs, follow mine on Instagram @Hitchcockthedog, but I digress. Cutting through the superfluous chatter to get to the point is something I would welcome, but in my experience, the kiss only magnifies the need to make the conversation about more than just the issue at hand. Can we really move from being cheek to cheek to discussing rate rises without some filler?
Another suggested it was an acknowledgement of an existing bond and represented a step up the relationship hierarchy. Oh, come on, the kissing ritual is established in most cases at the first meeting. I’ve rarely upgraded to kissing status on the frequent meeting membership. If this is true, can you also be downgraded?
If we have established that there is genuine fear in the minds of many women and have been able to quickly debunk any perceived benefits, why has this scourge on society reached such plague proportion? I suspect it is much more about the kisser than the kissee. In our current context, we feel a constant need to demonstrate how special and unique we are in even the most routine environments. No business trip is complete without a post from the first class lounge or the humble brag about seat A1. We feel compelled to make every experience an Instagram moment and this is no different. Kissing makes us feel we have elevated a business meeting into a special and unique moment. Look how comfortable I am having intimate physical contact with this person, see how much more evolved I am from all you other stiffs.
Now I hear you shout-asking your screens why I don’t just take a stand against this pursed lipped plague. Well, let me tell you. On more than one occasion I have stood ready to make my move, handshake and polite smile in my holster when the unthinkable happened. A colleague leaned in and planted one on them first! Surely now my handshake will seem cold if not downright punitive.
No, this is not a war that can be fought by one man with one hand. This is a revolution that must be broad-based and relentless. We must be mobilised and monotoned in our assertion that much like the strike zone in baseball, the business welcome zone must sit firmly between the neck and the waist.
