Compassionately Caring for Employees from Births to Deaths

In December 2014, my husband said the word no one wants to hear. Cancer.

We were in a good place. Doing work we loved, raising our 6 year old daughter, enjoying each other’s company. Out of nowhere, cancer took us hostage.

I was working at Intuit, Steve was a high school teacher. He finished out the semester and then took leave to navigate 40-hour/week chemo sessions. My manager gave me the flexibility to work from the infusion center or from home.

When we learned the cancer was all over his brain, I called my manager to say I had to stop all work to care for Steve full-time. In that moment, all that mattered was saving Steve. I honestly didn’t care what happened with my work because next to “your husband’s prognosis is very bad”, it just didn’t matter. I didn’t go back to the office for six months.

Caregiving for Steve was the greatest honor and hardest work of my life. Appointments, radiation, meds, hope, despair, crisis, hospitals and so much more. I got to hold his hand through it all. I got to be there. I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

I went on Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and a friend discovered an Intuit policy that allowed vacation to be donated to me anonymously. Angels in the shadows donated over five months so that I could be with Steve without financial concern. We lived month-to-month in the Bay Area so this was an incredible blessing. One less thing for me to worry about.

Steve died less than three months after I halted work. He died on a Sunday, Father’s Day. Based on the company’s bereavement policy at the time, I would have been expected back to work on Thursday. Thank goodness my leadership gave me space and my colleagues gave me their vacation time.

I was so lucky. I had a VP who got it. I had the right leadership at the right time. And I had a friend who found the little-known policy when I needed it. I was held by my employer in the worst moment of my life.

It took a lot for me to be able to go back to work. I asked for an office with a door so that I could close it and sob when I needed to. And I needed to often. I came back part-time and eased into a new role that would enable me to work behind the computer instead of on stage or on camera. I was given flexibility and love.

This should be everyone’s experience. Not just me. Not just those people with compassionate managers. Everyone. But it’s not. Other widows have told me stories of managers who insisted they return so that they could make their numbers. Or companies who insisted on them returning or they would lose their job. Or HR partners who refused flexibility because they didn’t want to start a precedent.

And yet, grief-related losses are costing US companies billions. Some estimate as much as $100B annually due to lost productivity, absenteeism and workplace injuries or deaths. With average bereavement policies allowing three-four days off after a significant death (spouse or child for example), absolutely devastated grievers are generally forced back to work to save their jobs. Only two states have laws on the books protecting the jobs of parents who have had a child die. Can you even believe that? Oregon is one of them.

Although 89% of employers offer bereavement leave, it’s laughable to think that a person can come back to work after a significant death in three days. Laughable. And yet, it’s what corporations expect. After the death of her husband, and only then, Sheryl Sandberg changed Facebook’s bereavement policy to 20 days for immediate family members. It’s a start.

Time off isn’t all that is needed. Acknowledgement of the grief and recognition of the struggle can start healing. Releasing judgment of how the person should be responding or grieving will bring connection and appreciation. Learning how to best support a grieving employee should be as important to managers and HR leaders as learning how to support new parents.

We should be taking care of employees from births to deaths. Supporting employees in their worst moments speaks to the true values of the company. How can a company promise belonging and community but turn silent when a death occurs in the life of an employee?

So often, managers want to give the grieving employee space. The silence can be deafening and can erode long-term loyalty and retention. Grieving employees often feel outside the community and as though they no longer belong to their team.

As stated in Harvard Business Review’s article called When a Colleague Is Grieving, “When grief is disenfranchised, the natural withdrawal that accompanies mourning is more intense and lasting, eroding performance in the short term and diminishing commitment and loyalty to the organization in the long term.”

In the early days of grief, it is all consuming. There’s very little space for anything else. As time wears on, and we learn to carry grief, it can become tricky. It sneaks up on you in moments that are unexpected. This can be challenging as companies attempt to standardize benefits. And yet, it’s critical to understand.

Just as many companies give a year to fulfill paternity benefits, so should we give a year (or more) to fulfill bereavement leave. This is compassionate leadership. Just as many companies acknowledge new parents, so should we acknowledge grief that comes with the death of a loved one. Just as many companies provide coaches for parents coming back to work after a new baby, so should we provide grief coaches to assist grievers with easing back into life and work.

This is why I started Grief Warrior. To create opportunities for connection with the grieving through thoughtful and beneficial products and services. To enable those who don’t know what to say or do to actually say or do something helpful.

Bereavement leave is the start, not the solution. Compassionate companies will support their employees holistically from births to deaths. The time is now.

— Originally published on LinkedIn