Discovering My Blind Mind’s Eye
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Earlier this year, I finally received an autism diagnosis after years of searching for answers to why I operate so differently from most other people in my life. Much like coming to terms with my trans identity, there is a “before” and “after” context to this discovery/diagnosis. Who I was before discovering my autistic traits and who I am after is subtly different, in the sense that I no longer hate myself for not conforming to a neurotype that does not and could never apply to me. I know now that the way my brain works both a superpower and the reason why I’ve struggled so much in the workplace despite turning around quick and proficient work. My diagnosis confirmed something I always knew on some level: that the way I perceive and process the world is measurably different from most people.
One of the principal features of my autism diagnosis is Aphantasia, a condition that does not necessarily imply autism by itself, but coupled with my other symptoms highlights how and why I function so differently from most neurotypical folks. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken about in my posts that my primary career is in web and graphic design. While this wasn’t the career path I initially set out on (making money writing blogs is hard), it’s one that I took to because of my artistic inclination, my keen ability to replicate, and my technical skill with computers and code. Over the years, I have learned that I produce work with incredible speed compared to other designers, often drawing the ire of coworkers who felt that I was showing them up. I’ve curiously observed other designers watching me with awe as I turned around full websites in the timeframe it would take them to produce a mockup. I thought other web designers to be lazy for some time, buffering their time to fluff out paychecks. Still, I have only recently understood that neurotypicals usually have to go through more processes than I to reach a final product in a way that I can skip over with ease.
I do not understand the drafting process, and when I create a “wireframe,” I am essentially producing a near-final product exactly as I wish to see it. At the risk of sounding like I am boasting, my quick turnaround has always impressed employers in a way that has allowed me to not look deeply into the differences in my production style. Working fast is just how I work. Unfortunately, these abilities…
