Does it get Better or Easier?
My raw truth about mental illness.
As a young teenager, I would always wonder the exact same question; Does it get better?
When someone suggested for me to write a blog on whether or not mental illness becomes easier, I thought about how desperately I wish I knew the answer – or more so, how badly I wanted to say that it does.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be bothered if most of you think I’m one of the worst people to be answering this question. I’m only nineteen, how would I know if it gets better or not?
I can’t give the right answers for everyone, and I can’t give advice to all of you, but for those of you who are living with mental illness during adolescence — I hope that I can provide you with some of the answers that you’re searching for.
When I was a child, I had never heard mention of mental illness. Why would I? Adults intend to protect their children from these realities, and it’s quite obvious as to why they do.
However, as I grew older I would notice myself becoming nervous to go to class in high school if my friends weren’t there; these nerves persisted. When I moved states at 14, my anxiety became increasingly prominent. I was constantly nauseous, shaky, experienced hot flushes and an increased heart rate.
I also noticed myself struggling to find the motivation to get out of bed in the mornings, to keep myself clean and well looked after, to spend time with loved ones, and to do the things I once enjoyed.
Throughout this, my mental health was deteriorating much more than I ever let on. I was involving myself in harmful behaviours that still carry weight on my shoulders, to this day.
Eventually, I started taking anti depressants and began seeking help from numerous support systems. This meant that I had to open up – in depth – about a secret that I’d been keeping to myself for years.
This time was the most challenging in my life. I stopped applying myself at school, I began treating those around me badly, I was involving myself in dangerous behaviours; I had lost sight of who I was and the morals that I once held.
In October of 2017 I was taken to the hospital by my family, who sat with me for hours in the waiting room to ensure that I was okay. That night will forever be stuck in my mind – that memory is now a part of me.
From then, things slowly got better. I started working a few casual jobs whilst completing year 12, and eventually stopped those harmful behaviours. Mid 2018, I was no longer taking my anti depressants. I became healthier and stronger over time, as I found more ways to cope with my anxiety and depression.
Although, 2019 has been rocky, and I am now taking my medication again – this time on a much smaller dose. Aside from this, I have a full time job and I’m creating a stable future for myself. Slowly, but surely.
So, that’s my answer.
Honestly, it doesn’t necessarily get easier, but you definitely find new coping mechanisms and learn to deal with situations better than you once did.
My journey wasn’t as simple as ‘things slowly got better’ .
It was long nights sleeping in my mother’s bed, long days of trying to find the courage to go to school, long hours of sitting in the same chair, in the same room. It was endless questions from professionals, constant worry from my friends and family, tears after tears.
It wasn’t easy and it didn’t happen over night – but god, it was worth it.
Part of me worries that I’m going downhill again, that I will waste all of the effort that I put towards getting better.
That won’t happen.
Once we’ve learnt these new coping mechanisms, that newfound strength, we can’t unlearn it.
Yes, we may struggle for quite some time and yes, we may fall back into a depressive state. The thing is, we know how to pull ourselves out of that now. We know what to do and what not to do, in order to feel better.
It’s okay to relapse and it’s okay to become unwell again. There’s no sure way to avoid it and there’s no definitive answer about whether or not you will remain happy for the rest of your life.
The one thing that’s for sure, the one definite aspect, is that although it may not get easier, you will eventually be able to deal with it more easily.
Nothing lasts forever, not even the bad.
If it’s not easier right now, that’s okay. You have time to learn and you have time to teach yourself a strength that will lift you up for the rest of your life.
I’m sorry if these aren’t the answers that you’re looking for. But they’re my answers, and it’s my truth.
Xo,
Kiarna.
