Don’t Just “Listen”, LISTEN

Published in

The Startup

6 min readApr 30, 2018

In a typical conversation, one person talks and the other person listens, but have most of us thought about HOW we listen?

Talking is easy. We tend to gravitate toward talking about ourselves, and let’s face it, we love talking more than listening. It’s low effort, but the payout is big.

Listening is harder. Statistics show that only 10 percent of us listen effectively.

Do we remember what the other person said before interjecting? Do we think of a reponse while they are talking?

If we do these things, chances are, we are so distracted by what is going on in our lives that we don’t allow ourselves to really understand others and process what they are saying.

I have been recently more conscious of the way I communicate.

What have I been doing is along the lines of active listening. It’s involving multiple senses through verbal and non-verbal messages, such as maintaining eye contact, nodding your head and smiling, agreeing by saying ‘Yes’ or simply ‘Mmm hmm’ to encourage people to continue talking.

Here is what I learned by changing the way I listen:

I am more present

We are so used to doing everything fast paced that our conversations suffer the same problem where we process our questions and responses on the spot.

I have learned to take things slowly and be in the moment when talking to someone. I try to take in everything they say and process it because people want to be heard. I want to make people feel like their words are valuable because they are and there is always something to take away from them.

Active Listening = Being Present

I love helping people. I want them to know I am there for them and this is through listening. Being present allows me to support my friends and others when they want me to listen. This builds trust and support which trickles down to the interactions we have and the quality time we spend. You can apply this to other interactions, like at work, and it creates trust and accountability because people can count on you

I learn more deeply about the person

Listening to people allows me to learn more about them and how I can help them. By concentrating on what someone is saying, it allows me to understand them better, whether they need support in a big event or when they don’t feel comfortable about something.

The way someone is talking and what they are talking about can reveal a lot about themselves they might not even realize. In times of need, do what you can to fill in the gaps that can help them. Depending on the situation, listening deeply allows you to empathize with what a person is going through and allows you to provide the appropriate support that can benefit them.

Conversations are more meaningful

By letting people speak without interruption or bias, you connect more with the other person by giving them space to express themselves. I have had deeper conversations by really taking in the other person’s presence. Noticing their tone of voice, body language and mannerisms allow me to focus on how they are feeling when they are talking about something and it allows me to feel how they are feeling by mirroring my senses to theirs. This makes me more alert to what is being said and allows me to connect the dots of what they are saying to my life.

Developing a more objective point of view

When we think of responses while the other person is talking, we can perpetuate our existing biases to a conversation. If both people do this, this doesn’t give anyone a chance to think about differing point of views. We don’t really gain anything from the conversation besides pushing our thoughts and beliefs onto each other. Sure, we might be eliciting emotions but are we generating understanding that isn’t rooted from our own bias of a situation?

Active listening has allowed me to understand the other person’s point of view without incorporating my own opinions or feelings. This allows me to concentrate on what they are saying while considering different aspects, such as where they come from, their upbringing, and so forth.

Less bias leads to an openness to understanding and giving people benefit of the doubt to fully express themselves.

I don’t immediately jump to talk about feelings, but how what they are saying connects to different points of their life, and trying to understand and what influences them, how they make decisions, where they are coming from.

People reciprocate

The surprising point was that when I intently listened to people while they were talking, they intently listened to me.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend I met for the first time and we talked for 11 hours. This was because along with having similar experiences and life goals, we gave our full attention to listening when one person was talking.

Research has found that active listening helps us focus on understanding others and also improves our relationships by promoting trust, reducing conflict, and increasing our ability to motivate and inspire those with whom we’re communicating. Listening to people’s stories, along with sharing our own, can prompt us to put our attention into another person’s world, which cultivates connection. (1)

When we show people that we are interested in hearing them speak, the person speaking will usually feel more at ease and therefore communicate more easily, openly and honestly. These behaviors can be mirrored which allows both people to have a fulfilling conversation.

Conclusion

By actively listening to other people, I learn from them. I have learned new skills that I can apply to my own life. People’s stories or mistakes have inspired me to evaluate myself by thinking about the kind of person I am now and who I want to become. This happens regardless of the person I talk to, making me more open to meeting new people.

Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond…The beauty of listening is that, those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends. — Henri Nouwen

Active listening can turn seemingly useless conversations into life lessons that allow you to understand people and how you can help them. Through active listening, we can understand things just a little better and realize that everyone offers perspective that can shape your life.

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