Failure is often the Greatest Teacher
I’m guessing you’d rather welcome change than cling to the past.
“Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never give in. Nothing, great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” — Winston Churchill
We are often bombarded by the successes of others, resulting in this overwhelming feeling of “not keeping up” with our peers. The way our world is set up is that we only share our successes, and not the million wrong turns we took before we ended up there. It is like an iceberg — we only see the snowy white tip, not the massive body of ice concealed underneath the water.
In no way do I consider myself successful (yet). I am nowhere near achieving all the goals I have set out for myself. But I’d like to discuss some of my failures and the lessons it taught me. I am the strong, empathetic, driven individual today, because of the many failures I have encountered. I’m technically an INTJ, and with that comes being a perfectionist, problem-solver, confidence sometimes comes across as arrogance, terribly sensitive to criticism, and if I did not succeed 100%, I considered it a failure. In high school I was an A-grade student, living by the motto “You can sleep when you’re dead.” I did homework on weekends and late in the evenings. I used to get up at 3AM to review all my work before morning exams. Keep that in mind when I say that what you might consider one quarter or half a success, I might still consider a failure. But failures are not always measured by tests, sometimes it can be personal failures, failures to meet personal goals, or failed relationships.
Here are some of my failures that I have grown enough to be able to share…
Failing my Drivers License
I was 18 year old and this was the first time I had ever failed anything. I had practiced many many hours with a driving instructor, only to fail my drivers test within 60 seconds. (I rolled on the hill!) I was too nervous and I made a massive rookie error. I cried the whole way home. The worst part is that my twin sister, who took the test that same day, passed hers. My twin sister and I have been competing ever since we could remember. Who started reading and writing first? (Me, BTW) Who got the best scores for this test or that test? You get the picture. Even though I considered myself a better, more confident driver than her, she was a stickler for the rules and passed simply by checking all the boxes. She was the perfect drivers test pupil. To add to the pain, she could “drive” — 40km/h on a 60km/h road — the two of us around for the next few months until I got my drivers the second time round. What did this teach me? Well, I guess in my tiny 18-year old world, I had to accept that I am not immune to failing. It was humbling. Sometimes you can be wholly prepared and still choke when it came to show-time. It would take me years before I overcame my “stage-fright” or performance anxiety during critical situations.
Failure to be accepted for Architecture Degree
Few people who know me also know that I love art, especially contemporary and modern art, and at one point in my life I wanted to become an architect. I still love visiting beautiful buildings and have clocked many hours spent in art galleries. During high school I was always top or near the top of my class in Visual Arts — see one of my more recent works —and I spent breaks working on my art projects. Sometimes I even bunked boring classes to go sit in the art class. Art became my creative outlet, my sketchbook was my bible, and my paint-splattered clothes a source of pride. I could really see myself continuing a path in architecture. I spent my winter holiday working on portfolios one had to submit to be considered for the interviews. I was invited for an interview, and I was hugely excited. No, not hugely, BIGLY. My father shared my excitement, and he supported me tremendously during my application process, and even travelled with me, over 2000kms in one weekend, so that I could make the interview.
I got there, and we were bombarded with 6 hours of standardised tests. Although I prepared extensively, being very ADHD, I struggled quite a bit with these tests. After the tests, I was exhausted, but then came my interview. Again, after months of preparation, I choked at the critical point. I didn’t make it. It took them a month to notify us of our acceptance, but I knew, on the long road home already, that I wouldn’t make it. Now, as you can imagine, this was a huge blow to me. I had my whole life planned out. And suddenly I was back to square -1. So what do you do when you don’t know what to do with your life?
Part of me wanted to take a gap year and just figure things out. But in 2014 I started studying a BSc in Theoretical Physics, because Physics was my other great love besides art. One of my prerequisites was Computer Science. For the first time I learned coding and for a brief period my world was whole again. This was a huge turning point in my life — I learned that things don’t always go according to plan, that we have to be robust to change and adversity. And yeah, it was extremely disappointing, but it changed my trajectory, and I cannot imagine not being in the field I am today, with the friends I have met and the experiences I’ve had.
Almost failing my First Year of University
Okay so I was not prepared for the toll that university would take on me. I remember feeling incredibly lonely and simply inadequate. I almost failed Computer Science 114, got 40% for my physics tests and gained weight. Thoughts of giving up crossed my mind almost daily. But something kept me going. I think it was just the fact that everyone else was telling me that I’d quit soon enough, or that I didn’t have what it takes to be a programmer or a scientist. I turned things around (kicking myself into gear, putting motivational quotes on my wall, studying late nights until early mornings), and at the end of the year I got a distinction for CS, passed physics, and was exercising almost daily. At the end of my first year, I switched my major to Computer Science, and I guess the rest is history! The lessons I learned: perseverance, CONSISTENCY, and hard work. There is nothing the human spirit cannot achieve once it is on fire.
Fast Forward
Anyways, so fast forward from my previous almost failure — in addition to my Computer Science major I did minors in Mathematics, Mathematical Statistics, and Applied Mathematics. My undergraduate years were a mix of 20 hour work days, partying, and frequent clashes with the status quo. I had a few failed relationships. Technically failed Bayesian Statistics but that’s okay. I also took on more responsibilities and became a student leader in my student residence, managing portfolios such as Maintenance, Parking, Womxn Empowerment, Events, etc. I learned to see the “bigger picture”. Learned to deal with my “choking at critical points” by doing more public speaking and putting myself in more and more challenging environments. Did a few internships and got especially interested in finance and market prediction. I was frequently bored during my postgraduate studies and started experimenting with APIs. Specifically Crypto platforms’ APIs.
Built a Crypto Trading Bot that Spectacularly Crashed and Burned
Ah man. This one is the worst. Thought I’d try my hand in building automated trading bots in the crypto-sphere. The bots I designed exploited the highly reactive nature of the market and was essentially capitalising on the behaviour of bots and humans trading on false positive signals. Even though my bot was a solid design, there were a few things that I could not foresee, such as a highly volatile market which was essentially rewriting the book on Black Swan events, unreliable APIs (I’m looking at you, LUNO!), and just my general lack of experience in the field. I lost a bit of my savings (R7k) and at first I thought, wow, I just wasted 6 months. But it wasn’t wasted — I learned a new programming skill, I learned what a “bubble” meant (and I hope I’d be able to recognize it again in the future), and most importantly, I learned to become extremely comfortable with taking risks. In any case, I view this experience as a very expensive, but valuable failure. But then again, some people spend money on entire degrees and learn no marketable skills, so perhaps it wasn’t all that bad.
In Conclusion
We are all human. We make mistakes. We can play it safe and never take risks and only dream of exponential returns or lucky breaks. Or we can throw the dice and spectacularly crash and burn most of the time, or, just once, come out on top. Those who said they have never failed are lying because they have, in the very least, failed at failing. Failure breaks us down only to make us stronger and more resilient the next time we face a challenge. Failure chips away at our egos, so that only the best parts of you remain. Got a failure story you’d like to share?
Got questions? Feel free to email me at jeanne.e.daniel@gmail.com .
