Handling difficult conversations in 7 steps

Separating facts from interpretations and feelings is critical to the success of authentic conversations

When faced with situations that require complicated conversations, the natural tendency of humans is to run away and avoid difficult interactions as much as possible. This behavior is normal — talking about sensitive issues creates discomfort, shakes relationships, and leaves us feeling that something is being lost.

But circumstances that require frank dialogue often occur throughout life. Ending a relationship, telling a colleague that she or he needs to improve personal hygiene, asking for a raise, giving negative feedback, or making up after a fight are some of the moments when knowing how to conduct a conversation in a constructive and friendly manner is critical.

I had many failed conversations before learning the technique of Authentic Conversations with UCSD professor Kobe Bogaert. I venture to say that this “formula” changed my life — everything became much easier after I learned how to structure my conversations by following this framework.

But first listen to your heart

Before start authentic conversations it is important that you reflect deeply and be honest with yourself. There is no right or wrong when it comes to what you really want — listen to what is deep within your heart and prepare in advance by writing down your thoughts. At the time of conversation try to book a quiet place and choose an appropriate moment — it may be interesting to schedule a time. Try to control your emotions and just start an authentic conversation when you are calm — you will hardly get good results if you are hot-headed. Following are the 7 steps and two examples of situations in which they can be applied.

1. Declare concern

The first step to a successful authentic conversation is to state your good intentions and concerns about the existing relationship.

(Work) “Some situations that have happened recently at work have made me uncomfortable. I want to have a good relationship with you and I believe this is fundamental to the success of our group, but some of your attitudes have bothered me. ”

(Couple) “I am concerned about the future of our relationship in this relationship / marriage. I want to have a totally honest and open relation with you, and I am bothered by some situations that have happened recently and are still happening.”

2. Report the facts

Once you have started the dialogue openly, showing that you really care about the relationship, the next step is to list the facts that motivated the conversation. Important: It is necessary to distinguish what really happened from what is interpretation of what happened (this is the next point). A good tactic is to imagine that the situation has been recorded on audio or video: when you talk about it, imagine yourself as an outsider describing what you see and hear. It is important not to interpret the situation, but only to report it. Here’s an example:

(Work) “By asking me to do something, over the last month you have been acting aggressively, eventually even using inappropriate words. You also haven’t given me enough detail either to perform the delegated tasks. ”

(Couple) “You’ve been home late on some nights for the past two weeks. Since you don’t respond to my messages, I don’t know where you are and what may be happening. I don’t know if I should eat dinner, if we can engage in any activity with friends at night, or if I should wait to go to sleep. ”

3. State your interpretation of the facts

Now that the facts that triggered the conversation have been exposed, you can talk about how you feel about what is happening — your interpretations. At this point you will talk about your feelings — always trying to be assertive.

(Work) “When you talk to me using harsh words and act aggressively, I feel insecure and with a feeling that I did something wrong. I also fear for my job and feel that it makes me less productive because I’m worried about other things. Finally, I feel that you don’t observe company values ​​when you relate to your colleagues in this way. ”

(Couple) “When you arrive late and don’t let me know or give me any explanation, I get anxious and worried about you. I have a feeling you don’t care about me and you don’t care about our relationship. I believe this is not your intention, but as you tell me nothing, this is how I see your attitude. ”

4. Talk about emotions

You’ve talked about the facts that bother you and how you feel about it — now is the time to talk about your emotions. State clearly how you feel when the facts in question happen.

(Work) “I feel insecure and disrespected when you use inappropriate terms for the work environment. I also feel lost and undirected when you don’t give me clear instructions on what you want and how I should act. ”

(Couple) “I feel sad because I think you don’t care about our relationship. I also feel frustrated and guilty because I imagine I’m doing something wrong and that’s why you don’t want to talk to me. I confess I get a little angry too — why do you leave me without any information if you know I’ll be worried?

5. State what you want

With the situation exposed and the feelings involved mentioned, explain what you want for the future. How would you like this situation to be resolved? What result do you expect after this conversation?

(Work) “I would like you to rethink the way you have been talking to me and stop using slang when addressing me. I would also like you to better explain the tasks you need me to do. “

(Couple) “I would like you to let me know in advance from now on when you are arriving late. I would also like you to explain to me better why you have been coming so late lately. “

6. Declare Possibilities

Offer alternatives. What can be done to get the desired result? Help your partner know how to act by offering some suggestions.

(Work) “We can have friendly, civilized conversations, speaking quietly and using appropriate words. To talk calmly we can schedule a room and make an appointment to talk about the activities I should do — so you will have the peace and time to explain to me what you need. “

(Couple) “You can call me, send me an email or a message — it doesn’t matter as long as you let me know. If when you leave home you already know you should be back late, you can tell me early in the morning that you shouldn’t be home for dinner. And as to the reasons for your change of time, I would like you to explain to me what is happening. Are you having difficulties at work? You mentioned a few weeks ago that there would be a change in the board and that you might have to work overtime to prepare a series of reports — is that what is happening?

7. Action

Finally, consolidate what has been said in a joint action proposal. In most cases of difficult conversations, the necessary action involves the search for better communication between the parties.

(Work): “Are we going to schedule a fixed weekly meeting to review my activities? And if I’m doing something wrong, feel free to correct me and give me feedback whenever you feel it is necessary. “

(Couple): “How are we going to communicate better going forward? Can we arrange for you to send me a message whenever you come home at a different time, and what will you tell me when you are having difficulties at work? “

When we have a difficult conversation in sight, it is natural to create imaginary dialogues in our head. In this mental universe everything is possible — and the tendency is to idealize miraculous possibilities and dramatic results. But, as the saying goes, when you hear hooves, why think of zebras if they are more likely to be horses? Avoid thinking in negative scenarios — the answer is often much simpler and more obvious than anything we imagine. In my experience, I have often found that the person on the other side did not even know that he was doing something that generated negative feelings on the other, and did not act maliciously on purpose. In such cases, frank talk without aggression usually works miracles.

Remember that every dialogue is made up of two parts — you need to know how to speak, but listening is essential. Once you have said what you have to say, allow the other person to give their version of the facts and explain what is going on — and seek consensus on what can be done from now on, so that the situation that is causing you discomfort can be resolved smoothly and stop being a focus of tension.