Hostage negotiations with my paycheck
What my paycheck said about me as an individual
It got to be too much. I was drained physically and emotionally. My wife had carried the burden of childcare in addition to her increasing work responsibilities for too long. We were both ready to snap and I’d been applying to jobs for months. Six different companies, 13 interviews, and finally one offered me a role.
30% cut in pay. Thirty. Percent. Cut.
I’d told myself I was taking the job no matter what. I talked to my wife about the offer and she wasn’t jumping over the moon for the opportunity or the pay. I was going to have to sell it to her but I could barely sell it to myself.
In my head I knew it was the right move to make. All the other numbers added up:
45 minute commute drops to 5 minutes = +80 minutes/day*4 days = +320 minutes.
12 hours workday drops to 9 hours = +180 minutes/day* 4 days = +720 minutes.
4 day schedule goes up to 5 day schedule = -450 minutes/wk
Total time for the week = +590 minutes/wk = +9 hours 50 minutes
I could move my daughter from my wife’s insurance to my new one with a lower deductible and a lower monthly payment and keep her with the same pediatrician = potentially less spending on healthcare costs.
But I kept coming back to the paycheck and there was no one I could talk to about it. In my experience I couldn’t talk to my friends about how much money I was making or how much less I would be making. I was comfortable enough to tell the closest of them that I thought it would all wash with the insurance and increased family time. I mean, how do you put a number to family time? Of course they told me to take it. I was using them as practice for selling to my wife and my own self-esteem.
30% cut.
I thought about it for 2 days. I obsessed over it. I crunched every number I could. I applied analytics to aspects of my life that no rational person would do and I’m still ashamed of it. After 2 days of tossing and turning, after 2 days of deliberating, after 2 days of trying to make a decision that I felt was impossible, I finally realized why I was struggling to take the job.
My paycheck provided a number that put a value to my self-worth. That check showed the value I provided to society. That check was the result of attending a very large state university for undergraduate and graduate programs. That check helped justify the money I took from family to offset the costs of my higher education. That check showed all the hard work I’d put in with my current company and the appropriate raises I’d received for that work.
For 4 years I’d used my check as a way to justify everything else I’d been missing out on. But now I wasn’t going to have to miss out on family time, or weekends with friends, or time with my daughter for more than a rushed 30 minutes before bedtime, or quality time with my wife.
Fuck that check. I wanted a life.
I took the job and I’m a month into it. I’ve gotten 2 paychecks and we’re still making ends meet. I feel like a participant in my family rather than just the provider. I’m rebuilding relationships with friends. My work is valued and I’m a contributing member of my work team. I don’t dig too deep into my paycheck or the job market to see if I could make more elsewhere. I’m happy and it isn’t tied to my paycheck.
