How do you know abuse has happened if you don’t remember it?
And why is it important to know?
Something interesting occurred the other day. My husband and I were messing around and he slipped his hand between my legs.
Not a bad thing…I enjoyed it. It felt good.
But, my body stopped. Like I was frozen.
Every move I made after that became mechanical like I was planning it. How to move, to sound, where to touch him…all completely thought out so he would think I enjoyed it. Only…I actually was! However, the real actor exited the scene and the stunt double took her place.
The mind-boggling part is that this was the first time in my life that I noticed it happening! Now, I didn’t say it was the first time it happened. My body has always reacted this way; I am just now conscious of it.
It rocked my world a bit; to know and finally see a wall that, until now, had been completely invisible to me.
I started thinking back through my life.
I’ve seen for a long time that I have a block in certain kinds of sexual situations. I realized around the age of nineteen, that I could not stop men from doing things that I didn’t want to do. I would want to stop it, to say no.
