How “Gray Area Thinking” Is Going To Save America From Itself
Lessons from Ellie Krug, a transgender lawyer, about compassion and inclusivity for the world.
I settled into my chair, an uncomfortable blue folding type that threatened to collapse under me, and I glanced around the room as the speaker approached the stand.
Sitting in a gymnasium with 50 or so fellow staff and support team members, we had been briefed about this training day.
I anticipated a day I would probably enjoy as it revolved around diversity and inclusion, something I was sure I knew quite a bit about.
A woman, who I guessed was probably in her late 50s or early 60s approached the microphone.
But, the minute she opened her mouth to speak, my brain seemed to scream, “Does not compute. Does not compute.”
I tried to control my facial expressions as my brain went into overdrive, searching for an answer.
What I was hearing and what I was seeing did not match.
Little did I know, I would learn the most valuable lesson I would ever learn about inclusivity and loving the “other” that day.
Little did I realize that what this day would bring was a jarring of the soul, a reckoning with all that I had learned in my early years of childhood, and an awakening to gray area thinking.
A Little About Ellie
Ellie Krug is a lot of things — unique, quirky, funny — but what she is, more than anything, is compassionate.
In the first five minutes of her talk, she offered an open invitation to an hour of her time to anyone who needs it to talk about gender, sexuality identity or simply their survival with the Human Condition.
This open offer is something she shares with every single group she meets with.
Beginning with a simple “hello” and then giving space for the audience to grapple with the discord of a masculine sounding voice from a feminine woman, Ellie creates a beautiful illustration for something she firmly believes in:
“Everyone habitually categorizes and groups humans who appear ‘different’ from ‘us,’ which often lends to black and white thinking, as in ‘we’ versus ‘them’ or ‘good’ versus ‘bad’.” (Krug)
In all honesty, Krug should know. She, herself, has moved directly from one extreme to the other, from the “us” to the “them.”
Prior to 2009, Ellie was a hard-charging trial attorney, who was a decidedly heterosexual Christian male. Ellie was mentored by some incredible attorneys in Boston before moving to Cedar Rapids, Iowa to open her own law practice that specialized in death and life-changing trial work. She won far more cases (mostly jury-decided) than she lost during that time.
In 2009, she transitioned from male to female and from that time on, her eyes were opened to the nuances of the “other.”
Three months after her transition, she became the first Iowa attorney (and one of the first few nationally) to try a jury case in the other gender.
She no longer fit the stereotypical “white Christian American male, morphing into a beautiful bisexual Buddhist transgender woman” (according to Ellie herself). She was anything but the norm.
And now she had the experience to speak into the space between “us” and “them,” because she was living it.
A Tribal Root
From the dawn of time, man has found himself grouped: grouped into communities, tribes, sects, and cultures.
According to Krug, “Humans are wired for grouping and labeling.”
The essence of tribalism, however, is built on the insider v. the outsider. In days past, tribalism was an essential part of life.
It “provided security and identity” which created a feeling of safety within the tribe (Krug).
Unfortunately, tribalism inhibits tribe members from interacting with humans who constitute the “other,” which hinders inclusivity.
Consider the reaction of conservatives and Trump when news broke of the caravans massing in Central America, bound for the United States.
Consider the xenophobic “Muslim Ban” put in place that caused chaos in airports across the country and around the world.
Consider the removal of funding for international crises that have been supported by the US for years.
Simply put, these are examples of tribalism at its finest.
But really, the core of tribalism is based on one emotion: fear.
Tribalism thrives in places where fear exists.
We are vulnerable, and we know it.
We can’t simply put aside those feelings of fear, because they have been hardwired into us since the dawn of time.
It’s the only way the human species has survived this long.
So really, how can we deal with these feelings of fear and of tribalism, which is so innate that we sometimes don’t even realize we are doing it?
The answer, according to Ellie Krug? Gray Area Thinking. Recognizing that at the core of it all, humans have empathetic hearts and want to do the right thing, but sometimes we are so bound by fear, that empathy gets overridden.
Finding Common Ground
Believe it or not, but we are far more alike than we humans think.
In addition to a hardwiring for empathetic hearts and compassion, Krug argues that there are four commonalities that can sustain humanity through it all.
1. Wanting a child in one’s life to succeed.
2. The need to be free from physical or emotional violence.
3. Wanting 20 minutes of personal peace.
4. The need to love and be loved.
Remembering these four commonalities can radically shift the way we see the people around us.
When we consider the fact that every single human being on this planet has a capacity for love, empathy, compassion, and has intrinsic, hardwired needs that are shared, there really are no “others.”
Those people who were coming up from Central America to seek asylum in the United States? All seeking those four commonalities.
The server at the restaurant you ate at last night with your family? She’s seeking those four commonalities.
The person in the White House who is currently going through an impeachment trial? He, too, seeks those four commonalities.
We are all simply trying to survive the Human Condition.
Going from Black and White to Gray
Knowing now that we are all really the same deep down, it’s time to really dig into the idea of “Gray Area Thinking,” says Ellie Krug, in her talk entitled with the same name.
Our world really is constructed in lots of very black and white ways.
Straight vs. Gay. Right vs. Wrong. Rich vs. Poor. Success vs. Failure. Majority vs. Minority. Republican vs. Democrat.
But really, is this black and white way of viewing things helping or hurting us?
When we use black and white thinking, are we simply using tribalism and putting people in those boxes?
Are we using assumptions or are we really trying to see the humanity in one another?
While judging and labeling others or oneself can have benefits, such as giving one a sense of community or identity, doing so becomes problematic when it leads to discrimination or prejudices, according to Krug.
There are three key hallmarks that Krug guides her audiences through that denote when someone is using “Gray Area Thinking” instead of traditional black-and-white thinking.
An easy way to remember it is using the phrase: ARC.
A) Awareness of human vulnerability (or suffering);
R) Risk-taking to soften or lessen another’s vulnerability (or suffering);
C) Acting with Compassion/kindness
“Gray-Area Thinking” involves intentional choices of interracting with others particularly when there are people at risk around us.
When we recognize that people are at risk of being vulnerable or suffering and when we step in and do something with compassion, we are acting through the lens of “Gray-Area Thinking.”
A perfect example of this can be seen in the case of Darnell Barton.
You may not recognize his name, but he was actually offered $10,000 by Donald Trump back in 2013 for doing something really unexpected: using “Gray-Area Thinking” (although I don’t think he realized it at the time).
Darnell, a bus driver in New York City, was driving along his route and came along a woman standing on an overpass. Instead of continuing his route, he did the unthinkable: he stopped.
After a few minutes of her not responding to his shouts asking if she was okay, he got off the bus and walked toward her. He grabbed her arm, put his other arm around her, and then asked if she wanted to get down. She finally responded yes.
There were so many things that could’ve gone wrong. Darnell truly used “Gray Area Thinking” when it came to this woman and what he did to save her from certain death.
Moving Forward
America, we’re in a tough spot. We are in a bit of a hot mess. I won’t pretend that we aren’t in a place where so many of us are feeling the crunch.
It’s time that we start to embrace the humanity seen in one another.
There are many around us who are in that spot that the woman was. They might not be literally on an overpass, standing, peering over the edge, contemplating their lives, but there certainly are many who are mentally there.
We are so cruel to the people around us. We use social media to shame, to hurt, to bully, to tease. We use Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook and the like to idolize what we want and what we need. It really isn’t healthy. And it really isn’t honoring of inclusivity or compassion.
It’s time to throw tribalism out the window in favor of commonalities.
It’s time to face the future with a gray-scale lens.
It’s time to be more compassionate and more inclusive people.
