How I Managed To Do Everything In My Life
A brief story of my self-bloom
Have you ever been afraid of changing something in your life? Moving forward is something that makes you feel stressed? Are you constantly postponing to grow your personal health, the working and independence dream? Does the spark of moving to another era of your life make you feel anxious? Are you forever sabotaging yourself by saying that this is not possible to be done, or you are never good enough to make it?
Well, either you believe it or not, this is not the first time we are doing this to ourselves. Basically, we have been doing this since we were born. However, we have made those changes without realizing them and now they are part of your life and you don’t know it! From walking for the first, until using the computer and log in Medium.
As long as I can remember myself I was always afraid of change. Moving to another city when I was a teen was almost impossible, that’s why I didn’t let my family do it. Changing friends and environment was something I would never go for. I wanted everything to remain exactly the same as I knew it and got used to it. And now I know this is a mental, human-made disease.
Some years later, I had to move to another place so as to study. Do you know how many years did it take me to move from this place? Twelve years. I studied for four years and managed to stay there for an extra eight years because I paralyzed every time I was thinking of changing the environment and friends. I didn’t make any changes in my house, self, and habits because my comfort zone was a strongly built castle that I was continuously defending.
I would get angry every time anyone would ever tell me “Are you going to stay there forever?”. Well, yes! I am going to stay here forever! I love my life, I love my routines, my people, the weather and everything. I was lying first to myself. Now that I look back and I see my life from another point of view, I see that my life offered me nothing there, the people were overdramatic and boring, the weather was perfect, but you can find this in other areas too and honestly, I wasted my time just because I had translated my weakness and fear of change in positive lies, comfort, and sensitivity.
Thank the Universe, my life started being unbearable and uncomfortable, so it made me jump off the hard rock. My physical and mental conditions started betraying my illusions and myself. Daily routine and disappointments made me quit my life for over four years, little by little every day. I stopped eating, cleaning my house and going out of my bed. I isolated myself from others. Their stuck attitude, drama, and lack of action made me feel anxiety. I just couldn’t listen to their problems anymore. I found myself at the zero point of my life.
I understood that these people may be good people, but they weren’t MY people.
And I thank the universe for that. Because I know myself, and if something was just bearable I would have stayed in this place forever. Misery is not always visible. You can see how miserable you once were when you change and start remembering what relief looks like in your soul.
I was about to die, I think. Or at least, my habits were those of a dead person. The fear of change ended up making me a dead person.
So, I had no other option. I started changing my habits little by little every day, so as to encourage myself that I could handle it. I am so happy that I understood that overwhelming myself and disappointing me for not achieving more goals than I could handle, was the worst thing to do.
You can read my journey step by step below.
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Soon I realized that I got addicted to the positive feelings that change gave me. I wanted more. As I kept reading and knowing things, I realized that change is a universal law and human laws and morals that avoid it are against our nature. Avoiding our nature and the universe causes anxiety and isolation of the whole magic scenery. And this is sad for a unique life. Animals don’t do this, except if they are forced to be caged.
You can’t skip change, this is how the beautiful universe works
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My life then started becoming more demanding. Because of my change, I was forced to keep going further and further and the new levels of my life were demanding a new self stronger and more conscious. Anxiety would always come to remind me that I couldn’t do those things and I had better return to my past self, where comfort and safety were avoiding stress. I had done enough, I could take a rest now. And this is another trap.
There I found the key that helped me unlock this hard level. How to manage things I thought I could never achieve. To be honest, teaching kids how to do it helped me realize it for myself. Since we were born, we have been doing things we were afraid to do or things that we then thought were impossible to be done.
Every time we do something new, it seems that it is impossible. From the day we walked, the day we first tried to ride our bikes, the day we started to write in school and use the internet.
Do you remember the first time you first tried to log into Medium? The first time you tried to link your PayPal account with your bank account? I remember I had locked it so many times, I went to the bank several times to fix it and waited for too long so as to unlock it and start getting paid. I was sure that I was stupid and that I would never do it.
Just six years ago I thought that I would never drive. Now I am a great driver and I am really proud of it. I can park everywhere, I drive long distances and it is the best thing I do. Driving with music. With good company, alone or with my dogs. I would have lost so many good memories and ideas if I had never learned to drive. If you would tell me that back then I would never imagine it. Honestly, I believed that I would find other ways to travel and move around the city.
Some years ago, I thought that I would never graduate and teach. I thought I would never study hard enough to be able to teach and I would do something else in my life. Today, I am moving around in my car going to my kids' homes and they constantly tell me how much they love me as a teacher and that I tell them things in a way they can understand! I am not a traditional teacher, I just love my students and explain grammar and stuff in a way they can learn them. They love me, I was wrong.
Some years ago I would never imagine that I would live in another city and grow there. Now I am enjoying all the good things a big city can offer me and I live happily in a totally different place. I thought I would never break up from a stupid person because I thought I had to stay there and that was all about. Now I see just how stupid and young I was. I was in a path where I would just through my precious life in a filthy bin.
Some years ago I thought I would never be able to unlock my feelings and talk to people about myself, traumas and needs. I thought I would keep them in me forever. It was a very difficult thing to do, but it was releasing. I then found my people, came closer, laughed with some things I thought they were important and now are jokes. I have ignored others, whose stupidity was released after talking them for real. When we keep things for ourselves and not uncover real talk, we take people more seriously than they truly are, while their IQ and emotional intelligence is low.
Every little thing I have done in my life seemed impossible to be done. All the times I ruined it first before managing it. I always make mistakes, lock things, beat machines and start it all over again. I rarely learn from my mistakes. But now I just keep going. No matter what, I just keep doing them.
Every time something I need to do for my self-growth and it seems impossible I see a black mountain in front of me. My past self would just avoid it, hide it so as not to be seen and I would go to sleep. Now, when I get paralyzed of fear I just say to myself, relax, just do one step towards this mountain.
Today I can only do one step.
I can’t climb this black horrifying mountain in one day. This is what I used to do. I used to think that I had to climb it in one day. This one small step isn’t horrifying though! I just do this for today and I feel the positive emotion of it. Most of the time, since I started this attitude when I finished the small everyday tasks that would take me to the top of the mountain, and finally reached it, I had almost forgotten the view of the black mountain. Because now this mountain was translated as the positive small steps of the procedure I had done.
This black mountain turned into the love I felt for the steps.
I hadn’t finished my studies because of my anxiety about presenting the final project in front of people. And I was afraid to pass this level because of what was coming next. Every time I sat in front of my computer to work I would see myself in front of people and I would collapse. That’s why it took me twelve whole years to graduate! Can you imagine that? When this black mountain started making me sick, I said to myself just to work for half an hour each day for the research and the work. Just that. And that this work would not necessarily lead me to the presentation. Just one small step towards this mountain.
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I managed to move to another completely different place. When a panic attack would visit me because of the fear of change I focused on the small task I had to fulfill this day so as to climb my mountain. I burnt the fucking miserable bridges between people that just wanted company in the misery. And then the day came, I cried a lot because I was afraid, but kept doing it.
Maybe all these things sound funny to you, but I was and still I am that weak of a person. I had and I still have to train myself cope with my life, I am never prepared for anything, the change I made is that I just look the fear in the eyes with the weapon “ One small step towards it, just for today”.
Is it about writing a book? Write one page today. Is it cleaning your house? Just sweep your bedroom today. Is it breaking up from a toxic person? Just love your mind only today. Speak to yourself as a baby and encourage your self by talking to your mind as the precious person you are. Get addicted to your compliments. Is it about quitting the toxic job that keeps you in a zoo? Just do one little step towards your idea. Just train yourself to become practical. The practical dreamer that will save you.
Have you ever thought about how much we need your idea? Have you ever thought about how much we need you? We need you, my friend, we need your healthy self and healthy idea, so as to give you back the love you gave us.
As I see it, as a stressful and weak short person, is that we can make it by completing a tiny, pure step at a time.
Work just for today.
And put out of your mind other people’s weights and weaknesses to do so.
If we had never tried we would still crawl. Look back in your life and see how many small and big steps you have made. And just encourage your beautiful self to keep up with this attitude. It is as simple and as hard as it sounds.