The little guide with big advice
How not to be the office clown
A comprehensive, no holds barred guide to bulletproofing yourself at work.
I apologize in advance.
Warning. Some of the content in this guide will likely hurt your pride. This is especially true if you identify and connect with what I describe. Don’t worry, I fall into the same bracket and have learned from my own failures. This is my attempt to help you learn all the things I wish I had known earlier on in my career.
Who this guide is for
It’s for those who simply want to blend into the corporate culture. It’s difficult enough trying to stand out. Sometimes people prefer to just blend in. Become invisible. People like to live in their comfort zones. Okay, okay, I know society challenges us to step out of our comfort zones, but some of us need to know the basics first and get used to them before we jump into the deep end.
What you will learn
I’ll admit one thing, this guide is negative. It’s a big list of don’t dos. Trust me, I’m only trying to protect you. The corporate life is very judgmental and downright snarky at times. There is a huge minefield of unwritten faux-pas waiting to be stepped on. People pick up on the tiniest of details because the subconscious brain is hard at work, 24/7 — and it won’t be long before someone’s overworked brain perceives you to be the office clown!
Let me make something clear: I don’t agree with the way corporate culture works. As I write this, the work-place landscape around us is changing, but that makes it important to be observant and aware of the change. Before you judge others, make sure you have invested time in yourself.
Also, a final point before we start. It’s ok if you disagree with some of the recommendations from this guide. After all, that’s what diversity of opinion is all about.
Your journey of self-awareness starts here
“Your brand is what people say about you when you’re not in the room”. Jeff Bezos
As you continue to climb the career ladder, you’ll notice the reasons why you’ve been promoted differs. As a junior, it’s about hard work — double and triple-checking your work is the name of the game. As you become more senior, your image, self-awareness and personal brand come to the fore. Your ability to influence people becomes critical.
In her book ‘Insight’, Dr. Tasha Eurich — an internationally recognized organizational psychologist, suggests people are generally bad judges of themselves. With over three years of research behind her, Eurich stated that about 95% of people think they have good awareness, but only about 10%-15% actually have this skill.
I want you to come away having read this guide with a heightened sense of awareness of how corporate etiquette works. So, let’s get rid of the things which are hurting your reputation. Let’s begin our journey of clarity. You’ll be glad you took the step!
My tone-deaf boss — don’t be him!
I will always remember my odd boss from early in my career. He was very one-dimensional. Very elite. Very ‘proper’. He had a perfectly slick, combed-back hairstyle, and he ate salad with chopsticks. He believed anyone oriental was Chinese and anyone brown was Indian. His philosophy was that everyone interviewing for a position in his team needed to have CEO potential. Someone that could potentially lead the company one day. A bit of a tone-deaf clown.
The reality is not everyone is Chinese or Indian. The world is diverse. Similarly, not everyone needs to be a superstar at work. Being the CEO is stressful. Even being a senior manager is more responsibility than some would like to take. There’s a section of the workforce that is content being an employee with a normal job in the weekdays and time to themselves or with family in the weekends.
Corporate thinking is now at a stage where diversity and inclusion is becoming increasingly important. It’s now increasingly okay to not necessarily push for promotion. Things are starting to loosen up.
But we aren’t quite there yet. The unwritten rule of office etiquette and expectations still stands today. It forces people to dress, walk, talk and speak in certain ways. Some thrive in this culture — it comes to them naturally. Unfortunately for others, it’s not natural, and they end up becoming the office clown. The clueless individual who wears multi-colored socks, the tone-deaf colleague who wears over-the-head headphones all day, and the clownish mid-level manager who makes inappropriate jokes.
Beware the narcissist
Key takeaway: the narcissist is on the lookout to give themselves a boost. You’re a prime target!
This guide is all about you and improving your self-awareness. But I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t start off with an outward approach and cover the various personality types out there in the office. I know we shouldn’t stereotype, especially as we have just highlighted the importance of diversity, but I do want to give you the tools to reflect outward first!
Here are some of the most common personality types:
- The workaholic: too busy working. Doesn’t have time to notice others
- The delegator: usually the boss. If not the boss, then it’s someone everyone loves to hate
- The backstabber: your best friend until you realize they’ve received a promotion with your ideas
- The kitchen slob: the primary person responsible for ruining the kitchen lives of others
- The overly ambitious junior: thinks they own the place and doesn’t know any of the content in this guide
- The chatterbox: the person you avoid because otherwise you’ll be trapped in a 30-minute conversation
- The narcissist: the slightly mentally unstable colleague who is on the lookout for victims
- The sharer: their life is an open book, and so is their mouth, at times
- The noisemaker: a little bit tone-deaf. Usually, people are too awkward to tell them to stop because it is in their nature not to
- The annoying critic: the person who has been at the firm forever. They are miserable, yet they will not leave
- The meeting scheduler: super structured and looks like they’re getting work done
- The gossiper: the person you should stay close to if you’re a clown. Chances are they’ll be talking about you if you’re not in their face
- The passive aggressor: doesn’t openly complain but loves to leave hints of their dissatisfaction, followed with a ‘thank you.
- The email overloader: barely talks to people, instead preferring to talk to the person next to them via email
Some of the personality types described are prone to being perceived as clowns. They include the kitchen slob, the chatterbox, the noisemaker, the overly ambitious junior, the email overloader, and the sharer. That’s 6 of the 14 personality types. Why? Because they’re usually seen to be out-of-touch with appropriateness.
The personality types that are likely to cause the most damage to clowns are the narcissist and the gossiper. The first is a bully who is likely to single out the clown for their own benefit. The gossiper, on the other hand, is causing damage by feeding the minds of others in the background while you are not around.
You have some ability to control the gossiper — after all, they only have something to gossip about if there is something to gossip about. The narcissist, on the other hand, can be downright aggressive. They usually have a soft core which lacks confidence and they more than compensate for it by either making themselves look good, or making others look weak.
Narcissists love being in control, so one way to show that is by exerting dominance over weaklings. They also love to dress better than everyone else, potentially exposing you if your dress sense is tone-deaf. They’ll directly put others down, once again to feed their ego, and they take advantage of others without feeling any guilt.
Of all the personality types, narcissists are probably the type that clowns need to avoid most. But that’s what this guide is about — it will give you the awareness needed to create a layer of protection around you. If you don’t do it, no one else will do it for you!
1. Your socks
Key takeaway: a little bit of an odd place to start — your socks. But I’m not kidding, don’t wear multi-colored socks. You’re not senior enough. This is probably the fastest route to clown-world.
Probably the biggest piece of advice I can give you is around your socks. Do not wear multi-colored, especially festive ones. If it’s Christmas then that’s when it is acceptable. You’ll look like a clown otherwise! The amount of people that do this is astonishing.
I’ll make a confession: even I’ve made the sin in the past. I once wore red socks with leaves printed on them. It gave the impression of Christmas socks, and I was wearing it in the summer! Don’t make contradictions like that.
I was in a meeting with two senior people in the business. We had a pretty serious conversation which involved arguing with another senior at our US office. The tense meeting ended without a resolution and we quietly walked out. One of them suddenly noticed my socks: ‘nice socks by the way’. I can assure you it wasn’t a compliment. Rather, it was the comedy which ensued a serious meeting. I had cut the tension with a knife, true clown style. He exposed me.
The only people who can wear multi-colored socks and not care is the big boss. You’ve got to have a superior level of seniority to have a chance of getting away with it. Someone like a Peter Jones, maybe? Well, most likely you’re not Peter Jones so don’t even try it! Peter can do what he wants. He’s a multi-millionaire with investments in so many innovative businesses.
Just to recap, you don’t want to be wearing socks like these. They’re not uncommon, I’ll admit that, but they’re not safe! Most people who freely wear these do not realize how much they stand out. It’s not that the socks per se look clownish — some senior folks pull it off well. It’s more the fact that they give off a bold signal which only really works if you have the gravitas to carry them. If you don’t have the gravitas, you’ll end up looking like a clown!
2. Making salutations
Key takeaway: Salut, Salut, Salut. Stop smiling so much. You look like you’re sucking up. No respect gained!
Don’t be that person who literally freezes when your boss walks past you, waiting for the perfect moment to catch eye contact and a big Salut! Stop it you clown. No one respects a person who bends backward to be nice. It doesn’t come across as genuine.
Say a nice and short hello, acknowledging your boss’ presence. Your juniors will also think you’re a loser. I certainly thought my boss was a loser for sucking up so much to his senior. In my early days, my line manager kept me on a tight leash. He instilled fear in me. A scary boss he was, until the big boss came for office visits and he’d turn into the smiling puppy. It wasn’t just me thinking that about him. One day while in conversation he said to me, ‘my development point for this year: stop smiling too much’.
3. Executive presence
Key takeaway: don’t go crazy with executive vocabulary if you’re a junior, or even someone who has been in the job a few years. They’ll want to execute you from your job for it. Rule of the game: impersonate only one-level above the ‘title’ you are at.
I’ll show you what I mean. Imagine the following corporate structure at company X: analyst (the most junior), associate, vice president (mid-level manager), director, and managing director (big boss). Always try and imitate one level above yourself, not two. So, if you’re an analyst, try and walk-and-talk like an associate. If you’re an analyst trying to impersonate a mid-level manager, they’ll just laugh at you, or worse, get offended at your unwarranted authority. Similarly, if you’re a fresh new associate, you’re not quite ready to act like a director. You need to instead act like a vice president. So don’t go crazy with executive phrases like, ‘I’m not going to accept…’ You’re not in a position to accept buddy! You’re going to have to take what comes at you.
4. Know your place in the queue
Key takeaway: most workplaces have a hierarchy system which you need to adhere to. Don’t try and jump the queue otherwise you’ll definitely be ‘popular’.
The Chief Executive is in town to visit your office. You’re such a charmer and want to make an impression with the boss. You approach him/her and have a great conversation. The Chief is super friendly and you build the courage to invite him/her to coffee. The Chief gladly accepts. How nice of them!
Don’t do this. Tone it down. Let me repeat, tone it down. You should realize, there are different types of people at work. Some of your managers or seniors may be introverts. Some of them may even be awkward with their bosses and thus take time to think of what to say to them. There’s nothing more annoying than a manager having their junior usurp them. Middle-management hates these types of scenarios. The big boss is of-course going to talk to you with a smile — that’s why they are the big boss. You usually find the top dogs come across very approachable to juniors.
I know a real-life example of a junior doing this to the CEO. The junior approached the CEO with confidence. 10-minute conversation. All good. The same day the junior’s boss got an earful, not the graduate. What’s worse is that the graduate never found out how obnoxious things can get behind the scenes.
Before we move onto the next section, I must emphasize that not all cultures are like this. It’s getting better. But if you’re working for one of the top financial institutions or law firms, do not be surprised.
5. To be or not to be a waiter
Key takeaway: don’t wear waistcoats at work, especially not with belts. It’s a little bit weird and over-dressed for the occasion.
My boss had a habit of wearing the full 3-piece: suit, trousers, and waistcoat. Waistcoats themselves aren’t the problem, it’s more the baggage they carry. Now, mind you, a waistcoat, with a sharp suit on can look amazing but to look that smart on a day-to-day basis is over-dressing for the occasion. Even worse, if you take your suit jacket off and walk around with just the waist-coat, someone is inevitably going to call you a waiter or a snooker player.
6. Belt buckles
Key takeaway: wear a simple belt. No logos, no letters, and certainly not skeleton faces.
The belt is usually very exposed, sitting right in the middle of your body. People will notice! Look at the picture below. Looks smart enough, but that H logo just isn’t cool.
I’ll tell you a little story. Back at college I always used to rock a skeleton belt. I was in my early 20s. I thought it made me stand out, and stand out it did, but for the wrong reasons. The belt had a rolling part in the middle which moved ever so slightly when I walked. It made a ‘ding… ding…’ sound like how bells do. It was a faint sound so it was easy to forget about. One day when I didn’t wear it, one of my female friends asked me why I had stopped. ‘Why do you ask?’, I say. ‘Oh, it was funny. When you walked with it, it always used to sound like a farm cow walking with a bell on its neck…’
Needless to say, the belt didn’t see the light of day again.
7. Dress-down days
Key takeaway: there is nothing to be won from dress-down days, except for winning undue attention. The best strategy is to be modest. Modesty always works.
Dress-down days can be a great way to socialize and to change the atmosphere in the office. No doubt about that. You should also dress down and go with the crowd. However, don’t treat it like a house party. I learned this rule the hard way. It’s not a place to go full-on ripped-jeans. Even worse is to wear dog tags. I’m not joking.
Some fool I know wore ripped jeans and a dog tag around his neck. Have to say, he looked cool but completely inappropriate for the occasion. That fool, unfortunately, was… me… years ago. Things were about to get worse for me. My manager took me to one side and asked me to ‘calm down’. Haha. That’s what he thought of me. He asked me to ‘calm down’ and I duly I dismissed him. He was obviously jealous since he looked stupid in his attire and was balding. Well, years later I realized he wasn’t jealous. He didn’t care. He was just being brutally honest. You see, some people can just see the clowns.
Here’s some high-level guidelines for you — but remember, you must make your own choice in how you dress. You need to feel comfortable too. It’s important.
Not recommended. Way too ‘out-there’. Need I say more? Too many things wrong here if you want to wear this at work. Logo-design based t-shirt. Oh, and those red sneakers.
So-so. In fairness, this is a good look, but those boots won’t work. You’ll just end up looking like a super-model and unless you don’t have the body to back it up, you’ll instead look like an idiot wannabe. Stay away from this as its risky.
Recommended: This is super boring. Dark jeans, dark t-shirt, dark shoes. Nothing here stands out. But you know what? This is probably the way your dull boss who has no fashion sense dresses. So it isn’t a bad idea going for this ‘dull’ look if you’re looking to blend in. Crazy as it sounds, I’d recommend this above the other two.
8. The tie
Key takeaway: this section is so important, I’m going to spend additional time on it so that you have the tools to nail it. The tie you wear and the way you wear it will give away a lot about you. It is so visible to others that you need to pay special attention to how you carry it.
Now, you’ll be lucky if your workplace has adopted a more relaxed dress code. This has been the case in the US and UK in recent years as financial corporates look to adopt the cooler tech. firm culture. But do watch out for the days in which you have to, say, go to a client meeting. The right kind of tie will have the right length, the right volume (width) and will be tied up to the neck without the top button of your shirt showing. Let’s go through each of the three criteria.
Knot style
You need to avoid looking like a schoolboy. Don’t do skinny knots, also known as a ‘four-in-hand’. It gives off a schoolboy image and you can usually see the button behind the tie. Instead, you want to do a fully shaped, triangular knot. That’s how to look professional. And, if you’re a junior, tying a symmetrical, triangular knot will show your subtle attention to detail. It’s very appropriate.
Not recommended. This is the type of tie knot you want to avoid. A skinny knot, formally known as a ‘four-in-hand’. It makes you look like a school-boy. Okay, so there is the nuance that the British Royal Family are known to often use this knot. However, there’s reason and tradition behind it. You’re not part of the Royal Family so your work colleagues will think you’re a school-boy, not a Royal. Don’t use it.
Recommended. This knot is a lot more symmetrical. Go for anything that looks more triangular and make sure the top button of the shirt doesn’t show. The ‘Windsor’ is a very popular style you can’t go wrong with.
Tie width
The width of your tie is very important. Lately, we’ve had a surge in people wearing skinny ties. If you must wear one I would recommend buttoning up your suit jacket so that you get a fuller look. Jacket buttons undone with a skinny tie makes you look like someone who just stepped out of college. You’ll look like you’re wearing a string instead of a tie. If you did step out of college, not doing it is a good way of sending out a signal that you’ve got a level of self-awareness. What you want is a normal-sized tie, without going overly wide, which will also make you look like a clown. Let’s see how the three styles look.
Not recommended. Skinny tie. The just-out-of-college look. Avoid it at all costs. Looks like you’re wearing a string, not a tie.
Recommended. A normal-width tie. More appropriate.
Tie length
This part is where you’ll truly qualify into the school of clown or not. You do not want to qualify. Possibly even more important than knot style and tie width is tie length. You can have your tie too short or too long. Both will make you look like a clown. The right length is a tie hanging just above your belt, or in line with it.
9. Huge mugs
Key takeaway: oversized mugs are a little odd, especially ones with a massive logo print over them.
Honestly, you don’t want to be the one constantly seen around gigantic Sports Direct mugs. It’s not a cool look. The thing about these mugs is they are disproportionately huge. No one makes mugs this big. If you were to fill the mug up you’d be drinking two servings. Even my wife won’t let me use it at home. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to pick out Sports Direct but we have one at work in the kitchen and any time anyone goes to use it, there’s always someone chuckling.
10. The shaved head
Key takeaway: unless you’re balding, you’ve got no reason to be adopting the bald look. The bald look is reserved for middle-aged men who have ‘made it’. Don’t steal their thunder!
Having a shaved head is a tricky one. For people that are naturally balding, it’s absolutely fine. It’s natural. For people that have hair, the shaved head look doesn’t look natural. Yes, I’ve also been guilty of it myself in my junior days. As one Managing Director aptly put it to me, ‘I like your shaved head mate… now all you need is a stud on your ear and you’ll look like a gangster. Ready to be fired’. Brutal stuff.
Shaved head — not recommended. If you go for a shaved head despite clearly not going bald, you might as well have a mickey mouse stamped to your head.
11. Annoying food habits
Key takeaway: people notice what you eat. You can have both extremes: the annoyingly healthy person, and the one who has a reputation for bringing in stinky food!
Jesus, let me live! Do I really need to now be worrying about what I eat? Unfortunately, yes!
The annoyingly healthy colleague
First, let me start with the annoyingly healthy colleague. Don’t laugh, but the most ridiculous diet I witnessed was a colleague habitually eating 3 pea-pods at work! T-H-R-E-E! This was a daily ritual. She didn’t ever deviate away from it. Now, I know some will bash me for not taking the time to understand whether it was a health-related diet, but trust me, she was absolutely fine! Three sets of pea-pods — I couldn’t get over it.
It’s none of your colleague’s business to mind what you eat, each to their own, but who are you kidding? Will 3 pea-pods really fill you up? A working adult who needs to apply their intelligence all-day? If anything, it looks unhealthy and is downright annoying. Peas, leaves, cabbage — all annoying.
Here you go. Have a carrot. Super healthy! It’ll contain all the nutrition you need to keep going all day. Or why not resort to 3 pea-pods?
The stereotypical colleague
You don’t want to be the Mexican guy who only ever eats burritos, or the Chinese who only ever has Chinese noodles. Or even the Indian who always has curry in the office. Remember, stereotyping is an easy way for people to filter the world around them. It makes it easier to box people into groups than to have to spend the energy getting to know them. If you follow the stereotype, it makes it very easy for them. Don’t make it that easy! Mix up your food choice a little.
The smelly colleague
Moving onto the biggest faux-pas: let’s talk about smelly food. Nothing quite makes me curl with disgust than the following: stinky fish, cabbage, too much egg, stinky cheese, egg and cress, and cheap pasta. Vinegar on salad can be quite a dangerous choice too.
The problem with eating smelly food is that the negative experience you give to colleagues isn’t going to stop once you finish the food. This is the type of thing that becomes a discussion topic while you’re not around. It sticks in memory. Well done, you’re one step closer to becoming the office clown!
12. Doing up your suit buttons
Key takeaway: this is an easy one. It’s a simple 3 step process.
Two buttons = just do the top button only. Three buttons = time for a new suit. Four buttons = this isn’t a suit. It’s a jacket. Lose it, now!
13. The sickie game
Key takeaway: Is it possible to control your health? Seems like in the office environment you’ve got to play your doctor visits very carefully.
Don’t be a martyr…
No one truly believes, or should I say cares, if you’ve got the flu. Don’t come in ready to spread germs. A common mistake people make is to run back into the office. It’s almost like a guilt in your mind that if you’re not at work you may be seen to be slacking off. So you come into office ready to show everyone what a martyr you are. An hour or two later you’re most likely heading back home anyway! You clown! What was the point of even coming in? Don’t go around saying bye to everyone. Just make a quiet exit. Most people likely will be too busy to even notice.
… but don’t be sick everyday
What’s worse though is if you come in late citing doctor visits as the reason. You probably just slept in, haha. It’s better to be 2–3 hours late than to be 30 minutes late. With the former, colleagues will wonder ‘why is he/she this late? Maybe they had to sort something out’. Being 30 minutes late is more of a ‘lazy ass’.
14. Your grammar and phrases
Key takeaway: the way you speak and the way you use words will tell a lot about you and your education.
Don’t misplace your apostrophes. Quick way of losing credibility.
Getting your vocabulary and grammar right makes you look sophisticated. The irony in all this is that you shouldn’t actually even be getting brownie points. We should have all learned grammar at school, damnit!
A common mistake people make is in misplacing the apostrophe. I see senior executives making the mistake even to this day. Back in my amateur days, it made me feel more confident in front of them, knowing that despite their seniority, they didn’t even know they were looking amateur.
Another place you’ll get caught out is if you use phrases in the wrong context or with the wrong spelling.
Let me demonstrate some common mistakes.
- Possession is demonstrated with an apostrophe. So for example, it’s John’s laptop, not Johns laptop. Trust me people will pick this up very quickly. Especially the snobbish and posh English types.
- Wet your appetite. It’s ‘whet’!
- ‘Do diligence’ is due diligence
- Should of, could of, would of. Stop using ‘of’. Its ‘have’. People also mistake off with of. It’s a minefield out there and that snobbish colleague of yours will pick it up and feel superior to you
- Nip it in the butt. Haha, it’s actually ‘bud’
- Don’t overuse words like ‘literally’ and ‘like’. I mean you need to literally stop using the same words over and over. Nothing makes you sound more like an illiterate than repetitive use of the same word like literally all the time.
15. Inspirational stickies
Key takeaway: stickies with inspirational quotes give the impression you’re super organized, and that’s why people dislike it.
Most people struggle with being organized. People’s daily to-do lists tend to become bloated and overwhelming because people just aren’t getting round to completing them. Today’s big item is still being procrastinated over. Gosh, nothing actually gets done. Many people just psych themselves out. They end up surfing the net to kill time, all the while becoming ever more frustrated for not completing their tasks. Just ask me, my hand automatically types ‘bbc.com’ when I am procrastinating. I’m not joking here. I also frequently type in ‘american football newsnow’. It’s a subconscious thing. If I am struggling to get work done I revert to subconscious routines such as checking out news on my favourite sport, or reading the BBC website for news fluff. Stuff that won’t actually help me get my work done.
A lot of people fall into similar rituals. So, it’s very annoying to see the office clown with super-inspirational stickies and wallpaper backgrounds urging themselves to keep pushing through. No one likes someone who is too ‘happy’. It hurts them. As much as I hate to say it, don’t be overly happy and don’t appear to be super-inspired. Keep it to yourself!
Typical inspirational quote. I’m already sleep-deprived! How much less sleep do you expect me to get?!
16. Pick your jokes carefully
Key takeaway: there’s a blurry line between funny jokes and irritating ones. If you aren’t careful, you may even come across harassing. Beware!
While funny jokes and humour in general can endear you to your colleagues, it can also offend people. A survey at Marshall University in West Virginia found that two of the most common jokes in the workplace are related to someone’s age or weight. Other topics include clothing, level of competence, relationship status, and social status.
Bosses — take note, you could also get into trouble. Another study of 400 employees at companies in the US and China found that bosses making humor with their team can have both positive and negative consequences. The obvious positive is in increasing morale, but the negatives gave rise to unintended consequences, including an increased perception that questionable conduct at work is acceptable.
17. Being in charge of social events
Key takeaway: This is a great way to (unfortunately) contradict yourself. Don’t be the first person at the bar if you don’t actually do any serious work.
There’s usually one or two people that run the social calendar at most offices. They’ll book events such as team visits to the bar, or even setting up cool events such as escape rooms. A lot of the communication will involve email exchanges giving the team instructions on where to go, how many people are coming and all other information about the event. Super organised and ‘in-control’ stuff.
This is all well and fine if you aren’t the office bum, because if you are, no one is taking you seriously. Your reputation will be limited to sorting out social events. We had someone like that at work. Over the years that person’s skillset got increasingly irrelevant to the point where they became the one who would fix the lights or call the plumber to address the broken toilets. Their many years of service got them through at work, until a new boss came in and was quite critical of them. On the one hand, this person would look super busy, but on the other hand, they wouldn’t really get anything done until it came to social time in which case they were the first one to the bar with beverage in the hand.
18. Reply all
Key takeaway: don’t include everyone in your email conversations!
There’s always a clown, or a team of clowns that love to cc the entire office in their email exchanges. I’ve seen it at pretty much every firm I’ve ever worked at. Very frequently it comes out of a group involved in operations. Something is broken, or a payment is delayed. Suddenly, the firm’s email alias (which includes all employees) gets included in. What? Like, what? Why? A bitter exchange of emails then ensues, at which point someone has to step in to address the clowns and tell them to remove the firm so that they can continue their conversation in private. Now, wait for it, guess what the next response is? Ha! You’ve guessed it! They reply (with the whole firm still cc’d) that they’re happy to now remove everyone off the email chain. Bunch of clowns. Someone else will then reply with a thank you, and sigh, the chain continues.
19. Loud habits
Key takeaway: want to get noticed, for the wrong reasons? Then, go ahead, get noticed!
Toe-tapping, pencil drumming, finger cracking, humming. You name it. Really annoying habits that people resent. Watching YouTube videos on loud and banging the table when you are frustrated — two more examples of the nutcase at work. Your mobile phone pings all day with notifications, you clear your throat multiple times, you sneeze way too much, you cough a lot, you laugh too much, you’re always up having a deep conversation with a colleague. When are you actually working? You have your headphones plugged into the computer with Spotify on, but it’s a tad too loud and everyone knows you’ve got the Backstreet Boys on. You’re typing ferociously, one key tap at a time (like my old boss). You eat too loudly, you sniff all day long.
You’re driving people crazy. In fact, I’m getting stressed just writing about it.
20. Walking barefooted
Key takeaway: stop taking off your shoes. What if your socks have a hole in them?
It’s not a problem to take off your shoes underneath your desk. There may well be a valid reason, such as painful shoes! But don’t walk around the office just in your socks. Stop treating it like it is home. This is dangerous territory for two reasons: what if you have a hole in your socks that you didn’t notice? You’ll look like a fool. Or worse, what if your feet stink? A colleague of mine once got into disciplinary action for walking around barefooted too often. What made the whole situation even funnier was the multi-colored socks that she’d frequently wear. It was just weird.
21. Making tea and coffee
Key takeaway: you give a lot away about your class when you show your tea and coffee making skills in a meeting.
Imagine this. You’ve been working hard for ages to get that client into your office for a meeting. Lots of emails back and forth. You book a nice conference room to have the meeting. You order tea, coffee, and biscuit. This is just standard practice. It’s office etiquette. You have to show your guest respect.
When they come in, stand up and greet them. Don’t shake their hands whilst sitting on a chair. Regardless of how senior you are, always stand up and shake their hand, even if you’re interviewing a junior, for example.
Now, the classiest thing you can do is to get them seated and offer them tea or coffee. Yes, offer them, don’t leave them to do it themselves. I used to observe my seniors and they’d always be courteous enough to offer.
What got me really uncomfortable earlier in my career was that I knew I had to do this, but I didn’t actually know how to make tea and coffee. You see, office tea and coffee is made slightly differently to how you might do it at home. They put the liquid coffee in one mug, then milk in another. Sometimes the mugs look similar.
You first pour coffee half-way or three-quarters of the way up. Then you pour milk the rest of the way up. Don’t, I repeat, don’t spill anything at this point. The next part is critical. Make sure the cup has a saucer to stand on. Never give a cup of tea or coffee without the saucer. If you don’t have a saucer available, someone needs to remember to supply it next time!
Now ask your guest whether they’d like sugar or not. Put it in. Then leave a small spoon on the saucer and hand it to them.
Why did I even bother putting this in? Seems trivial right? Well actually, I couldn’t do it. I have no idea why. And I had 4 colleagues tell me they also felt awkward as they weren’t sure whether to offer tea or whether to let the guest do it themselves.
22. Pinstripe suits and arm patches
Key takeaway: pinstripe suits, check-jackets and arm patches — the staple ‘mature man’ attire.
What comes to your mind when you think of someone wearing a pinstripe suit? A rich stockbroker? An evil finance villain? And what comes to your mind when you think of a slick, ‘grey-hair-combed-backward’ fellow who likes to wear beige trousers and a check-coat with a patch on the back? The point I’m making is that unless you fit the descriptions above, it’s very rare you’re going to be able to pull off such styles.
What’s embarrassing is that some of the local high-street stores try and mimic these styles for the younger generation, often getting them horribly wrong (H&M?). The most horrendous example I saw was of a filthy, slightly shiny polyester coat with a patch on the underside of the arm. It looked like the work of a cheap, high-volume machine, rather than being carefully hand-crafted, which the real-deal looks like.
My advice here is simple. Avoid this look unless you have ‘made it’. Simple rule. There should be no confusion.
23. Goody two-shoes
Key takeaway: working early, working late, working so fast, you just don’t wait. Don’t advance by making others look bad.
Just remember, your colleague has a family. A kid to feed. A wife or husband to attend to. Stop making them look so bad.
Young starry-eyed employees have a point to prove. They’ll do it at the expense of the colleague who has to leave at 5 pm on the dot to pick up their child from playschool.
I remember a friend who had his own trick in his junior days. He would leave his coat wrapped up behind his chair overnight. So whenever the boss walked in during the morning, of-course, he appeared to be the first one in. When he did eventually turn up, he’d have coffee in his hand and frequently a notepad with him, giving the impression he was just back from a meeting. A hard-working, honest and diligent young employee. Surely deserves a promotion.
He got caught in due course, of-course.
24. Lollapalooza effect with the toilets
Key takeaway: when more than one faux-pas works against you, very quickly you become the source of all problems.
There’s a very special, and very self-aware person called Charlie Munger. He’s the long-time business partner of Warren Buffett at Berkshire Hathaway, one of the world’s leading investment firms. Charlie is one of the great thinkers of the modern era and has inspired a new group of thinkers who like to study patterns in life to develop ‘mental models’. Part of this process involves understanding human biases, and there are many of them. These biases cloud people’s vision, often resulting in bad decisions.
The point I’m making here is, you, don’t want to be lollapalooza’d on, if I can make such a word up. You don’t want to be the person that gets the blame because people no longer give you the benefit of the doubt.
The worst possible, and most degrading example of this, one which I have seen with my own eyes, is of a colleague getting the blame for a toilet being left in poor condition. It all started with a note at the front of the toilet, ‘this toilet has been reported to have been left in a poor state. Please flush after you finish’. Someone eventually scribbled out the poor and replaced it with ‘devastating’. People found it funny. Rumour was that it had to be Martin (not the real name). Martin was guilty of so many of the faux pas described in this guide. There was no evidence, but the lollapalooza effect had taken place. People were so used to him creating a mess. He didn’t do himself any favors.
Summary
So that brings us to the end of our guide. There’s a lot of content for you to grasp. It’s unfair, really. There’s too much to focus on. Unfortunately, your colleague’s subconscious brain picks all of this up so you’re up against it. The brain really is an evil and powerful thing. As you practice self-awareness, over time you’ll overcome obstacles without thinking about them. That’s what you call ‘maturity’.
The only question that now remains is whether you’re ready to instil this knowledge. The knowledge is out there.
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