How to be productive, according to every Medium writer.
These ideas totally work. Really.
Wake up at five sharp everyday. No wait, make that four. Skip the morning coffee, because I say so. Feeling miserable, tired and depressed? Perfect. That’s how you should feel until you get used to it or until another listicle on Medium convinces you otherwise.
Why should you trust me, you ask? Well, partly because this article is trending, and partly because you know you’ll give at least one advice here a shot anyway. So we’ve got this sorted.
Alright, here are tips that will change your life and double your productivity. Maybe.
Say your name backwards three times before every other meeting at work. Oh wait, screw meetings. If Elon says so, it must be right. Everything Elon says is right.
Eat a raw avocado unpeeled on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Blend three quarters of a dragon fruit on the other days. Can’t afford it? Time to cancel Prime and Spotify and buck up.
Quit using that reminders app. Remembering is for plebians. Over here we are cyborgs, and on Medium it is shameful to admit that you are normal. Drop all the errands you have and start thinking about building that rocket ship. Because passion is important.
Can’t fall asleep at night? Gently balance one of your avocados on your forehead until you become unconscious or until the fruit rolls away and down your staircase. You will get frustrated and maybe you will think about work stuff again.
Tired and unable to find passion? It’s because your passion is wrong. Oh wait, maybe it’s because doing nothing at all is okay or that laziness does not really exist. Whatever. I don’t know.
Do you hate your coworkers? Fantastic. Channel that energy into your work and surprise your boss at your next performance appraisal. Oh wait, actual employment is looked down upon here so I suggest you quit and write a blog. Only then will you have the time for that emotional support cat everyone here talks about.
Over here at Medium, writers are extremely passionate about productivity. That’s why your homepage has 30 articles about it, each with increasingly absurd suggestions.
I’m calling my system the Nirvana Doctrine. Because it sounds cool. Also because you’ll believe it.
I applaud you for taking your first step with the Nirvana Doctrine.
Found this funny? Follow me on Medium and check out my popular articles below! Please 👏 this article to share it!
This story is published in The Startup, Medium’s largest entrepreneurship publication followed by 338,320+ people.
Subscribe to receive our top stories here.
