How To Even…Flirt

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Loneliness, amirite? The crushing ache that supplants one’s will to live and forces us into silly moves like hoping someday it might get better. There’s a Greek myth that people were originally made with four arms, four legs, two heads, etc. Because the gods are assholes, they split us into two discrete beings, which leaves us to spend our lives looking for our missing halves. One can’t help but ask what kind of jake-legged horseshit is this? Who knew the gods were like your cousin Wendell who used to tie you up with dental floss and make you eat ants? (No? Just us? Moving on…) Unfortunately, we have little choice in the matter. We get lonesome, and nothing will help but entering into relationships that teach us the true meaning of loneliness.

But how to even get to that point? First, you’ve got to find someone who doesn’t run away screaming at the mere sight of you. GOOD LUCK. Then, you’ve got to let them know you maybe kind of sort of DESPERATELY like-like them. But how?!

Presents

We can learn a lot from the animal kingdom. Cats, for example, bring gifts of murdered rodents to their owners. Everybody likes cats, right? They’re like 62% of the internet. So, why not try the same thing? Bringing a dead rat to someone you’re interested in shows them that you’re a good provider and hunter. They won’t have to…