How To Even…Read A Map

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Technology is great and everything but you know what’s even better? Feeling superior. And nothing makes a person feel superior like knowing how to do something nobody else gives a shit about. There are plenty of esoteric things like spelling or empathy that most people have forgotten or never learned how to do. Today, we’re going to focus on map reading.

Paper maps will always be the most accurate way to navigate because, like the Earth, they are flat, and, like the Earth, they’re made of paper and are hard to fold.

First, we must assume that the Illuminati have gotten to the mapmakers.

Even if they haven’t, mapmakers are notoriously slapdash in their work. Do you think that mapmakers travel the world, investigating the places they’re mapping in order to ensure accuracy? Really? Have you met people? Nah. They’re just slapping some stuff down and calling it a day so they can hit the bar before happy hour ends. Look at the names of places, for example. Who would ever name a place Dubuque? Seriously. Somebody made that up. If anybody asked, they said it came from an American Indian word for asparagus or something, but they made it…