How to Make A Big Life Decision
When you need to move from indecision to commitment.
2018 was my year of making a decision and commitment. My dilemma was one about where to live: stay in Norway with my partner, move to Uganda where my work was, or move back to California to be closer to my family and roots.
It was a tricky decision to make and I was avoiding it. I was floating between places- not here and not there.
“Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful.” — Paulo Coelho
Not making a decision was painful, not only for me, but for my relationships, career, and overall ability to move forward.
So, I took the step to do everything I could to decide, including staying in Uganda for 4.5 months and California for two months to see how I felt in each place. However, being in the places on their own did not provide me with an answer. One day, I would think I found the answer, only to wake up the next day missing something from another place.
I knew that I had to try different methods to make the choice. I tried seemingly everything I could think of — from seeing both a therapist and a coach to making an Excel sheet based on a decision-making tool.
Through all the different methods, I found the following practices to be the most helpful in making this “big” decision. I hope that they will also help you:
Journal
I started to journal again. I wrote in a Word document on my computer and just let whatever words wanted to come out, to come out. It not only gave me a way to process what was going on, but I was able to later look back on how I felt during previous parts of the year.
Try writing for 5–10 minutes a day on your computer or the old-fashioned way with pen and paper. I prefer writing in the morning after meditation, but you can find the time that feels most natural to you.
Let the words flow out with no judgement and no expectation.
Connect to Your Body
I believe strongly that our body has infinite wisdom if we can tap into its energy. When I was in each place, I checked in with my body regularly to see how it felt. Was my stomach cramping and my head foggy from stress, or did I feel completely relaxed and at ease?
Take a rest from the day to lay down or sit in a comfortable position. Close your eyes and breathe deeply to connect to your body.
Notice how you feel and give the feeling a name.
Ignore Advice
Everyone has an opinion about your life decision, usually based on the decisions they have made in their own life and their unique set of values.
Remember, you are the one that will ultimately have to live with the results of your decision.
No one will ever know your full past, present, and future and therefore, no one should be making a huge life decision for you, no matter how desperate you are for an easy way out of decision-making.
Resist as much as possible asking others for advice and bringing them into your decision-making process.
When someone gives you unsolicited advice, thank them, but let it go. If your ultimate decision upsets other people, that is their baggage not yours. Your responsibility is owning your choice and your happiness. Listen to yourself, your body, and your highest values to know what is ultimately best for you.
Give It Time, Patience, and Gentleness
One of my favorite sayings in Norwegian is ‘Ting Tar Tid’- things take time. Making a major life decision is one of those things in life that takes time. It can’t be rushed. Have faith that the answer will come to you when it is time.
Be gentle with yourself and embrace this time, as difficult as it is. You will arrive at the decision when it is time- after a dream, in the shower, while reading a book. You can’t predict that moment when it clicks and the decision becomes clear to you, but you can be patient, gentle, and compassionate with yourself along the way.
Know that You Can Always Change Your Mind
Ironically, this realization allowed me to let go of the stress and fear of making one decision and having to stick with it for the rest of my life. I felt more freedom when I realized that I could choose what feels best for me now and change my mind at any time in the future.
These tools allowed me to finally make the big life choice that would give me peace of mind. I decided to stay in Norway with my partner after almost losing the relationship and learning that this relationship was extremely important to me and my happiness.
By making the decision, we were able to move on with our lives together, move into a new home, get a dog together, and plan our future together. Of course, I still have days when I question my decision, but it usually only lasts for a few hours and I remember why I decided this in the first place. And if I ever change my mind, that will be ok too!
When you are in the throws of decision-making, I hope these tools can help you move forward and commit to your future self because:
If you don’t know where you are going, any road will take you there.
