How to really get someone else to change.

If you really think you know what’s best for them — this is the only thing you can do.

We’ve all been there. We hear a friend complaining, going through something, or doing something that we don’t approve of. And our first instinct is to tell them what to do. To fix their problem for them, to assume we know what’s best for them.

And maybe we do. Maybe we’ve been through the same muck they’re going through and can see things they don’t see.

But does that mean we SHOULD be telling them how we think they should fix their problem?

I think back to my less aware days; about all the work I’ve put in to gain the level of self-awareness that I have. And when I look back at what really made me want to change, it was never someone else telling me what they thought I should do.

It was me deciding I was done causing myself pain in the same way over and over again. And then finding professional help that I trusted.

Sure I’d confide in friends for support, but if they told me I should do something I almost never listened to them. Only if I knew they were a few steps ahead of me on the exact path I was wanting to walk down. Even then it was only when I asked for help that I’d listen.

So why would I expect someone else to act any different?

And as I grow and learn, and help others now professionally, I still get caught up in trying to help people who have not come to me (or have paid me) for my knowledge on self-awareness. Maybe it’s a friend complaining about her dating life. Or a friend OF a friend who’s acting in a questionable manner. Yet I still catch myself pretending like I know exactly what’s wrong with them and what they should do.

But I don’t know.

And the hard reality is if I could help them…they’d probably be coming to me for help.

Maybe I wouldn’t resonate with them. Maybe I’d talk over their head. Maybe I’m trying to insert myself in a way that wouldn’t actually benefit them. Maybe they’re taking baby steps when I’d be pushing for Mt. Everest. Maybe I subconsciously remind them of their sister, whom they hate. I don’t know.

Wanting to help someone else is sometimes more about your own ego than really helping the other person.

Because it’s not something to take personally; you can’t expect to resonate with every person on the planet. It’s a hard hit for the ego….knowing not everyone is going to want to listen to you…but it’s the truth.

The best you can do, and what they probably really need, is just to listen to them. Tell them you’re there for them and validate how they feel.

And then go on living your life exactly how you want to live it, growing more and more on your own authentic path.

Because that’s the real way have an effect on people.

I’ve noticed it’s only when I’m living authentically and speaking about what’s right for me that it resonates with people.

The moments I DON’T expect to be impactful people end up hearing the most.

When you worry/think about things you have no control over, you’re taking precious time and mental energy from what you could be doing to propel your own self forward.

· “I wish my mother would understand me”

· “My partner needs to go to therapy”

· “I can’t believe my friend is falling for the same loser guy again”

· “My boss doesn’t want to understand my perspective”

Any thoughts spent on how you wish someone would do something they aren’t doing is a massive waste of time. You can’t make anyone do anything.

And your fixation on someone else is more of a reflection of you than the other person.

Are you projecting with your judgment? Because anytime a person says their partner needs therapy certainly needs it themselves. Are you only comfortable in the “fixer” role? Was that a role placed on you, or was it modeled to you by a caregiver?

My current mantra when I catch myself doing this is just, “worry about yourself.” Simple and to the point.

Because it’s not my job to fix every person I come in contact with. I have to trust and hope they find the help they need when it’s right for them. If it’s someone close to me I’ll make a suggestion or two with absolutely no expectation if they’ll actually taking me up on it. Then I go back to doing me.

Because the best way to get someone to change is for them to see you actually changing.

The best medicine is in doing, not talking.