How To Refocus Your Life When You Feel Lost
Sometimes I need to recalibrate my life. Time tends to have a nasty habit of getting away from me, and after operating on autopilot for brief periods, I slump back in a harrowing realisation that I’m not sure where I’m headed, or where I want to go.
I’m sure it is something that many people can relate to. It’s easy to get lost in the day to day tasks. We get consumed in work, life admin, and making sure we have enough food in the house for dinner.
I suppose it is why we all secretly love being busy. When we are endlessly browsing our phones, or constantly looking for something to do, our minds are too busy to tell us about anything important. How am I feeling about this latest piece of bad news? How am I supposed to know, I’ve been far too busy to even think about it!
I’m stressed out and frustrated with my work life, and I feel like breaking down! But I need to organise my cupboards and put the recycling out, so I can’t think about it now!
It’s fashionable to glorify being busy — we brag about how busy we are.
When we slow down, or heavens above, stop for a minute, we begin to process our unhappy thoughts and our worries about the future.
My last month has been filled with revision, exams, work, university, and Christmas. Today has been the first day in a long time where I haven’t had to socialise with anyone, I haven’t had to learn anything, and I haven’t had anything that I’ve needed to do (other than the washing, which I’m now continuously glancing over at as the washing machine keeps spontaneously losing power.. ).
Anyone who knows me well will know that I am a very emotional person. I let my emotions sway me and everything in my life gets affected. Even my training goes out of the window when I have something on my mind.
I begin to question everything and invariably I feel lost. I lose track of where I’m going and I begin to worry whether I even know where I want to go.
But how do you deal with it?
There are certain things that I do when I am feeling lost that provide me with some comfort. They are methods that I have stumbled upon throughout the years in my search for some comfort. I have scoured self help websites and well-being sites, and they are always a great tool to fall back on to guide me and help me out when I’m feeling stuck. Hopefully, they will help you too.
As I’m feeling a little lost right now, I figured it would be fun to walk through the steps together with you.
Think of it as a look inside my head, a method to help you out, and a bonding experience — what more could you ask for?!
Step 1 — Your Dream Life
Get out a pen and paper.
I want you to tell me about your perfect day. Describe it to me in as much detail as possible, keeping in mind that for the point of this exercise it has to be a day that can happen on more than one occasion. This will stop you from saying your perfect day is the day you get married or win the lottery. I want you to think about what you would do AFTER you’ve won the lottery, but have now got used to the money and living that care free life.
Nothing is out of limits, and don’t think about how much this day would cost you either. I want you to let your mind go wild.
Think about your past, what days have filled you with the most joy? When have you felt as though you’ve been in a blissful flow, and when time has stood still?
Don’t leave out any details either. Tell me where you are, the smells, the temperature, who you are with, how you feel; the more detail the better.
Keep in mind that you may have more than one perfect day. You may decide that your perfect day would be being on a film set in some faraway exotic country. You go to a five-star hotel and chill until the next day.
Another perfect day could be living the day of a professional footballer. You wake up and go for a run, go to training, play a match, etc.
The important bit is that you are as honest as possible and you get it out on the paper. There is no pressure, no wrong answer.
And if you are struggling for inspiration, or are still confused as to what the hell I mean, here’s my perfect day:
Morning
I wake up in a nice large bed, without the use of an alarm clock. I’m in my bed, in a large minimalistic bedroom. There’s a lot of neutral colours, lots of white. There are some books, some plants, and a large floor to ceiling window at the end of the room. The window looks out into the countryside. There is a body of water of some kind, I’m not sure if it’s in the distance, whether it’s overlooking a bay of some kind, or maybe I have a pool. I just like the thought of there being water close by.
There’s also plenty of nature on display. I’ve never enjoyed living in built-up areas, and I’d love to live somewhere where I am surrounded by nature. I can’t decide whether there are lots of greens, or a splattering of white and greys as the trees are topped with snow — I do know that it’s certainly not hot. I love a nice crisp morning, and hate being warm, so somewhere on the cooler side would be ideal.
I wake up next to my girlfriend/wife, and I wake up feeling fresh and rejuvenated — can you imagine that?!
I go downstairs and do some light activity. Something like some yoga, or maybe even a swim. Possibly even a walk with my dog. I would definitely have a dog. This is followed up by something exotic and healthy to drink and/or eat. Maybe a homemade juice or something similar.
I’m strangely productive in the mornings, and so I’d like to think that I’d spend the next block of my day reading or working on something. It’s when I have the best ideas — perhaps it’s when my brain hasn’t had time to start to doubt itself or start to abide by societal judgments and so it doesn’t filter out the more extreme ideas.
I’ve always wanted to create an all-encompassing brand that pulls together my interests and beliefs and is curated by a community for the better of everyone involved. We’d collectively work on making a difference in the world. It would be built upon principles and the idea that everyone can be the hero that they need in the world. It would encompass empathy and promote health, fitness, and kindness. I want to create a community where people feel empowered. I listen to electronic music, and I tend to find it boring if it doesn’t move me. I want to feel moved, and I want to be inspired. I want to be able to make people feel like that. Woke Fitness anyone?
Afternoon
I’d settle in for some lunch and I’d have it with my girlfriend/wife. We’d have something homemade, and healthy. I really enjoy tasty food, but I’m also very content to have bland, easy, and simple food if it gets the job done. In a perfect life, I’d like to make sure that my meals would be nutritious and healthy. I’d ensure that there would be lots of fruits and vegetables, and there would be cuisine from all over the world. I’d also like to be vegan. I am vegetarian now, and rightly or wrongly, I feel as though going vegan would require a lot more effort. Being vegetarian is no trouble at all. Being vegan, I feel, would be a more difficult step.
We’d then go and do something together, like a walk or some other physical activity. Nothing too strenuous, but hard enough to keep the heart beating whilst enjoying each other’s company.
I will never not be able to go to the gym.
I adore training. I think I’d love to be able to split my time between training at a home gym, and a local gym. The gym where I currently train feels like a family and it has such a lovely community vibe. I wouldn’t ever be able to give that up. I’d continue training for weightlifting, but I would mix it up now and then and just train for the enjoyment. I will be stress-free and not sleep deprived so I’d be able to recover a lot quicker.
On my off days, I’d like to mix things up. Perhaps some days I’ll spend time daydreaming and writing, others I’ll go and snowboard (I guess I do need the snow), perhaps my partner and I will go off on a little adventure, and maybe others I’ll spend more time working on my community.
I suppose the common theme is that I would do some physical activity, even on “rest” days. I’d love to live a more active life and not be limited to my time in the gym.
Evening
Again, I would need a gorgeous, homemade vegan delicacy at dinner time. Nothing too big or fancy, but damn it would be tasty.
Now and then we would host our friends or family, but mostly it will be just us.
I’d love to be able to spend more time with my partner, and I feel like the evenings would be a perfect time to settle down and enjoy a movie. I love stories, and I love being made to feel things. I think we love stories and songs so much because we get to experience scenarios and emotions we wouldn’t normally get to feel, or because they portray certain emotions in such a way that we can better make sense of them.
Alternatively, we might want to work on our separate things. She may want to watch something on TV, and I may prefer to give it a miss. Maybe I’ll be productive and come with ideas for my community or writing.
Maybe I’ll go off exploring with my partner or we’ll spend the afternoon watching Netflix? Maybe I’ll work on any fitness goals (more exercise yes!), maybe I would have a quick game on my PC with friends?
I’d stay up until I felt tired enough to go to sleep, and I’d make my way to bed.
Step 2 — What does it mean?
After you have worked your way through your perfect day, you are ready to see what it all means. Again, stay relaxed. This isn’t a test, and there is no right or wrong answer! Whenever I do this exercise my answer tends to change — although you will find that the more you do it you may converge on the same central themes.
What you have just written is a treasure trove of clues as to what you should focus on and what you should do with your life.
Start wide, and then narrow it down.
From my perfect day we can see:
- I want to lead a more active life
- I want the freedom to be able to choose what I do and when I do it
- I want to eat healthier
- I want to live away from built-up areas
- Spending time with loved ones is important to me
- I want to work on something meaningful and bigger than myself
If I wanted to, I could narrow everything further:
- I want to do more exercise, and I want it to be varied and part of my everyday life
- I need to work for myself so that I can choose my own hours
- Money isn’t all that important to me
- I want to eat a vegan diet
- I want to build a community based on empathy, fitness, inspiration, emotions, and empowerment
- I want to spend more time with loved ones
Perhaps the most intriguing point you can take from this exercise, is what your day doesn’t include. After all, a large part of knowing what you want to do is knowing what you don’t want to do.
My perfect day above doesn’t include any TV, or social media. It begs the question therefore, why do I include them in my days now?
What activities have you not included in your perfect day, that you are currently spending too much time doing?
Step 3 — implement for the present
If your perfect day doesn’t include any TV or social media, why waste time on it now?
It may seem like such an obvious epiphany, don’t do the things that we don’t actually want to do, but they are tricky habits to get out of. They are habits that are worth breaking though.
Replace them with activities that you have written down from your perfect day.
Okay so it’ll be hard to swap “watching TV” with “sailing my yacht” (unless you do presently have a yacht), but focus on the themes that you pulled out from your day.
For example, I could get a membership at the local leisure center and go for a swim every other day before work.
I could cut dairy from my diet.
I could look to rent further from the city.
I could start a movie night with my partner.
I could learn to cook better.
I could start building my community.
Nothing is stopping you from living your perfect day, in a fleshed-out, introductory way. Obviously the more flamboyant your perfect day is, the more you’re going to have to pull out and implement themes, but the principle still stands.
Even if your day contains elements that may be forever out of reach — if you’re 50 and your perfect day includes being a premiership footballer, this may apply to you — that doesn’t mean you can’t pull out the themes and implement it now.
Using the above as an example, think about why you included that in the first place. Is it because you’d love to be able to play football? If so, join a local team, play 5-aside. Is it because you just love football so much? Join a supporters club, do a coaching badge, manage a local kids team; there are opportunities all around you.
If you wanted to be in a huge blockbuster movie, but you aren’t taking acting classes or taking part in any activity relating to acting, what is really holding you back?
If your perfect day contains activities that you don’t currently do, but have the power to do them now; go out and do them.
If your perfect day does not contain activities that you do currently do, but don’t need to, don’t do them.
Step 4 — plan for the future
Invariably your perfect day will contain elements that are currently out of reach.
That’s okay, that’s why we are doing this exercise. We need to know where we’d like to end up before we start our journey. It would be a fruitless task leaving the house at 8 am without knowing where you’re going. You’d wander, get cold, maybe smile at a dog, get hungry, look for a shop, get bored, then make your way home. If your original purpose was to buy groceries, you’d have wasted a day.
Something that we pulled out of my perfect day was that I need to work for myself.
I can’t currently just pack up work and start earning a living off my own back. Trust me, if I could and didn’t have to repay my employer £12k (a story for another day), then I would.
It does, however, provide me with an endpoint of what to aim for. If I want to be self-employed I need to start working on ways to make that work.
I also want to build a community. I can’t click my fingers and make it happen, so I need to plan on how I’m going to make it become my reality, and then go and make it happen.
If you want to be the lead guitarist in a band, but can’t play the guitar, then start learning to play the guitar.
You have now, maybe for the first time, set out what you want from life. It may not be as exciting or flashy as you may have initially thought, and that may make you feel a bit flat. It may, however, make you feel liberated. The truth is that we aren’t all money orientated. We tend to want the same things: love, health, security, and freedom.
We’ve been told that we need physical items and constant stimulation to be happy, and yet the truth is much closer to home. The system we all contribute to relies on our unhappiness and our obedience to go out and keep the corporate wheel spinning.
Most of our dreams align and once that is known, we can spend our free time contributing to society in ways that suit us best.
With the advent of artificial intelligence and machinery, even the need for low-cost labour is reducing, and yet rather than seeing a decrease in the amount of time we work we are spending more time sitting in the office.
The gap between the wealthy and the poor grows larger every year and it is time that we work, collectively, on changing the system.
We can start by working on ourselves and creating the lives that we desire.
I’d be very interested in finding out what you wrote down for your perfect day and what you have learned about what you want and don’t want in your life.
If you are having problems pulling out themes, or are struggling to get a grip of what your perfect day would look like it what to do next, please get in contact here.
Final thoughts
Your perfect day might seem out of reach or a long way away. What is important now is that you embrace and enjoy the process.
We do not dance to music to see how quickly we can come to the end, we dance to enjoy the ups and the downs.
Go out there and smash your dance.
