wrong scale, kunal v18.2.11

how to ruin your relationships like a pro

and your writing, reading books— basically almost everything

Hi Kunal v18.2.11,

This is Kunal v18.2.20, the latest update.

As is customary after major firmware level-ups, I’ve traveled back in time to come here and tell you just how much of a little dipshit you’ve been. This is mostly about your obsession with what’s-the-ROI-ing the fuck out of every facet in your life, and why I think that makes you really stupid. There’s also a couple things about our views on oatmeal, more on that later.

ROI = Return on Investment

Ok so let’s see how this obsession started, alright? You were super productive. I respect that. You were also proactive about how your time is spent, distributing it among different tasks in that 3-sheet excel document with pie charts and everything — again, much respect. I still find that very useful, and word is that it will be carried forward to the next update as well.

While your contributions towards prioritizing + time allocation have been objectively remarkable for our firmware, the scope of that excel document is what was really causing us troubles. Don’t know if you’ve been checking your error reports, but here’s a complaint we’ve been receiving repeatedly from your fellow humans. They don’t seem very happy.

error report #84. most of the other complaints were along the same lines (except a couple about you trying to pull off a beard. seriously?)

Now, since you’re a dick in general, the reports didn’t give us much to work with while finding the root of this problem. It could be attributed to any of the 28 million major bugs still in our firmware. So we hit up Facebook to get more details on the dynamic you have with your humans, and they pinpointed the source of the problem with remarkable accuracy.

(Also, about the milk-boiling fetish: they know)

It is as I mentioned in the beginning. You started to look for a great ROI in every single thing you did in your life. Every aspect of life became a game of efficiency and returns for you. While that is okay with certain aspects of life such as nothing, you fucking idiot. Nothing is all about efficiency and returns. You can’t always see the world through your economics book.

We checked the algorithms you had in place for dealing with human relationships. Honestly, I have no idea how you even managed to get out of beta. This is probably the shittiest piece of code to ever have come out of our mind. Yes, even worse than that text-to-binary converter you made in sixth grade in which you used over 12,000 lines of nested if-then constructs because you didn’t know you could do it in like 20 lines with a for loop.

void allocateTime(Human human){

priority = human.usefulness()/10; //usefulness ranges from 0 to 10
timeAllocated = priority*60;      //time in minutes 

I know this will be hard to hear, but you’ve brought shame upon the entire repository with this blunder. Yeah, I know. That hurts. Takes a while to digest. Not only did we have to revamp your stupid algorithm, we also had to run like 37 instances of the SocialMessCleaner thread simultaneously for all of your humans. Do you have any idea how mentally exhausting those bad boys are?

All of this because you tried to deal with the most complex mammal sub-classes using a dumb little algorithm. That’s like trying to measure the intensity of light using a ruler. (I’m aware this wasn’t the perfect comparison, analogies will be improved in the upcoming update) Anyway, the point is that you’re a moron for not realizing that human relationships are more about effectiveness than they are about ROI and efficiency.

While digging into the issue, we found that you’ve used similar, efficiency-and-ROI-obsessed algorithms to many other aspects as well. How can your puny firmware conjecture that writing is more about efficiency than effectiveness? And what the hell made you think that how many books you read in a year is more important than how much value you derive out of them?

Seriously, did you hire an accountant to write your code for you?

Well, I’m done venting now. You’ll soon no longer be a pressing issue. You’ll be packed into a neat .rar file and sent to the Archive folder shortly, where you can hang out with other loser firmware versions — including that one which used to think it was going to have a bright career as a rapper (remember that guy? We had to wipe a lot of data from our memory hard drive back then)

Anyway, see you in the Archive.

Kunal Shandilya v18.2.20 (Release Notes):
1) After plenty of debate, it was decided that I actually kinda love oatmeal in a weird way
2) Night mode is here! Stay up all night doing nothing productive and post sentimental stories on Snapchat which you (hopefully) will not regret in the morning (you know you will)
3) No longer irrationally measure the value of and allocate time to fellow human beings
4) Experimental: Self-control has been temporarily reduced to 10% of original value. For no good reason at all. Good luck studying for your finals.
5) New feature: Get dumb people to shut the fuck up by just saying "oh shit, you're right"

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