How to Spend Every Minute of the Day with Your Spouse… and Still Like Them
5 tips for showing love in the time of COVID-19
When you have to use some arithmetic to calculate how long you’ve been married, you’ve probably been married for a while. My husband and I have been married for (…carry the nine, wait…counts with fingers) 22 years.
For the past 5 of those years, we have spent almost every minute of every day together.
That last sentence often draws gasps of horror from our friends. And it’s not like we’re oblivious to how crazy this is — trust me, we get it. It’s taken some getting used to. We run our studio together. We do our taxes together. We run errands together. We walk our dog together.
On top of it all, we live in a tiny little condo with no “get away” zone, and learning to live in close quarters with a human with a completely different personality than your own presents it’s own challenges.
But not only have we “made it work”, we actually like it. And now that so many of our friends are being forced into the same circumstances due to the wisdom of sheltering in place during the spread of COVID-19, we thought you might like some tips for how to not murder the person you’ve vowed to love through better or for worse.
Tip 1: Learn to be Flexible
Out of all of the possible things you can do, I personally believe that this point is the most important.
It’s easy to say that we “go with the flow.” But the theory and the practice are two radically different things.
During any kind of crisis, flexibility becomes an incredibly valuable mental skill, and, important to note: not everyone can do. Especially if your partner is suffering from any form of depression, they can become even less flexible, which makes your flexibility even more significant to your own mental wellbeing.
This isn’t a practice in being a “pushover” — you’re not going to lose your identity or core values over this. But if you want to blast some music and your spouse needs some sleep, flexibility allows you to adjust your plans to accommodate and, importantly, still be happy with whatever else it is you decide to do. Because resentment in a confined space is a tinder box waiting to ignite.
Tip 2: Make a Plan
Having a plan is pretty much the opposite to “going with the flow”, but communicating and coming to an agreement with your partner about an ideal daily agenda will give you both some clarity for what you each expect.
And even though it’s important to assign responsibilities for chores, it’s equally important to have a plan for fun. Creating a schedule will not only help things get done, it’ll also create some sense of normalcy when your world is upside-down.
As an example, here are my plans for the next 3 days:
- Day 1: Do 2 weeks of meal planning.
- Day 2: Clean the condo top to bottom.
- Day 3: Have a “spa day.”
And, very sadly, I’m just as excited about the meal planning day as I am about the spa day. That excitement is just one of the very sad realities you have to accept about being an adult.
Tip 3: Respect Your Spouse’s Grieving Process
Like my dear friend Kim says, “Everyone processes grief differently.” Some people wall themselves in. Some people over-communicate their feelings. There are things some people do that you wouldn’t even realize are part of a grieving process.
The current thing that's “all the rage” to do online is posting about showing kindness to strangers during the crisis.
Pro-tip: use a healthy dose of that kindness at home.
Showing empathy — even when you can’t understand your partner’s actions — will go a long way to keeping harmony in your house. Understand they’re just as scared as you are.
Financial worries are the number one cause of divorce during good times. Add a pandemic and economic shutdown to that? There is an enormous sense of loss and uncertainty that we’re all feeling right now.
Be forgiving. Let them talk if they need to talk. Let them withdraw if they need space. But show them you’re there for them if they need you.
Tip 4: Know when to “Self-Isolate”
None of us are saints. Each of us can only do so much to create a sense of security and positivity in our spaces. And there will come a breaking point — or many breaking points — for every single one of us.
An amazing way to deal with that is to address that fact with your partner in advance. Come up with a “code word” for when you need to escape. Make it funny. One of the most important things that gets humanity through any crisis is a sense of humor. And if you can still find way to show humor when you’re at your worst, everyone benefits.
So come up with a code word when you’re at your best, and use it when you need to GTFO.
Take a bath. Put in earplugs and listen music. Watch a meditation video. Whatever your preferred escape mechanism is, use it liberally.
But, when escaping, try not to do it angrily. Sure, your partner might be annoying, but they don’t know your personal breaking point. Take a breath, laugh, and tell them it’s in both of your best interests if you ‘go and “code word Aardvark” now. Love you!’
Tip 5: Spoil Each Other
Now more than ever is the time to be thankful for what we have. It’s true that every relationship is unique and presents its own challenges, but if you can use this time to remember why you got married in the first place? Amazing.
Show affection. Cheat on your diets together. Snuggle in bed a little bit longer. Play your partner’s favorite game. Whatever the “love language” is for your relationship? Do that.
Godspeed and best of luck to you all.
Here’s hoping we’re not inundated with baby announcements in 9 months…
And now, a serious note: On average, nearly 20 people per minute are victims of physical violence by an intimate partner in the United States. If you are in a relationship where you feel threatened by your partner, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for resources.
