How to Stand Up for Yourself at Work Without Being a Jerk

Let’s get a few things straight. Conflict makes my palms sweat and my heart race. If I cannot immediately resolve a conflict, I put as much distance between myself and it as possible. In fact, I once left a job in order to avoid dealing with a conflict that sprung up between me and a co-worker. I kept waiting for the friction between us to resolve itself over time, and when it didn’t, I felt like leaving was my only choice. I’ve learned a lot in the 15 years since then.

My education in standing up for myself didn’t get fully underway until I began my career. In truth, I only recently came to the realization that I sought to resolve conflicts hastily, in the interest of self-preservation rather than for the common good. Also, now that I am paying attention, I’m surprised at the number of people I know who are like me in this respect. This includes many of my co-workers, with one or two exceptions who — either consciously or not — cause conflict.

Thankfully, I realize that those one or two exceptions are not to blame for my occasional unhappiness due to friction at work. How I react to conflict is up to me. What’s more, I can choose to stand up for myself and others in a way that unites, rather than divides, my co-workers.

Do you enable bullying by avoiding conflict?

Bullying is any behavior that is meant to cause negative feelings in someone, and is ultimately about stealing someone’s power. Bullying can be obvious or understated, can come from unexpected sources, and is harmful to everyone in a workplace (and to the business overall). In several instances over my career, my aversion to conflict prevented me from standing up to workplace bullying though I knew that speaking out was the right thing to do. I’m guessing that this is a common occurrence for others like me. I know that we can do better.

Take a look at three common workplace scenarios that follow. Perhaps you experienced one of them today, and dismissed the interaction as normal. I encourage you to take a second look at the experience, unpack that discomfort, and wonder: is it bullying?

Scenario #1

Heather is a manager and though you do not report to her directly, she has seniority when compared to your position and time with the company. One day, Heather makes a critical comment about something that you choose to eat for lunch. Then, over time, her comments evolve to include your work ethic, the way that you arrange your workspace, and even the way you laugh. At first, you dismiss Heather’s behavior as insensitive. But now, you do your best to avoid her on a daily basis.

Scenario #2

Your co-worker Steve, whom you like, loves to gossip about your other co-workers, and one co-worker in particular. Mostly, you just smile and nod. Sometimes though, you find yourself joining in. Steve’s favorite target often annoys you too with behavior that you find odd. You know that the targeted co-worker would be hurt if they found out what was being said, but engaging in gossip with Steve feels like a good way to cope with workplace stress.

Scenario #3

You say something insensitive to a co-worker while you were trying to be funny. After you realize that you may have hurt their feelings, you wonder if you should apologize. But you work in an environment where everyone makes fun of everyone else. You decide that you don’t need to apologize — in fact, the co-worker in question has also made sarcastic and belittling comments to others in the past. Plus, you’re not the one who created the antagonistic environment — it was like that before you joined the company.

Bullying hinges on the theft of someone’s inner power — their confidence, openness, or self-respect. If you are being made to feel less than your capable self by repeated negative treatment at work, then it is likely that bullying is taking place. In addition, if bullying is meant to diminish someone, or to single out someone for ridicule, then anything that supports or promotes that behavior is also bullying. It doesn’t matter if you are not the instigator, and are just going along with the behavior — the results are the same and you are also responsible. So, what is a conflict-averse but well-intentioned co-worker like us supposed to do? How do we stand up for ourselves and others without adding fuel to the fire?

7 Tactics for Speaking Up if You’re Conflict-Averse

I’m not going to give you blanket advice for addressing all types of conflict. Your situation is unique to you. I am here to say, however, that you and I must face our aversion to conflict and move forward. According to an article on truthout.org by Michael Arria, workplace bullying affects nearly half of American workers. Also, current laws give little recourse to workers who are victims of bullying. So, it is up to us to become better at dealing with conflict and to verbalize our opposition to bullying in the workplace.

Here are the paths I follow when I face conflict or bullying at work:

I make friends with conflict ahead of time.

I have accepted that conflict (at least on a small scale) is likely when a group gets together. Also, bullying is even more likely when personalities interact within the confines of a workplace hierarchy. I previously thought that conflict, when it occurred, was abnormal. Now I know that conflict is natural and provides moments to learn from.

I plan my response.

I found helpful suggestions in The Well-Spoken Woman Speaks Out: How to Use Your Voice to Drive Change, by Cristine K. Jahnke. Here are a few responses to antagonistic comments that I liked in particular: “You sound like a bully,” or “Why would you say that? I/she/he don’t/doesn’t deserve it,” or “Hey, that sounded condescending. Mind dropping the attitude?” An important note here: I practice delivering the above comments in a compassionate and non-judgmental tone of voice.

I stay in the moment.

When confronted with someone’s bullying behavior, it helps me to think only about what is occurring in the present moment, and not the person’s history of offenses or what I feel led to the present conflict. It is enough just to be in the present, and to deal with what is happening right now.

I stay calm.

I remember to breathe and to slow down. When I manage my emotions, I think more clearly.

I am clear, specific, and verbal.

Addressing unacceptable behavior in an email or after the fact is not nearly as powerful as confronting it as it happens and with compassionate words that everyone can hear.

I regard the moment as a learning experience.

The conflict, and my response, serve to strengthen and educate not just me, but everyone involved. Even if the instigator resists or deflects my assertiveness, I’ve started something positive.

I steer clear of shaming.

Shaming is an easy and popular tactic in dealing with an offense, but it doesn’t serve to educate or provide those responsible with the solution. Shaming alienates the target and heightens the conflict, and doesn’t change the behavior or the environment.

If I can learn to be better at dealing with conflict and to stand up for myself and others, even with all my internal resistance, then you can too. I bet that you’d be even better at it than me. But one thing is for sure — now is the time. Our world needs people who adhere to thoughtful and compassionate responses to hurtful behavior. Our world needs people who see that when confronted with conflict, avoidance is not the only or best choice.

This article is one in a series on lessons I learned during my quirky career path. Topics include job-interview blunders, how easy it is to get fired, and a better mindset for mistakes, to name a few.

Feeling overwhelmed or unfulfilled at work? Or, can’t believe how lucky you are in your career? I’ve been there, and I have lessons to share. I hope you find them helpful.

Originally published at http://authoralisawilson.com on October 13, 2019.