Wake up when the baby wakes you up, crying for his mama. His mama has a job as a teacher and has already left. Can’t have two writers in a family. Otherwise, who will pay the bills? Carry him out to the living so he can verify that his mama is indeed off to work, and then smile at his wrinkled brow that seems to say, “Fine, she’s gone. Now how are you going to entertain me?”
Try to place him on the floor; he resists and vocalizes this resistance in a loud wail. Pick him up, pull a blanket over your shoulders because it’s freezing. He protests and shoves the blanket off you. Freeze. Shake. Smile because he’s happy now and laughing. Try to place him on the floor. He resists. Give up and walk back to the bedroom to retrieve his diaper changing materials. He sees a stuffed animal on the floor and demands it. You already have your arms full with the diaper, wipes, cream, and changing mat, but you bend down and help him retrieve Pooh anyway.
Return to the living room, and slowly lower him and Pooh to the floor. Remove the pajama bottoms, and he spins and crawls quickly away. Bring him back and smile so that he thinks everyone is having fun. Remove the diaper and find some surprise poop with bits of recognizable food from dinner the previous evening. He tries to crawl away. Gently pin him down and begin wiping his butt while talking to him in a happy voice about the powerful odor hitting your olfactory senses so early in the morning. “Who needs coffee when we have poop to smell?” Finish cleaning butt. He spins and crawls away. Bring him back and put the diaper beneath him. Explain in a sing-song voice how he needs to be still while you keep him in place by holding his feet high, which allows you to apply the diaper cream. Fasten one side of the diaper while he kicks you in the face and becomes aggravated as you prevent him from fleeing. Try to fasten the other side. Try to fasten the other side. Try to fasten the other side. Lose your cool, swear, and fasten the other side. He spins and goes crawling off to another room as fast as the Flash.
Follow him and find him in your older son’s bedroom. Pick him up, shake your other son to wake him. Older son says, “Why are you so loud?” Respond, “It’s time for school, buddy. Wake up!” “Go away.” “Nope, time to get up!” Notice baby getting annoyed, start bouncing up and down while saying in a sing-song voice, “Get up now, don’t piss me off!” The older son still doesn’t move. Meanwhile, the baby is reaching out for tiny choke-able Legos. “Get up now, or I will sing in front of all your friends!” Older son gets up, and you leave the room.
Place baby on the floor, quickly remove his pajama top. Now he’s cold as well, so he sits still while you put a shirt, socks, pants, slippers, and a sweatshirt on me. Tell him, “You’re free! Play while I get your brother’s breakfast ready.” He stares at you. He holds his arms up. You sigh, pick him up, and then proceed to prepare breakfast with one hand.
Somehow manage to make peanut butter toast without the baby getting into the peanut butter. Prepare fruit and yogurt for the baby. Go to the back bedroom and yell at the older son to get dressed. Stand there barking at him while he slowly dresses and looks at you as if you are the smelliest and ugliest turd in the world. Get him out to the table finally and foolishly think that now things will go smoothly.
Put baby into the highchair, and offer him fruit. He rejects your offer. Offer him yogurt. He rejects your offer and points at your coffee mug that you somehow managed to fill with coffee. Offer him water. He points and grunts at the coffee mug. Offer him water. He points and yells. Hold the coffee mug close enough so that he can feel the heat. He smiles and takes the water.
Bark at the older son to eat. Offer yogurt to the baby. Remind the older son that napkins are there to keep our sleeves clean. Accept his withering look. Offer fruit to the baby. Sip coffee that is already getting cold. Offer water to the baby. Tell the older son to brush his teeth and clean his face. Accept that baby now wants to be picked up.
Tell the older son to return to the bathroom to actually brush his teeth. Remind him that you need him to take the dog out. He purses his lips at you while the baby demands to visit the dog. Place the baby down and take advantage of the half a second he is distracted to put your own clothes on and grab the hat and jacket for the baby from the closet. Tell the older son to put a coat on and take the dog out. Tell him again. Tell him again. Pick baby up as he is yelling for you.
The older son is out the door, and you place his lunch inside his backpack. You lower the baby to the ground and fail to get his shoes on. He crawls in a red blur to another room and starts yelling at the vacuum. You bring him back and force his shoes on. He begins loudly complaining about one of them. You get his warm clothes on while the older son returns with the dog. You get a hat and scarf on yourself and try to place the baby on the floor so you can put the dog in the crate and place the anti-barking collar on her. The baby protests loudly, and so you reach for the dog with your one free hand.
The dog is neurotic. She is a rescue dog that was abused by a man, and you also happen to be a man, so she pees on the floor because you are reaching for her. You pick her up, place her in the crate, somehow attach the collar and close the crate. You pull out the 409 and some paper towels and clean the pee. You wash your hands — all of this with a baby in your arms.
You yell for your older son to come back and get his backpack. You take the baby’s things and head out the door. You quickly come back and put your shoes on. You leave the apartment, get halfway down the stairs, realize you forgot the baby’s milk, say Shit! loudly and return. Take off your shoes to walk across the apartment and retrieve the milk. Walk out of the apartment. Return and put your shoes on.
Get to the car. Open the back and ask the older son to start the car. Start trying to place the baby in the car seat, but also tell the older son to leave the buttons and dials alone. Talk very nicely to the baby about how we’re going for a drive, but knowing that the baby is crying because he knows you will drop him off at daycare. Get into the front seat, get the older son to go to the back seat to keep the baby company. Look at the clock and realize it is 8:15 am.
Drop the older son off at school. Tell him you love him and say, “Have a great day, buddy!” Baby eyes you suspiciously in the mirror. Tell him that he is going to have fun playing with kids. Take him to daycare. He gets upset in the car after you park, but he stops crying as you exude positivity and keep telling him, “This is a fun place! This is a happy place!” Bring him inside, and he starts to wail. Hand him to the woman who will care for him. Wave to the other kids staring at you as if you are a baby-torturer. Kiss the baby and run from the room so that he can stop crying.
Cry a little while you drive to the pharmacy and pick up melatonin and anti-gas medicine. Drive to the grocery store and pick up bread. Realize you should have also purchased eggs after you arrive home. Enter your apartment and let the dog out. Eat something without really paying attention. Drink your cold coffee. Pass a mirror and realize you need to shower. Put music on and shower.
Clean the kitchen, feed the dog, straighten the house, vacuum, and then sit down in front of your computer.
You have less than one hour until you need to pick up the baby from daycare. Open a blank page. Stare. Open Facebook and look at the nothing that is always occurring there. Look at the news sites and regret it the moment you see the headlines. Curse yourself. Wonder about what sort of articles and stories you can write to save the world and inspire people to help one another and to always search for ways to be positive.
Swear, think about the baby, cry a bit more. Type furiously for 30 minutes.
Later tonight, after the entire day has gotten away from you, you will kiss your older son goodnight, kiss the baby goodnight, kiss your wife goodnight, and then you will stay up until midnight, or 1:00 am or whatever it takes in order to make progress on the novel, an article, a new short story idea, and maybe even that strange song that keeps repeating in your head.
After taking the melatonin and anti-gas medicine, you will lie down and wait an hour or so for the thoughts to cease, and you will drift off to sleep.
And then you will be awoken by a crying baby after your wife had already left for work.