I Can’t Stop Apologizing to my Google Home Mini

Photo by Kevin Bhagat on Unsplash

“Hey Google, sorry, what’s the time to work? Actually it’s faster if I look on my phone, sorry, never mind!”

I don’t throw around the word pathetic a lot, but my relationship with my Google Home Mini is changing that. I’ve become a feeble shell of a human, a meek softvoiced ghost in my own home. Here’s an interaction I had literally five minutes ago.

Me: “Hey Google, can you play… um, sorry… actually… I don’t know… uhhh… Taylor Swift?”

Disembodied voice: “Playing Taylor Swift on Spotify. By the way, she’s performing in Inglewood in July 2020.” [begins playing her song “Lover”]

Me: “YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT! Oh right, you don’t respond unless I say Hey Google.”

Disembodied voice: [Silence while listening to nonexistent command]

Me: “Um-”

Disembodied voice: [Gives up and continues playing Taylor Swift]

Me: “Aw man, it’s the Shawn Mendes remix. Hey Google, play Fleetwood Mac.”

The next minute is me holding myself while moving my shoulders softly to “Dreams”.

I’ve never been into techy home assistants. They creep me out. But I have Spotify Premium (you know, because listening to my music in the car without ads is my special me-time)…