I Feel Your Pain
The Blessing (and curse) of Being Sensitive
“I feel your pain.” It was a quip uttered by then-presidential candidate William Jefferson Clinton during the 1992 Presidential campaign.
Bill Clinton was many things, but he was no empath.
According to Dr. Judith Orloff, empaths are “Highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme.”
I am definitely one of these. How do I know? I recently completed Dr. Orloff’s self-assessment (from her book The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People), which asks the following questions:
1. Have I been labeled as “overly sensitive,” shy, or introverted?
2. Do I frequently get overwhelmed or anxious?
3. Do arguments or yelling make me ill?
4. Do I often feel like I don’t fit in?
5. Am I drained by crowds and need alone time to revive myself?
6. Am I overstimulated by noise, odors, or non-stop talkers?
7. Do I have chemical sensitivities or can’t tolerate scratchy clothes?
8. Do I prefer taking my own car places so I can leave early if I need to?
9. Do I overeat to cope with stress?
10. Am I afraid of becoming suffocated by intimate relationships?
11. Do I startle easily?
12. Do I react strongly to caffeine or medications?
13. Do I have a low pain threshold?
14. Do I tend to socially isolate?
15. Do I absorb other people’s stress, emotions, or symptoms?
16. Am I overwhelmed by multitasking and prefer doing one thing at a time?
17. Do I replenish myself in nature?
18. Do I need a long time to recuperate after being with difficult people or energy vampires?
19. Do I feel better in small cities or the country than in large cities?
20. Do I prefer one-to-one interactions or small groups rather than large gatherings?
According to Dr. Orloff:
- If you answer yes to one to five of the questions above, you’re at least partially an empath.
- Responding yes to six to ten questions means you have moderate empathic tendencies.
- Responding yes to eleven to fifteen means you have strong empathic tendencies.
- Answering yes to more than fifteen questions means that you are a full-blown empath.
I answered yes to 16 out of 20 of the above questions. Yikes!
In listening to Dr. Orloff’s book, The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, much of my life (past and present) is starting to make sense to me.
As a child, I was introverted (one sign of being sensitive). Today, I am more of an ambivert, primarily because of my work for over 30years in sales, marketing, fundraising, and leadership training. Success in that work required a fair amount of extroversion. At heart, I am still an introvert, preferring to stay home and watch a movie with the family rather than go out to a party.
Also, I never seemed to “fit in” (another sign) to the public edumacation system. I was a moody kid. In second grade, I gave my teacher the middle finger after she criticized me one day in class. Off to the Vice Principal’s Office. In third grade, I had a complete meltdown (sobbing) in class. For what reason, I have no idea. Off to the Vice Principal’s Office. In 5th grade, I challenged my teacher on the correct pronunciation of the word “Himalaya.” After the requisite chiding, off to the Vice Principal’s Office. Eventually, I succumbed to the domestication. No more Vice Principal’s Office. Playing organized sports in high school, helped with energy release, although dealing with the negative emotions of teammates remained a challenge.
In high school, as the full measure of testosterone started kicking in, I recall having INTENSE crushes on girls. My shyness and inability to express those powerful emotions did not help. Did I hear someone say’ “Awkward!” It felt like torture — every day! In the spring of my senior year, I met a fine young girl, and we went to the high school prom together. There was some relief.
Then came college. I was fortunate to have had guidance from my father who suggested I look at small, liberal arts schools. That advice was sage. I ended up at Washington and Lee in rural southwest Virginia. After a challenging first year, I found my peeps at the Phi Psi Fraternity, and many of those men are friends to this day (35 years after graduation).
Empaths value close, intimate relationships with people. It only took an additional two years of suffering in the engineering laboratories of Columbia University as a graduate student to figure that out. Off to the workplace.
While I had decent skills (and lots of training) in the rational/analytical realm, I was attracted to sales and marketing roles where I enjoyed the 1:1 close contact with people. This remains true to this day, where the work I value the most is executive coaching with individual leaders.
As I matured as an adult, I learned much more about myself, although I did not know until recently that I could label my “idiosyncrasies” as being an empath or sensitive.
In my late 20’s, I read an article in the Wall Street Journal about SAD — Seasonal Affective Disorder. It’s is a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons. People with SAD typically have symptoms that start in the fall and continue into the winter months as sunlight diminishes. The effects are especially acute in the Northeast (where I was living) where the winters can be very grey. The condition can sap one’s energy and induce a general malaise. As I became more aware of my own SAD, I recall interviewing for a job (which I eventually took) and making sure that the office had a south-facing window, which let in natural light during the day. Up until then, I worked in fully enclosed office spaces with no natural light. Only fluorescents. To this day, I cannot tolerate fluorescent lighting, and I am very particular with my work environment, preferring lots of south-facing glass, preferably with views of water or mountains. Working for oneself where you get to choose your working environment has its advantages. If you are affected by SAD, I strongly encourage you to take a stand for a workspace with natural light. I promise that your mood will improve.
You might be thinking, “toughen up.” Or, “don’t be such a baby.” That is a frequent response from many who do not understand people who are sensitive or empathic. And, that kind of judgment cuts us to the bone. We feel harsh judgment and criticism from others very strongly, and we take it personally — like a serrated edged knife cutting through our flesh and sawing on the bone to get to the marrow. It’s only recently (within the past five, or so, years that I became more aware of my sensitivity to others’ emotions -especially negative ones like harsh criticism.
In 2015 I started working with Michelle Goss as my coach. She suggested that I might be sensitive and suggested I take a look at a book called The Gifted Adult: A Revolutionary Guide for Liberating Everyday Genius. It was that book that opened my eyes to my sensitivity and empathic ability.
It turns out that having the ability to sense other’s emotions as if they were your own is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that when awareness is high, we can generate great compassion for others. A curse in that when awareness is low, we can “catch” others’ negative emotions and get completely derailed.
Let me share an example of each.
Because of my sensitivity, I learned to cope with the intense feelings of both negative and positive emotions by repressing and suppressing many of them. I recall during my coach training, and I was deadly afraid of the workshop called “Process” that deals with this topic. I’ve come a long way since then. As I have become more adept at noticing, naming, and processing my own afflictive emotions, I am now more masterful in working with coaching clients in doing the same. Developing this skill has not been easy for me.
Also, about the same time, I started on my path of helping others through coaching and leadership development, I began a quest called “Black Belt in Jiu-Jitsu by 62.” It’s a manifestation of a life-long dream (going back to those elementary school days) to be masterful in a martial art.
About three years ago, I chose to start competing. So, as a recently minted blue belt, I went west to fight in the Masters World Championship in the Las Vegas Convention Center. Now, it turns out that waiting inside the arena all day for my match, which was going off at about 5pm, is not beneficial for me. I picked up on all the energy in the Convention Center and lost my first fight.
I learned a lot from that experience. First and foremost — don’t hang out in the arena before fighting (an insight strongly reinforced for me by Dr. Eddie O’Connor). Empaths and sensitives do not do well in large spaces with lots of people. Two years later (and several more competitions under my blue belt), I ventured back to Vegas to win the World Championship at Mater 6, Lightweight, Blue Belt. I stayed out to the main hall of the convention center until about 1.5hrs before my fights.
As Dr. Orloff suggests, there are ways to cope and still engage with the world.
I share this partial journey of my life (including all of the struggles) with the hope that it inspires you — especially those of you who are on the sensitive and empathic spectrum. Embrace your gifts. I am just starting to do so and can share that it is liberating.
Also, I encourage you to seek help. I am happy to share that the resources outlined in this article help me function much better in the world.
