I swear this will be the last time I talk sh*t about myself
Disclaimer, I originally wrote this in May of 2018.
I was just about to graduate from Ada Developers Academy and needed to get my nervous feelings out of my head and onto paper. But I didn’t publish it. I couldn’t bring myself to actually press the publish button. I was mortified of admitting how insecure I f̶e̶l̶t̶ feel in the tech industry.
However, now, almost a year later, with a little bit more experience, a new company, and a new role under my belt, I’ve come to realize that I never was alone in feeling this way. So many of us face self-doubt, insecurity, and imposter syndrome. So many have also entered the industry via unconventional paths (i.e. bootcamps or self-taught) instead of studying Computer Science in college. And so many similarly question whether or not there is space in this industry for someone like ourselves.
While it felt good and cathartic at the time to write this, just for myself, it feels important now to share. Perhaps it’ll resonate with you, who knows 🤷🏼♀️ it might not, but I don’t need it taking up space in my drafts folder any longer.
May 2018:
So here’s the thing. I’m fully aware that nobody wins when I talk sh*t about myself. And yet I cannot seem to stop. Perhaps it’s a bad case of imposter syndrome or an ingrained behavior taught to me by our patriarchal society, but for whatever reason, I lead far too many professional interactions with self-deprecation.
It’s easy to do in this new field of mine. Or rather, I’ve come up with plenty of excuses for why I do this: You see, I’m a coder but I come from a non-traditional path. I attended a coding bootcamp after being an English teacher for the past 7 years of my life. This means that I don’t have a Computer Science degree like everyone else on my developer team. And while my peers have been in the industry for at least half a decade, I’ve only been coding for about a year!
And so I often am faced with feelings of not belonging and insecurity. To cope, I degrade my abilities or crack a joke about my ineptitude and hide behind that sarcasm and humor. I do it with a smile and laugh it off- inviting others to join in on the hilarity that is my inadequacy.
But let’s be real, it’s not funny and it’s not true and is totally 100% a defense mechanism. I do it out of fear that someone will think that I truly don’t belong here. Out of fear that they’ll eventually reveal my hidden truth, see through my facade, and realize that I don’t innately know how to traverse a binary search tree! They’ll discover that I don’t belong. Thus I find myself trying to beat them to the punch by self-sabotaging before someone else can reject me on their own.
The thing is that self-deprecating humor can be a good quality. It can demonstrate that someone is self-aware, humble, empathetic, and doesn’t have an ego.
But more often than not, for me, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because, shocker, if you say it enough times, you’ll eventually believe it!
Recently, I taught a technical IoT workshop on how to build an Alexa-enabled prototype back at Ada. I prepared intensely for it and dedicated hours upon hours to practicing my slide deck and tinkering with my examples to make it perfect. I was well prepared and had developed expert knowledge of the technical content I was delivering. But what do you know? Peppered throughout my presentation were self-deprecating wise-cracks about how little I know about the inner workings of the hardware!
The worst part? I wasn’t even aware that I was making these jokes. 😳 My mentor had to point it out to me afterward! That’s how ingrained this behavior is. Sometimes I am completely oblivious to the fact that I’m doing it!
It’s ridiculous. And I know that I’ve got to shake this insecurity. Especially as I begin to interview with new tech companies — this habit of apologizing for myself upon the first impression is seriously going to eff up my chances of ever getting an offer. Further, a serious goal of mine is to continue giving workshops and get more involved in public speaking. I’ve submitted a few proposals to a couple of local conferences. But let’s be real, why would anyone want to want to hear me speak if even I don’t believe I deserve to be there?
I write this, knowing all too well how vulnerable it makes me. It’s probably pretty risky of me to expose such deep insecurity: the feeling that I don’t belong in this industry. That perhaps, I may not have the chops to succeed as a coder after all.
But to hell with it. Because I refuse to believe that I’m the first person to ever feel this way! And perhaps the more we talk about it, the less likely others will be to fall victim to these plaguing feelings of self-doubt in the future.
And so here I am, standing in my truth, ready to finally stop apologizing for who I am. Yes, you’ve heard it here first folks, today is really the day I actually stop (or at least really really try — remember folks, ingrained behavior can be tough to kick!). After all, who gains from these insecure feelings and this self-deprecating behavior? Only those who created this male-dominated industry in the first place, that’s who!
It’s important to note that, by no means, am I filled with self-hate. That’s absolutely not the case. I am so incredibly proud of the choice I made to change career paths after all of those years and pursue my dreams. I love being a developer. And I’m pretty damn good at it!
In fact, I’m writing this in an effort to remind myself that the things I’m most insecure about may, in fact, be assets that I bring with me wherever I go. Perhaps the skills I learned while being a teacher, a department chair, a volleyball and cross-country coach, and a mentor for all of those years may in fact be skills that my future tech team will benefit from.
Perhaps my perspective will be different than those who have all come from the same educational path. Perhaps I really do belong in this industry, and thanks to Ada Developers Academy, the landscape in which I am entering, is changing for the better every single day.
Thus, I promise to not let those moments of self-doubt win. They will no longer get the best of me. I truly believe confidence comes from within and I’m on a mission to change the way I see myself. I’ll be taking it day by day but hopefully, those jokes about my intelligence are a thing of the past. TBD I suppose- I’ll keep you posted. 😉
A few updates from my 2019 self:
March 2019:
- I’m proud to say that not only did I continue to present & give talks at local meetups in Seattle, but I went on to speak at TWO national tech conferences last year! And I’ve already got a few more lined up for 2019💣
- I cannot confidently say that I fulfilled that promise to myself and made that day in May of 2018 the absolute last day that I made a joke about myself. But I can happily report that I no longer believe that I am not welcome in this industry. I have carved out space for myself. I now feel proud to be different and in fact, love sharing lessons and stories from my prior life as a teacher.
- I’ve learned how to identify allies and mentors, how to ask the right questions in interviews of employers to identify teams that value diversity, and now am able to recognize managers who see my prior life experiences and unconventional path to tech as a benefit and not a detractor.
- More importantly, I myself no longer see my path to tech as a handicap. I embrace the skills that I learned as an educator and have found ways to use them as assets in my new role as a Technical Product Manager. I am no longer embarrassed by my journey.
- I’ll admit that while I sometimes still feel insecure about how much I don’t know, I’ve learned to reframe those thoughts and discover excitement in what I don’t know yet. Those unknowns are all just opportunities to learn more! The best part about this industry is that we get to be forever learners and can always find ways to challenge ourselves and learn something new.
- Thus, in the past year, I’ve learned to embrace my failures as well as the many things that I do not know and understand them as opportunities to grow.
{ so long self-deprecation & hello growth mindset! }
I hope that by sharing this article, these insecurities, and the promises I made to stop defining myself by those feelings of self-doubt that I wrote to myself last year resonates with someone.
I hope that if you’re feeling alone, inadequate, stupid, insecure, or not welcome in this industry that this might help. I’m no longer embarrassed to admit that I sometimes feel that way too. Let’s start embracing what we don’t know. Let’s celebrate our unique paths to this industry and help create space for more to join in our wake and continue to diversify tech! 💪🏽
Follow my journey — @LoLoCoding 👩🏼💻 Instagram & Twitter
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