I thought I was depressed but I was going through something else.
Struck by Something
One September morning, I woke up and knew two things:
- I no longer felt there was any reason, purpose, or need for me live.
- Nothing was wrong in my life.
If anything, everything was great. For once, I felt like I had been doing everything right and I was proud of that, proud that for the past two years, I had both created and was living my best life.
I had let go of the corporate grind to focus on all my passion projects and realize my childhood dreams. I was listening to my inner voice, meditating, going to the gym, meeting friends, reading books, learning and growing in every way I could think of so I couldn’t understand why I was suddenly feeling this way. I thought it would pass. Except it didn’t.
Instead, since that day, I found myself trapped in this liminal place, a place where an unrelenting stream of thoughts loop at a frenetic pace in my brain.
Why don’t I want anything else? Why don’t I care about the things I used to care about? Why does it feel like there is nothing left? Why does it feel like there’s no point? Why does nothing matter?
I felt shattered. I started to feel dangerous. Not in a sexy or cool way. In a scary, terrifying, anxiety-inducing way. Like my hold on reality was like that of two slippery fingers holding onto the ledge of a skyscraper.
I knew I needed to speak to a therapist.
Her answer is kind and ready.
“It seems to me that you are looking for a new goal and you don’t know what it is yet.”
She gives me some exercises to work on to build back my self-esteem, which is what she sees as the main problem.
But the truth is, I feel extinguished, like the flame that used to be burning inside me has left. Now the future yawns before me, a fog-filled-abyss, without any reason, purpose or meaning I can discern. I don’t know what to do with this fog. I’ve never experienced it before.
I call this depression because that is what it feels like. It feels like an emptiness with no ache but that is fully and heavily present. And yet, it doesn’t compute to me.
I wonder: HOW could this be happening to me when I’m so focused on expanding my self-awareness? When I’m so focused on self-development and self-growth? When I’m so careful?
Harry Potter and The Dark Night of the Soul
So after my therapist, I call my artistically inclined friend “T” with whom I’ve been sharing this journey, and tell her the news: I’m depressed.
She listens to my symptoms. I expect her to tell me it is fine. But instead, and as per usual, her response is insightful:
“Are you sure that what you are experiencing is not the dark night of the soul?”
What.
I can hear the smile in her voice. I’m thinking, I really can’t do this Harry Potter thing right now.
“The dark night of the soul,” T continues to explain patiently, “is a period that can happen suddenly, where your spirit wants to take over, and your ego is ready to be dissolved. It can be a very long process and it is very painful.”
We are now officially in Harry Potter world and I am—DESPITE my best efforts — thoroughly, intrigued.
“Tell me more.”
“The bad news is that you should expect it to get worse before it gets better.”
Oh.
But as a true friend, she quickly says, “But know that you will get through it.”
I’m totally floored.
I start to read lots of articles when I come across this explanation by Eckhart Tolle that is exactly what I am feeling. The dark night of the soul is:
“a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything […] and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.”
When I tell my dad about this, he suggests that I have not reached a peak high enough in my life — nope, don’t have that superhit film or that NYT novel or a baby yet — that would justify such a crash.
While certainly humbling — and super disorienting because I can’t believe I am no longer yearning for those incredible things anymore— , I’m not convinced that one needs to achieve a certain peak in the material world to be struck by this feeling. My impression is that it can happen to anyone, anywhere and at any time, especially when they least expect it and that perhaps, the most helpful thing to know when it does happen is that there is no need to panic for a cure. That the experience itself will deliver it. Whatever that “it” is.
But I’m not an expert on this, just a fellow traveller on this funny journey of life who is ready to admit that the journey is at times lonely and a little scary. So if you have experienced or are experiencing the dark night of the soul and need a fellow journey mate, let’s connect.
