If I Committed Suicide, How Would I do it?

An unconventional observation through the mind of the depressed in our technological era.

Michael Keolalaulani
Jun 18 · 3 min read

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” -Plato

In a world of instantaneous information, mankind is often feeling lost at the whim of technology. We subscribe to the idea of perfection through various filters and pay our attention to people who are living in a unique ‘Neverland’ of happiness. Through the facets of technology, we gain a glimpse into the lavish lives of the rich — the so-called, “happy people,” who flaunt their money, materialistic possessions, and profound lifestyles that many of our own lives could not come in comparison to. The takeaway we get from viewing their social media profiles leaves a significant amount of us wondering, empty, and neurotic to fill the void left behind by our own shortcomings.

I often found my own experience on social media to be more destructive than productive. Comparison is the thief of joy and I found myself, on more than a few occasions, catering jealousy to invade my mindset, robbing me of actual gratitude. I wished that I could be them. The thousands of users who were indefinitely “happy, perfect, and without infraction.” They are, perfect, right?

The insidious nature of my own shortcomings crept slowly into my mindset. The views of my friends and colleagues excelling in their military career catered further to my own perceived shortcomings. Their promotions weighed heavily on my own confidence — regret began to grow insidiously. Depression began to cripple me from the inside out and I found myself trying to find any amount of reasoning to justify myself being “here.” Self-deprecating humor was readily available, but what really grabbed at my core was my own shortcomings that I displaced on relationships that came to follow.

I pushed good friends away. I didn’t maintain the friendships between the ones who have always had my back. In all, I committed social suicide that pushed me away from everything I ever stood for as a man. If social media was supposed to bring us together more than ever, why do I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt before? Am I the only one?

Being alone can have some serious implications with regards to our own relative nature of meaning. But being alone has taught me the necessary lessons that I apparently needed to learn. It has taught me about meditation. It has taught me the value of meaning. It has taught me the value within transparency.

In a way, I have committed suicide to my former self. My former self was stupid, selfish, arrogant, and full of pride. My former self was obsessed with comparison and contrast. My former self robbed me of genuine friends, meaningful connections, and amazing opportunities. In all, I have nothing to blame but myself for my past transgressions. However, life has an interesting way of allowing us to walk the path of redemption.

If I committed suicide, I would kill off the former version of myself. If I committed suicide, I would give myself an opportunity at a clean slate. That's what I’m placing myself at. Although my life has not been measurable to perfection, I live in complete ownership of all that has come, and all that is to pass. No one is perfect — I feel that everyone should stop holding themselves to the immeasurable standard of perfection when perfection is measurable in so many other standards other than themselves.

Life is about growth. By accepting growth, you allow yourself to remain vulnerable to the various challenges that you’ll inevitably face throughout life. When a tree is burned, it doesn’t cave to the ashes — it thrives off the nutrients of its former self. Be diligent in your resolve and perhaps you’ll find some solitude within YOUR own meaning with YOUR life.

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Michael Keolalaulani

Written by

Native Hawaiian, African-American, Navy Veteran, Surfer, Aspiring Author. Various issues with a less-than-conventional approach. IG: Keolalaulani

The Startup

Medium's largest active publication, followed by +527K people. Follow to join our community.

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