I’m Not Suicidal, I’m Just Indifferent To Living (Inspired By Anthony Bourdain)
“It isn’t so much that I want to die, it’s more that I’m indifferent to living. So I get it.”
Itold my friend as we were talking about Anthony Bourdain’s suicide.
“Whoa there!”
They reacted.
“You haven’t thought about suicide have you?”
“I haven’t thought about actually killing myself, however I’ve thought a lot about existing — and sometimes catch myself being indifferent about it.”
“That’s too many of your books and articles talking.”
“I do read and write a lot which gives me a lot of time to reflect. I just heard the brilliant mathematician, Dr. Eric Weinstein say there’s a reason people who spend too much time on self-reflection, trying to make sense of it all often end up going crazy. Haha perhaps I need to zoom out a bit.”
“Yes, seems so.”
Myfriend felt somewhat re-assured. I repeated that I’m fine and well (and I hope she believes me).
We got back to Bourdain.
I couldn’t help but lament on why he would end his existence. I always do this — my insatiable curiosity to know can’t be helped.
I began:
“It’s interesting because his life actually included a lot of activity that was nourishing to the soul. Like he traveled to countries to learn their cultures, this created good experiences regularly. He also worked in service of others, you could tell this. For example, his Iran episode made the people of the country and Iranian Americans in the US love him. Serving others makes us feel significant, and that makes us feel good.”
“But I guess it all dissipates — fleeting away at each moment. It’s up to us to keep savoring those experiences over and over.”
“But you can’t control the voices in your head.”
“Surely if the voices in his head took over, or the brain chemistry just wouldn’t allow him to feel happy, it would still seem like, him of all people, could manufacture enough on his own to naturally calm the negative voices down?”
“You can’t be depressed while in a state of enthusiasm.”
I recalled what I learned from great teacher Dr. Wayne Dyer who always said that.
As I tried to think through a massive problem like depression and suicide and distill it down, my friend got a bit annoyed.
She caught me:
“Depression is a disease and can’t be controlled by it’s victims so be careful.”
“I know I know. I’m not judging or trying to be insensitive. I just can’t help but wonder, like his life had so much nourishing activity in it. It’s like when I listened to Brandon Stanton get interviewed by Tim Ferris and Ferris asked Stanton how he thought about work and life after leaving finance prior to starting Humans Of New York — with no money in the bank and barely enough to make ends meet.”
He said:
“I decided I was only going to spend my time doing work that was nourishing in the present moment for me, and taking photographs was that.”
“Bourdain had work that was nourishing to the soul, and he was successful to boot — traveling the world, meeting amazing people and eating great food. His life also wasn’t always like that, which would mean he’d probably appreciate it very much and feel a lot of gratitude. Surely that was plenty to keep him going?”
“Maybe we arrive and don’t need anything after success? Thereby being less meaningful and life just has less necessity?”
Perhaps Bourdain was thinking:
“My daughter will be taken care of.”
“I’ve done everything I could ever have dreamed about.”
“I’ve seen everything I need to see.”
“I’ve tasted everything I could ever hope to taste.”
I continued lamenting and could tell my friend was beginning to conjure up patience for my long winded diatribe on a topic I wasn’t an expert in:
“I understand why no matter how good one’s life is, why they’d be indifferent to living anymore. When I have those thoughts, and I have them pretty regularly, and they even get dark sometimes, I’m still able to catch them and have strategies in place to cope. I think that’s from all the mindfulness I practice which allows me to observe well.”
“I know from a physiological standpoint, how to manufacture happy states and happy activity that keeps me going. And on days when it’s really bad, when I can do nothing but power through, I’m able to zoom out and observe that it’s out of my control and that I need to patiently wait. I’ll often use this time as an excuse to distract myself with a good tv series, film or stand up comedy.”
“Surely if I can do it, couldn’t Anthony Bourdain have?”
I couldn’t help but want to know what was going through his mind when he made the decision and then carried out the act of hanging himself. Like he found rope or something like it, stood up on whatever it was he stood up on — and made the decision to end his life.
I rounded out my long-winded thesis and one sided conversation with my patient friend:
“I don’t think Anthony Bourdain was necessarily miserable and depressed. At least, I don’t think his day to day subjective experience was felt as super painful every day, I just think he woke up one day and felt tired, and thought he’d lived long and well enough and was indifferent to staying around. So indifferent that he thought to himself that he just wanted to rest. A decision takes a moment. So he hung himself.”
The Dark Side Of Too Much Mindfulness
“You can do what you decide to do — but you cannot decide what you will decide to do.” — Dr. Sam Harris, Neuroscientist
I caught myself saying it a bit too many times.
“It isn’t so much that I want to die, it’s more that I’m indifferent to living.”
Turns out, Bourdain referenced hanging himself almost a dozen times in different episodes of his shows.
The eerie Buenos Aires episode where most of the episode is him actually in a psychiatrists office — telling her about a dream where he can’t find his way out of a hotel and he hangs himself.
I still don’t think that makes me suicidal however, I just think I have a loud mind as my quiet life of often solitude as a writer gives me plenty of breathing room to think vs. most who don’t have the time and mind space between job, family and friends.
Also, the subjective experience I’m having when I have the thought isn’t in a depressed state or in deep perceived pain and suffering. It’s more of an observation and awareness about living. I’d almost call it a fearlessness about dying.
Pragmatically, I just have no reason to end my life because I enjoy it more than I don’t enjoy it and know it would pain others more a lot more than me (don’t worry mom).
Perhaps it’s why the late Stephen Hawking always said:
“Quiet people have the loudest minds.”
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so curious, self aware (obsessed?), mindful and informed.
“Ignorance is bliss.” They say. Perhaps I meditate too much.
Maybe too much meditation gives us these mental super powers but the amount of mindfulness it causes creates a curse as well? Tim Ferris interviewed over 200 people in his book tools of titans and found 140 of them share a habit of meditation.
While research has shown the dark sides of mindfulness and too much inquiry can lead to confront their darkness, it also shows massive benefits that outweigh the potential.
I’m not surprised, for example, that Dr. Yuval Harari, who meditates for two hours a day and spends sixty days a year in meditation retreats is one of the top performing professors and writers in his field. From a day to day performance stand point meditation helps us think clearly and stress less.
Harari also happens to point out our scientific meaninglessness more than perhaps anyone to date:
“As far as we can tell from a purely scientific viewpoint, human life has absolutely no meaning. Humans are the outcome of blind evolutionary processes that operate without goal or purpose. Our actions are not part of some divine cosmic plan, and if planet earth were to blow up tomorrow morning, the universe would probably keep going about its business as usual. As far as we can tell at this point, human subjectivity would not be missed. Hence any meaning that people inscribe to their lives is just a delusion.”
While Harari probably has the least faith in any kind of meaning for human existence, at the same time, his mindfulness also gives him the capacity to be happiest.
If I were a betting man, I’d bet that he’s much more happy then sad.
So perhaps Anthony Bourdain was actually very happy even though he chose to end his life?
If I were betting, and after reading his history and the Buenos Aires episode, I’d guess he didn’t spend much time in meditation, which may have had him identify with all the thought he’d conjure up and likely had him leave this world unfortunately in a sad state.
Research shows that thoughts are the result of our feelings, and the more suppressed and repressed feelings we have, the more thoughts happen to us.
This often leads to the metaphorical ego student, getting it’s grips around the neck of the observing master (you) and having you believe and react to those thoughts instead of observing and responding to them.
Was Bourdain the master of his ego or was he taking orders from every thought?
When You’re Feeling Dark And/Or Lethargic — Steps To Take When You Have No Energy
“First thing to do is get physical, change your state.” Tony Robbins
1. Change Your State
I’ve found trying to change your physiological state to be a tough one because the last thing you want to do when you’re energy is low is push yourself physically.
Therefore, you have to do something pretty extreme and forceful for this to work.
Here are the natural ways I’ve found to work for me:
- A handstand on the wall or handstand if you can do it. This works because it’s hard on the muscles and forces deep focused presence, and blood flow throughout the body and brain. You’re upside down, pushing your different muscle groups. If you push until failure, you’ll definitely come out of it with heightened senses, increased blood circulation and a physiological lift.
I’ve recently been following this crazy genius who treats his state of mind as sacred and works closely with leading doctors to enhance mood and performance using micro doses of lithium among other things. Tim Ferris just suggested the daily micro dose of lithium in this episode of his podcast as well.
2. Use Drugs
Sometimes we have to hack our way out of a state we can’t control.
As a general strategy, I try not to use drugs and don’t use any on a regular basis though more and more am beginning to play with them for help and enhancement.
*Disclaimer: This is just my personal opinion and I’m not in a place to be listened to on the regularity of drug use.
3. Talk To People Who Make You Feel Good
I generally spend a lot of time alone, whether I was a founder of a company or reader/writer, I always went out of my way to spend time alone thinking and being creative. I also believe this is the key to successfully getting things done.
However talking to people you love and enjoy makes you feel good. Heck even talking to people who in your mind, have it ‘worse off’ then you do is a way to feel better about yourself.
I mentor a college student who’s breaking out of poverty and will call him every now and then. That could mean being a mentor to someone or empathizing with someone who also is dealing with a situation.
4. Treat Yourself Well And Don’t Feel Guilty
“Treat yourself like you want to be treated, love yourself like you want to be loved.” Dr. Joe Vitale
We humans rarely treat ourselves the way we consciously believe we want to be treated — ridden with guilt and
Just yesterday I went to war with my tell me: “how can you not know how to use this technology yet? You’re stupid.”
When in fact, learning anything new for the first time is hard and my self-talk should be “do your best and learn this new thing you’re seeing for the first time.
The general reaction pattern and heuristic for all of us should be a long the lines of:
“If this is happening to you
5. Watch Something Entertaining and Distracting
The truth is everyone has a hard situation at any given time no matter what their status or context is.
The internal stress induced from one persons “OMG this dress isn’t the right color” can be the same as someone not knowing where there next meal is coming from.
It’s not about what’s inducing the stress, it’s about someone’s worldview, reality and expectations. And then there’s how they react to to it all.
It’s all relative.
When I need to power through, I tell myself the happy story that I get to watch epic entertainment for hours on end because I don’t feel well.
Just the excuse I need to get through some great series.
Why I Won’t Kill Myself And You Shouldn’t Either
Happiness is an art, and about satisfaction, contentment and fulfillment — and I’ve become a master at turning my day to day journey into a pursuit filled of meaning, learning, growth and joy. If I can do it, you can too.
When I’m not feeling those things, I have strategies to kickstart myself out of it and on the really dark days, cope and get through.
This is how I define my ‘performance’, how optimal I feel each day. Add to that, I uphold high standards.
Most people don’t have a standard at all for how they feel and perform much less hold themselves to a high standard of feeling good. It’s shocking what we are willing to endure when we aren’t aware of something (so don’t feel bad if this is you).
Even brilliantly smart people like the now world-famous Dr. Jordan Peterson, who as a clinical psychologist and best-selling author on how to live well, admitted that until the last couple years, he’d painfully wake up every day, depressed and hurting in his body until he changed his diet.
Remember, in terms of performance, you’re only as good as the minimum standard you’re able to uphold, and that means doing something every single day — to the point it becomes a part of your self-image. When you do something every day, the ego investment has us believe we are fit (exercise), lean (diet) or smart (reading).
Daily habits are systems, and your systems become your standards. So if you’re having big dreams and visions of doing things, boil them down into small daily habits, then they’ll become systematized and become a part of who you are. You’ll thereby remove the chance of failure and it’s achievement will become natural and effortless.
For example, skinny people workout because skinny is their self-image, it’s who they are. Overweight people aren’t able to ‘get skinny’ until it becomes a part of their self-image. Why? Because the ‘kind of person’ they perceive themselves to be doesn’t workout, and it’s therefore difficult, while the image they hold of themselves, therefore making working out not a part of who they are.
As the pioneer of self-image, Dr. Maxwell Maltz says:
“Realizing that our actions, feelings and behavior are the result of our own images and beliefs gives us the level that psychology has always needed for changing personality.”
And to make something we do a part of who we are, it needs to become an irrefutable standard we do every day — because ‘that’s the kind of person we are’.
I have a simple routine that I’ve made my mission to check the boxes of each and every day. Checking these boxes is my daily game, and the results they generate and identity they’ve helped me create makes them meaningful and worthwhile.
Do a version of these 10 things and you’ll be on your way to happiness, joy and meaning in your day to day experience, perhaps even enough to re-consider suicide if you’re had those thoughts or thoughts of indifference like I have.
Here’s a screenshot of the Google spreadsheet I use for reference.
1.Wake up at the same time every day and mark it daily with a Y/N
2.Turn your mobile off upon waking to eliminate the chance of distractions and check that you did it with a Y/N
3.Make your bed and clean up your room as neat and tidy as you can and mark it with a Y/N
4.Read spiritual text as the first thing you do (or watch uplifting videos) and check that you did it with a Y/N
5.Write in your journal about who you are and the person you want to become and check that you did it with a Y/N
6.Do 15 minutes of cardio, a 15 minute stretch and a strength workout (I use the free 7 Minute Workout app). This can be done anywhere at anytime without a gym so there are no excuses. Mark it with a Y/N
7.Do the one most important work activity that requires your most brain power. Check that you did that with a Y/N
8.List anything else that you want to do every day and start small.
I do 30 minutes of meditation, sharing two articles on social media, stretch 20 minutes, read 3 hours and a few other things.
9.Check them all off with a Y/N
10.Grade your “State Of Mind” with a 1–10 grade.
This inspires ownership for how we feel and you want to take ownership of this as much as possible. Ie. when I feel down and in the dumps, it’s often because I didn’t get enough sleep a long with other things that were in my control.
The purpose of this sheet is less about the items (though those are the things I do and highly recommend), rather the atomic habit of keeping yourself accountable to your day to day tasks, systematizing and therefore burning in the items into your nervous system. This alone will give you all the purpose and meaning you could ask for, and the feeling you get from knowing you did everything to win a complete day will give you the peace of mind that you were useful and productive. Human beings need to feel useful and moving toward something.
I do these 10 things daily, and they give me all the meaning and joy I’ll ever need — because meaning and joy come from getting better at things, and improving.
They produce happy things like purpose and confidence, which are atomic habits that produce other happy things like tangible results.
- Winning in the marketplace.
- Looking good in the outfit.
If you’re thinking of committing yourself to doing these things each day is like living with a drill sergeant, limiting life or living like a robot, it’s effects are exactly the opposite, they’re liberating.
It’s why former Navy Seal Jocko Willink constantly advises people:
“Freedom is on the other side of discipline.”
Getting these 10 things done gives me the freedom to do whatever I want and the peace of mind of knowing I’m in control.
In general, you want to think of variability and novelty as the enemy — as it drains away willpower and gives us too much choice, and too many choices for the 86,400 seconds in a day isn’t effective.
Why?
Because life happens in moments and it only takes a moment to slip up. We need to be able to quickly pull ourselves out in the next moment, and that next moment has the power to become another moment, and then another, which can quickly become a downward spiral.
Unfortunately, our downward forces have more devastating effects than the upward forces so we constantly want to be cutting our down side in every moment we can, taking every inch to ensure we nip things in the bud early on and fuel and feed the upward moments.
This is why daily systems and habits are so important — it’s so easy to slip up.
Conclusion
I wonder if Anthony Bourdain was actually happy the moment he chose to end his life.
Can you be happy and still choose to do that?
Is an indifference to living the same as being depressed? I don’t think so.
Is happiness the the core reason for staying alive? I’m not sure.
I think daily improvement is what makes life inspiring enough to jump out of bed and take on the day and be happy in the process.
It’s the context of the individual day, the 24 hour time block where we spend most of our lives experiencing.
Perhaps Anthony Bourdain had grown and improved all he could and was happy with the six decades he lived.
Or perhaps he was in a downward spiral that exhausted him to the point where he just couldn’t go on.
I believe growth and mastery for how we do anything is the underlying driver to keep us going through the hard times.
I know as long as I’m growing, I’ll have the energy to keep going.
Maintaining the habits are what I believe will give me the foundation to keep growing.
I hope I maintain them and I hope you create your own system to keep going and growing.
This story is published in The Startup, Medium’s largest entrepreneurship publication followed by +396,714 people.
Subscribe to receive our top stories here.
