Inside a Socially Anxious Mind
And a practical way to overcome social anxiety
For those who don’t know me as a person (or maybe you do), I respond to the characteristics ‘quiet,’ ‘shy,’ ‘introvert.’ While I enjoy spending time with my loved ones, I love being alone as well. It helps me recharge.
I’m not the most social person. If there’s a party on, I prefer staying home reading a good book or watching Casa de Papel (on Netflix). When I attend a meeting at work, I prefer listening and taking notes. If you think you’re going to hear my voice, you’re wrong. Instead, I listen to everything and process it in my own quiet way.
From time to time, I catch my mind being bombarded by a variety of nerve-wracking questions, such as
“What if I say something stupid?”
“What if I seem weird?”
“What if people judge me?”
Questions that everybody has from time to time.
I recently finished a book on Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). That well-founded, well-researched handbook helped me realize that, in fact, there is nothing wrong with me. I belong to the high percentage of people whose mild social anxiety is their friend (and enemy).
Breaking down social anxiety
According to Thomas A.Richards, psychologist and director of The Social Anxiety Institute, “social anxiety is the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression.”
For people who avoid and become anxious in social situations but seem better when they are alone, social anxiety might be the culprit.
If this article rings a bell to you, maybe you belong to that percentage of people who suffer from it.
“In the United States, epidemiological studies have pegged social anxiety as the third largest psychological disorder in the country, after depression and alcoholism. It’s estimated that about 7% of the population suffers from some form of social anxiety.” Thomas A. Richards
The good news is that SAD exists in different degrees. You might be a person who shows distress when speaking in front of a group or trembles when picking up a glass of water during a presentation, out of fear he will be judged.
You might feel anxious when you have to talk to people in authority (your boss for example) or you might avoid talking to people in your workplace, out of fear you’ll say something weird.
All the above situations have their roots in social anxiety but they’re not of the same degree. This means that you might be a little socially anxious or a lot.
Social anxiety feeds on avoidance
Let’s set the scene.
Imagine that you’re a socially anxious person and you don’t feel comfortable in the presence of people you don’t know. You get an invitation from a colleague to go to her birthday party and everyone from your workplace is invited. You’re new to your job and you haven’t made any friends yet.
So, what’s next?
Apart from feeling completely anxious, you find yourself stuck to make a decision. You’re happy she invited you but the thought that you’re going to be in a room full of strangers makes you shiver. You’re afraid they will see you like a weirdo if they catch you wandering around alone.
So, why don’t you just talk to someone, even if it’s a stranger?
Well, you can imagine why. You’re socially anxious, which means that you’re uncomfortable in social situations. You can’t find the courage to start a conversation and just the thought of that puts you off. It’s easier to stay at home with the excuse that your dog is sick.
What does this mean in layman’s terms?
You avoid. You avoid going there alone, talking to people you don’t know.
And you do that because you’re afraid that people will say “Oh! Look at that weirdo who comes to the party alone! How dare she!” (Obviously, they’re not going to think this; it’s ridiculous and you know it.)
So, you choose to stay at home once again. You reassure yourself by saying, “Next time I’ll pluck up the courage and go.” But next time will be even worse, it will be harder. In the end, it becomes a vicious cycle.
Battling social anxiety
Regardless of how scary it sounds, you can overcome social anxiety.
There is a variety of ways to deal with it and a good psychologist who understands social anxiety well will offer you the right kind of support.
However, an easy and fun way to do some work with your inner self and test your limits is to create your own Challenge List.
A Challenge List is exactly what it says on the tin. It’s far more interesting than any other list because you write down your own anxieties. Regardless of how ‘big’ or ‘small’ they are, there is a place even for the ‘tiniest’ one.
Start from the thing that causes you the least fear and would make you happy if you could do (for example, joining a fitness class on your own).
Gradually, you write down all your anxieties up to the ‘biggest’ one (for example, giving a presentation in front of an audience of 100 people).
These are your challenges and goals at the same time.
The next step is to work on them. Start at the beginning (with the one you’re least afraid of) and move down to the more challenging ones.
The reason why you should start from the ‘smallest’ anxiety is that that’s easier to achieve and, once you’ve made it, you will feel more confident. It will be your fuel to move down your list.
Don’t take it from me, take it from Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist.
“We do tend to think confidence should come first, then action. Whereas we gain confidence through action — we have to do the things before we feel 100% ready and then our confidence catches up.”
Each time you score out a challenge, you will feel in control of your anxieties and learn to face them.
This will help you grow out of your anxieties and be the real version of yourself.
References: What is Social Anxiety? https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety
Psychologist Ellen Hendriksen: We are each our own worst critic. https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/apr/14/ellen-hendriksen-we-are-each-our-own-worst-critic-social-anxiety-disorder-interview
