Loneliness after a breakup | That’s how to deal with it
“ Let’s call it over”
The clock hit little past midnight and honestly, it’s the last thing I was expecting to hear from her.
Also, I would be lying if I say ours was a perfect relationship. But! Whose is?
Indeed, there were some rough patches and misunderstanding that had built up in our relationship with time, but a breakup? Never crossed my mind….Followed with a brief moment of clattered silence, we put down our hopes, and of course the phone, and called it a day.
The next morning there was no call to wake me up or any good morning texts to brighten up my day, the phone laid lifeless on the bedside table. Nothing felt good about that morning. It felt as if someone had drained all the energy out and set me up for a journey I wasn’t prepared and agreed for. A journey which I have to walk alone without her by my side…I felt lonely.
With each past memory hitting my heart, I found myself more entangled in loneliness. Cluttered thoughts raided my mind callously and there wasn’t anything I could do to overpass the pain of it.
My family and friends were there for me, stood by me and tried their level best to cheer me up. I surely wasn’t alone…I was lonely.
Hopeless days followed by sleepless nights, but thoughts of her and the past relationship refused to leave my mind. Even tried to contact her, to reconcile with her, tried convincing her that we might be making a mistake, yet nothing worked.
The outer world began to appear alien to me, seeing ‘happy’ couples irritated me, gelling up with new people sounded meaningless, overcoming heartbreak seemed impossible, and spending most of the time lying on bed n’ dwelling into the past made more sense. And, I finally gave up to the loneliness and silently witnessed it taking over my life and daily productivity.
Now fast forward this…I am here, happy, empowered, at peace with the past, far from ‘loneliness’, and even far more grateful than I ever was. My past doesn’t bother me now, so as the people I was involved with at some point. Though I still have my fair share of ups n downs in life, everyone has, but that’s life’s default. However, breakups and people don’t affect me as they did once. Now I surely know how to overpass them and face them. I am pretty sure you can too, once you know how to.
So, what changed? What did I do to overcome loneliness after a breakup? What tips did I implement to negate its effects? What motivated me to turn my situations for good? What forced me to look at the brighter side? Well, surely it’s not some magic pill. Then what it is?
Relax, you are about to figure that out as you continue reading.
All I can assure you is that there’s hope and you don’t deserve to fall prey to loneliness. And you don’t need to turn into some mystic to understand something that’s fairly straightforward. My intention is to remind you of certain things that you may have forgotten but still lies in you.
This is not the end of life
Mostly when we are in love; or misinterpret to be, our wit often takes the back seat by letting our emotions to steer. Love towards some person starts to bloom which grows gradually with time. From dusk to dawn we remain occupied in our partner’s thoughts and neglect almost everything that doesn’t align with our world view.
Everything appears great, a deep sense of contentment is felt, and a belief is born, i.e, we don’t need anyone but just them in our lives…And we label that sentiment as ‘love’.
And, that’s exactly where the problem begins, that’s the moment loneliness takes the backdoor entry. However, we fail to realize it, as our emotions blindfold us by keeping us busy in enduring pleasures of a relationship.
In most cases, the very step that’s bringing us closer to our love, also distancing us from the rest of the world. And the moment things go south in our relationship, unasked loneliness strikes us because the only person we were dependent on our worldly needs isn’t around anymore.
So, what went wrong here?
The moment we become emotional-dependent on others for the fulfillment of both our emotional and physical needs, we involuntarily start to cut ourselves off from other people and society. Our life starts to revolve around just one person and we end up making him/her our utmost priority. Instead of accepting them as a part of life, we crown them as life itself.
Emotional overdependence is the biggest reason people suffer loneliness after a breakup. When relationship sails smoothly they seclude themselves from everything and want nothing else but their partner and relationship. And, when that partner makes an exit from their life, loneliness comes to haunt them.
But, the good news is; it’s not too late yet. What it takes is just a sincere realization that it’s not the end of life. Your life is still very much here, it’s just a person that left. Your friends, family, work, hobbies are still here. Don’t give up just because of an illusion of emptiness. Treat your heartbreak as an experience, something you can learn from and get past with time. Don’t isolate yourself and sob for the things that didn’t work, work on things that you can still make right. Learn to be self-sufficient and self-dependent, don’t wait for others to make you feel special.
Loneliness might hit you unconsciously, but for you to survive it, a conscious decision of dealing it with bravery should be taken. Do not let your emotions run wild, take control of them, let them rest for a while, and then let your awareness take charge from now on.
Don’t give up to loneliness so easily; this is temporary, this is not the end of life. This is merely an end of a chapter, so many more are yet to explore.
Be expressive
Being heartbroken doesn’t mean that we should slip into ‘airplane’ mode. After my first breakup, I chose to stay silent by not expressing all the pain I was going through. I continued with my normal life, a regular routine, but rarely let anyone know of the intense pain and inner conflicts I was struggling with. And rather than improving my situation for better, it turned worst.
Then came a time where I got clueless about what I should do to ease my pain and ended up being angrier and anxious than before; which affected other areas of my life too particularly my studies, my friendships, and mental peace.
I don’t want any of these things for you. And the best way to keep yourself safe from these inner conflicts and struggles is to be a little expressive. It’s completely fine if your breakup hurt you more than you expected, it’s okay if your emotions are getting out of your control, there’s no need to fake your smile when the reality is completely different from it. Be completely real about your situation.
Even if you feel like crying your heart out, go for it, don’t overthink. If expressing your pain to your loved ones gives you relief, then don’t wait for the right time, just go talk to them and let them know your struggles. Or, if in case you are an introvert and find hard to share your thoughts and emotions, just take a pen and paper and write down anything that comes to your mind. Writing is one of the most effective ways to express any kind of emotion. The more you express your pain, the lesser it will affect you.
There might be chances that your friends or any family member had suffered the same heart-wrenching experience and have some valuable advice to give you to overcome it.
Also, if in case your loneliness has turned into a serious issue like chronic anxiety, or even depression, don’t feel shy to seek some professional help.
The point is to be expressive rather than wearing your breakup as a badge of strength, nobody is honoring you with any medal or something for conquering it alone. With each moment of expression, you learn something which you couldn’t have done it alone.
Go soft on yourself
As Steve Maraboli said it so brilliantly; “ The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward. “
There’s no way you can come out of this loneliness if you are still hoping her to come back(when you clearly know, she wouldn’t), to undo the mistakes of the past, wishing it never happened or going hard on yourself by taking all the blame to yourself. In order to overcome this phase of loneliness, you need to go soft on yourself by freeing yourself from the past. Don’t punish yourself, don’t beat yourself around the bush.
Just accept the situation and move forward. You don’t need to stay in the past to learn from it. No matter how heavenly, or even hellish, it was, the fact is; it’s over. Creating more pain for yourself won’t help you to overcome it. Unless you make peace with your past, it will keep stealing peace from your present.
If by going into “ lone-zone” you believe your ex will come running back to you and beg you to take him/her back, it’s utterly foolish reason to create negativity around yourself. A little grief period is indeed necessary to recover from a breakup, but don’t let it affect you on a deeper level.
Also, there’s no use of limiting yourself to a handful of people, and of course, to your room. Don’t lock your heart towards new experiences just because some old ones didn’t turn right. Go out, meet new people, get closer to them, let them come closer, and just live.
Moreover, don’t overindulge in self-judgments and faulty beliefs, it’s not the right time to figure all that out. In short. don’t waste your time and energy on things that don’t add anything positive to your recovery.
Embrace your loneliness
Sometimes what appears as our enemy, turns out to be your best ally. Likewise, the situation you want to get rid of might turn into the only way towards peace of mind. What you are labeling as loneliness, I would like to call it “me-time”. In the times where having a few precious moments of peace seems impossible, having a good uninterrupted ‘ me-time ‘ is a blessing.
Rather than allowing loneliness to take your life by storm, use that storm to direct your next sail. Don’t build a resistance around loneliness, let it be there and just use that me-time to do some deep thinking. Allow your mind to indulge in some deeper and clearer insights, allow it to set your life’s priorities, allow it to figure out your dreams, allow it to set further goals, and just silently witness the whole process perfectly working out for you, not against you.
Use this time to enjoy the things and activities you always wanted to. Be it learning some new skills, reading some new books, practicing mindfulness, or even enjoying your favorite activities, welcome everything with an open mind and fully indulge in them. Utilize this “me-time” in a way that it no longer haunts you, befriend it, and use it to bring you back to life.
Believe me when I say; in order to fix your outer world, there is a lot to be fixed in your inner world.
Don’t overcomplicate things
Lastly, don’t complicate your already complicated life with more unnecessary “may be’s”, “if only’s, and “But’s”. Stay at peace with everything. Stop troubling your mind with the past memories and the people that had gone long before and isn’t serving any good to your present situation.
Resist calling your ex, stalking them, texting on social media, or even posting and sharing dull emotional posts on your social media. By doing so, people over-complicate everything. For example, at times people call and beg to their ex to come back, and when their ex’s don’t respond the way they expect, then they turn even more miserable than before. They stalk them, keep a note of their daily activities and finally end up being more frustrated than before; It’s like coming back to point zero, and the struggle to overcome loneliness becomes more challenging.
The fact is; nothing stays the same, everything changes. Even the sharpest of the pains dull with time. Your mind is struggling continuously because you are throwing needless worries and stress towards it by making it believe that you still have the power of making decisions. But, the truth is exactly the opposite of it.
Start looking at everything with a broader perspective, don’t let temporary pain to block your vision, try to look beyond it. Life situations won’t always be the same, and at times surrendering to those situations is the best way to uncomplicate them.
Originally published at https://breakupped.com on July 31, 2019.
