Photo by Kate Hliznitsova on Unsplash

Breaking Booze

I divorced my lifelong partner, and her name is Chardonnay

"We drink because we have to because life’s a miserable piece of shit.”- Jim Jeffries

It’s a beautiful fall morning, a Sunday. I can’t help but notice the feeling of peace, optimism, motivation, and positivity that seems to be emanating from my very pores today. Feeling this good is a rarity for me, so I always take the time to notice and savor these moments when they come. As my six-month anniversary of being utterly alcohol-free approaches, I wonder if my fantastic mood has anything to do with kicking the habit.

My job is still overwhelming, and my partner is frustrating. My son struggles to navigate life in the Covid-era, and my precious grandchildren live 500 miles away. My finances are not great, and that darn check engine light is still on in my car. And yet, despite all that, I am so buoyant this weekend! Is it merely a coincidence, or can my newly-embraced alcohol-free lifestyle be a significant contributing factor? Nothing is ever black and white, but it feels good to consider that my choice has had this unexpected and fantastic side benefit.

The decision to cut alcohol out of my life happened six months ago. It was the day I got my first dose of the Moderna vaccine on March 20, 2021, and it was the last time I drank a glass of wine. Eventually, my decision to temporarily stop drinking would morph into deciding I was done with it forever. There were steps and stages along the way, of course. It started as a hiatus while I was on a mild anti-depressant frequently prescribed for insomnia that requires abstaining from alcohol.

Now, I am entirely alcohol-free. It was a radical and rebellious decision that went against the norms of society. Still, I’m more confident that it was the best decision I have ever made with every passing day. It hasn’t been easy, and there are many days when I still crave a pretty glass full of that elixer that bewitches so many of us.

I can still imagine what Chardonnay tastes like. I can hold the feel of the stem of the wine glass in my mind, smooth between my fingers. I can see the condensation forming in tiny beads on the goblet and how the light plays in the beautiful golden liquid when holding the glass up to the sunlight. Slowly spinning the stem, savoring the beauty of the fermented nectar, bringing the thin edge of the wine glass up to my eager lips, and inhaling the aroma as the wine enters my mouth.

The first vicious sip was always the best. It felt like a reward for everything; the bullshit, years of hard work, stress, and challenging relationships. That first sip always had so many good intentions behind it, too, intentions like “I’ll only have one glass” or “I’ll go on a cleanse tomorrow.”

I never intended to down a 1/2 bottle of wine or more at a time, but invariably that was precisely what would happen. I would tell myself with each trip to the refrigerator that it would be my last of the evening, or even the day, for that matter. My anxiety and shame would build. I alternated between mentally berating myself for my lousy willpower or comforting myself with thoughts of how I deserved to give myself a treat.

With each trip to pour me a little more, I died a little bit more inside as I knew deep down that keeping up the drinking culture lifestyle was not a healthy path for me. I felt trapped and either couldn’t or wouldn’t see a way out.

To make matters worse and drinking even easier, Covid happened. Before I knew it, I was drinking wine by 2 or 3 pm while coding invoices, and I felt like I needed that glass just to get through my workday. Even once I realized that I was using alcohol to self-medicate the thought of stopping was extremely scary. Deciding enough is enough and to stop using the second most addictive substance known to man, behind only heroin, is one of the most challenging tasks to undertake.

The sad truth is I was not alone in my drinking behavior. The CDC released a report in 2018 focusing on the drinking habits of Americans. The study found that an astonishing amount of the stuff is being consumed. According to the report, “researchers found that about 1 in 6 U.S. adults reported binge drinking an average of about once a week, consuming an average of seven drinks per binge”.

People regularly lie or under-report about how much alcohol they consume, so it is reasonable to assume that the numbers of those drinking too much could be grossly understated. Slowly falling into a wine-muddled haze was always a welcome escape for me, a way to quiet my over-anxious mind. And why wouldn’t it be? Not only is drinking alcohol deeply engrained in our culture, but it is also highly encouraged, marketed to us, and entrenched in media like no other substance.

In recent years advertisers have been aggressively targeting women. Kate Baily is a UK-based podcast host and the co-author of “Love Yourself Sober: A Self-Care Guide to Alcohol-Free Living for Busy Mothers.” Kate says feminized marketing links alcohol to how busy women navigate stressful situations. “Women were using alcohol [as] an acceptable face of self-medication and stress release. We were sold it as this kind of reward at the end of the day”, says Bailey.

I bought into all of that advertising hook, line, and sinker. A pretty pink Rose? Ok! Mimosas? Please bring a pitcher. A wine purse to “discreetly hold and pour 2 bottles of Wine from a removable, easy to use, BPA-free beverage pouch”. I’ll take two of those, please. How about Tie Dye Rose from Babe, “the cute, delicious, take-anywhere wine in a can that pairs with literally everything.”

Drinking pretty alcohol made me feel pretty, too. And while I was slowly being sedated by drinking, it was easy to forget all the ways alcohol was making me NOT so pretty. Contrary to how the media portrays alcohol and the strong, confident women who drink it, it really does wreck your skin, age you prematurely, and cause a whole host of other maladies to your physical appearance.

Despite all the health risks associated with drinking, my doctor was fine with my wine intake. She even told me decades ago she would rather see me “drink a few glasses of wine every night” than suffer through my anxiety and stress. I was literally told it would be healthy for me to use alcohol as a way to self-medicate. The overall health risks of drinking any alcohol are very widely reported, but check out this article from Harvard Medical School if you need any reminders.

I turned a blind eye to the facts for years. Not only due to my doctor’s advice, culture, and marketing but because it was also so widely reported that a glass of wine was considered healthy. You can’t have too much of a good thing, right? So may as well have two or three drinks, because, after the first one, it is so much easier to convince yourself that having one more won’t hurt anything.

Drinking was what I always did to get by, to get buzzed, reduce social anxiety, reward myself, and, frankly, to fit in and comfortably socialize. And since my doctor had given me permission, I felt for years that it was really ok. Besides, by drinking, I could fit in with people who seemed to be having a lot more fun than me, the ones who found socializing easy. Always a shy person when I was young, alcohol gave me “liquid courage” to get loud, to be the life of the party, to kiss that boy, to take that dare. For decades now, I have been living a lie about who I really am, which is a somewhat introverted bookworm. Not any more.

The time that I was on the medication flew by, and my sleep and depression improved. One day, my sister casually said, “Have you thought about stopping alcohol completely, like for good? What’s it doing for you, anyway?” At that moment, sitting in my sister’s tiny home living room, I realized I had been considering going on. I wanted to see how long I could go without drinking and observe how I felt as time went on. As I drove home afterward, I started to get the feeling that maybe it really was time to try a different approach to life.

My sister was well aware of my almost daily habit and occasionally bingeing. Years before, I had arrived in a very buzzed state to my niece’s birthday celebration one evening that was held at a popular beer/pizza joint on the coast. I had ridden the train up with my daughter and husband (two of my all-time favorite party partners) solely for the convenience of being able to drink on the train. We had a 1.5-liter bottle of Chardonnay with us and had consumed 3/4’s of it by the time we got off the train and walked to the restaurant, with the bottle stashed in my large tote bag.

At some point, I poured more wine from my stashed bottle and, although I thought I was plenty sneaky, the restaurant staff saw me, and we were subsequently asked to leave. I was too wasted to feel embarrassed, only confused as my sister guided me by the elbow and back to the train station. The next day, the Duff Elves were my companions, although they didn’t stick around very long.

Time went by after the conversation with my sister, and eventually, three weeks passed. I spent the time observing how my sleep pattern and depression slowly improved. I realized I was managing fine without alcohol. When I stopped taking the medication, I miraculously stayed fine. I’m not saying it was easy, especially on warm weekend afternoons when cravings for a cool glass of white wine on the porch would gnaw at me, but I was ok.

I told my daughter about my progress, and she mentioned she did “dry January.” To help her get through the month, she read Holly Whitaker’s book “Quit Like A Woman.” That evening, I started listening to the audio version of Holly’s book. I was wholly engrossed in the story. This woman held absolutely nothing back, and her raw authenticity inspired me to be true to myself and stop hiding in the bottle. After I was about halfway through the book, I decided that I, too, wanted to live my life without the influence of a toxic substance in my body.

Holly’s book greatly influenced me but it wasn’t the only tool I used to help myself. There are many others I’ve used over the last six months which I am still using today. I encourage anyone sober curious to try some of these strategies:

1. Find support: Support can come in many forms, even from complete strangers on the internet! There are many sobriety/sober curious groups forming worldwide on Instagram, Facebook, Meetup, etc. I follow the hashtag #quitlikeawoman and many sobriety-focused accounts, such as SoberMomTribe, Sobermotivation, Roosboozesnooze, Sobergirlbookclub Soberdave, and so many more. The key takeaway is you can never have too much positive reinforcement in your life. There are plenty of like-minded individuals out there who will understand EXACTLY what you are going through.
2. Listen to Sobriety Podcasts: Everyone’s story is different, and everyone’s level of drinking is different, so finding a podcast that speaks to you and your circumstances is vital. What I found is the most helpful for me is for someone to be authentic with me, raw with me, and tell me the truth. My absolute favorite podcast is Sober Awkward, out of Australia. The two ex-pat Brits are my lifeline because they make me laugh out loud in my car, and I adore their voices and their willingness to spill ALL the beans. The hosts, Lucy and Vic, are retired party girls with stories that are so cringe-worthy they actually make me feel like I was a lightweight all those years! But on a more serious note, they provide relevant tips and advice. In Season 2, Episode 1, the hosts interviewed William Porter, who wrote the fascinating book Alcohol Explained. The facts presented in the episode were mind-blowing and validating. I encourage anyone, even those not sober curious, to give it a listen.
3. Do you fancy a cup of tea? In the early months of my quest to kick the alcohol habit, my go-to when I felt the cravings coming on was herbal tea. Cup after cup of herbal tea. Well, if you decide to skip the alcohol, you might find yourself reaching for those herbal tea bags at all hours of the day or night, too. Part of the allure of alcohol is presentation. Why not make your tea into a beautiful ritual? Eventually, I found lovely “tea things,” like thrifted vintage china cups, to elevate the ambiance. My cast iron Japanese- style kettle is a deep turquoise blue. I use it mindfully, taking the time to notice the steam curling up as I pour the hot water into the pot. I even prepare myself a “tea service” tray with tiny -jars of honey and cream to add as I please to my steaming cup. Mindfully making tea into something extraordinary helps soothe the longings. At the very least, it distracts me from the cravings, for few moments anyway. For me, the tea ritual brought into close focus how overcoming the alcohol habit happens just one moment at a time.
4. Cali-Sober with cannabis: Using marijuana but not alcohol is sometimes called “Cali-Sober.” Is it cheating to rely on another substance when weaning off another? I don’t think so because my goal was to delete a harmful, toxic substance from my life. Cannabis is neither harmful nor toxic, and it helps me to avoid booze during high-anxiety moments. Although still stigmatized, cannabis does not have the health risks associated with other mind-altering substances, such as alcohol.
5. Be patient and prepared: A dramatic lifestyle change takes time. Be prepared for the long haul, and be sure to keep your fridge stocked with alternative beverages. I drink an Izze Sparkling Juice in a wine glass most evenings and always have a selection of bubbly waters chilling. During the summer, when not drinking was the most challenging, I got creative by crafting “mock-tails,” complete with swizzle sticks, garnishes, and fancy glassware. Just because I wasn’t having alcohol didn’t mean I couldn’t have some fun with beverages.
6. Allow yourself treats: Especially in the early days, I found myself reaching for Peanut M&M’s, ice cream, and other sweets much more frequently than I usually would. While kicking such a significant habit, I felt it was ok to temporarily let my guard down on snacking on not-so-healthy foods. After the first two or three months, I was able to go back to my primarily healthy eating patterns.
7. Keep a journal: Keeping track of my progress and writing about how my quest affected my emotions and my body helped me keep on the path. I referred to that journal several times while writing this piece. I’m so glad I bothered to write so much down!

In addition to feeling better about myself than I ever have, having better quality sleep, and less anxiety, I find that I now have endless time. I used to fill so many wasted hours being, well, wasted. I was preoccupied with alcohol, especially wine. I planned my weekends and vacations around wine. I rushed through my chores on Saturday mornings because I wanted to be ready to have that first glass in the afternoon. On Sundays, sometimes I had my first as soon as the sun was over the yardarm. The newfound luxury of time is something I wasn’t prepared for. Until now, I didn’t realize how much time I spent buying, thinking about, storing, pouring, and consuming alcohol.

I realize now how much money I’m saving by not drinking. If I hadn’t spent so much money on alcohol all those decades, maybe my finances would be where I want them to be by now. Gratefully, I saw the light before it was too late for me. I have a second chance now, and I am not going to waste a moment on regrets.

Only time will tell what the ultimate outcome of my quest will be. Still, for today I will allow myself to consider that something this marvelous could be happening to me. I will believe a tired, drained woman in her late 50’s who left too many dreams behind can reinvent herself.

Today I am asking myself if it’s finally my time to reach for some of those dreams, tap into that motivation and optimism and create a new version of me. I feel that breaking up with Chardonnay is why I have the chance to make some of those dreams come true now. I’ll let you know how it goes.