My Grandfather Gave Me the Best Networking Advice
He Asked Me to Flip the Script.
Growing up, my grandfather was my role model. My dad traveled extensively for work back then, and we didn’t see him often. However, we lived in a joint family, and my Grandpa was always there for my sister and me. He took great care of our family.
We had a small retail garment store back then. He managed that store with the help of one employee. I went to the shop quite often to manage customers and the cash counter, especially during peak business seasons. (Yes, retail stores did have peak seasons back then).
I did not enjoy going to the shop as such, but I did that to help him take some rest. My Grandpa was in his late sixties then and also suffered from mild arthritis. Standing long hours wasn’t good for his health. I was studying in school then and had some spare time after I was done with my studies and play so it worked out.
My grandfather had strong routines and habits. While most of those made sense to me, I could never really understand one piece of it. Every evening, when we had a relatively quiet time at the shop(lesser footfalls), he would call one of his friends there and just talk to him about life in general and check in on him. There was no agenda and no outcome for these meetings. His friends came, had a cup of tea with him, and spent 30–45 mins talking about anything and everything under the sun.
Most of his friends had retired by then and easily found time for this activity. Their conversations were fascinating. They ranged from politics to cultural musings to sociological issues. No matter what the conversation, they always ended it by asking if there was something they could do for the other person. Every conversation ended like this. “Is there something I can do for you?” or “Any help that you need from me?”
More often than not, the other person responded with a no and asked him the same question. There were very few occasions when someone actually sought help or favors. Despite that, they asked this question every single time.
This ritual felt slightly strange to me. It was quite unlike most of the other conversations around me. My curiosity got the better of me, and I asked my Grandpa.
“Dada (Hindi for Grandfather), Why do you ask this question every single time? Didn’t you meet him just two weeks back? Doesn’t it get monotonous?”
He listened to me patiently and took some time to respond.
“Beta (Hindi for son), In life, relationships are everything. No amount of money or success will make you as happy as your close relationships will. Most relationships fail because we look to exploit them for our benefit. We want people to help us, to lend us some money, to celebrate our success and to attend our weddings. But when you turn this situation around and look to help them instead, you will never have to ask for help. These relationships will stand by you and help you whenever you need it. That’s how you form strong and healthy relationships.”
I was 13-year old back then and never really grasped the seriousness of this answer. This sounded like another boring philosophical explanation (rant) to my straight forward question on a mundane activity. My grandfather did have a habit of throwing around his wise tidbits. Not something that an impatient teenager cherishes.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
My grandfather, back then, was practicing what a lot of us fail to do today. He was networking and doing it the right way. Not the opportunistic & self-serving networking that we engage in today.
We have a plethora of tools, platforms, and occasions to expand our networks and connect with people today. In fact, that’s what we are advised to do: To exploit these tools and grow our network aggressively. After all, the bigger and stronger our networks, the more opportunities we get. Job opportunities, Business opportunities, and other Social opportunities.
Networks have been reduced to being an opportunity pool and nothing more than that.
Try answering this question for yourself: What is the thought that comes to your mind when you are staring at the screen looking at an incoming call from an old acquaintance or an ex-colleague or a long lost friend?
You’re probably thinking: Why is this person calling me? What do they want from me? This, right here, is a prime example of opportunistic networking.
We reach out to people primarily for our gain, and we expect the same from them.
When was the last time you reached out to your network proactively to help them with something or just as a means to stay in touch (and check in on them)? I doubt most of us do that anymore. We’re too busy to connect with people when we don’t need anything from them. However, when it comes to seeking favors, we are quickly reminded of the importance of networking.
Networking Categories
We can divide Networking discussions & conversations into three categories
#1 Value-Adding: When you reach out to people in your network proactively to share something that is valuable for them and helps them. Example:
- Reach out to job seekers in your network to share referral/s.
- Introducing two people in your network who may benefit from knowing and working with each other.
#2 Neutral/Reconnecting: When you reach out to people to stay in touch with them and strengthen your relationship. There is no hidden agenda and no ulterior motive. You are keen to reconnect and learn more about what’s going on with them.
#3 Value-Seeking: This is when you reach out to people to seek some help. It could be a job referral or an introduction or even some financial assistance. Basically, you need some help and reach out to people for the same.
Category 3 Pitfalls
I am guilty of being a heavy category 3 networker myself, and I am not alone. I see it all around me. Most of our networking discussions today fall in the third category. People reach out to others when they need something from them, and most stop connecting once that need is satisfied or that want is fulfilled. We rarely move from value-seeking to neutral conversations. Forget about value-adding. We seem to get extraordinarily busy after having received the favors. The next time we venture out is when we need some more help.
The other major problem with opportunistic networking is that value seekers build their networks only when they need it. That is like repairing a malfunctioning ship when you’re caught in the middle of a storm. Your network is best created when you don’t need it. That way, it is there when you do need it.
When you engage in value-adding activities, you’ll see new opportunities arise. As Dr. Cialdini states in his book, Influence — Reciprocity is deeply ingrained in our brains. When you help others, they are obliged to help you. If you engage in category 1 or 2 networking regularly, the chances are that you won’t be turned away the next time you seek help from your network.
Make the shift
Networking is a two-way street. You can’t expect to keep getting value from it without providing any. Effective networking needs a fundamental shift in the way we look at it. At the core of it, networking is nothing but improving the quality of our relationships. For it to work, it has to be a people-driven and not an opportunity-driven activity.
So, where do we start?
#1 Reconnect with people who’ve helped you
It’s easy to forget them and move on in life. Reflect on all the opportunities that you got in life and look for people who made those opportunities possible. You may not have kept in touch with them. However, it’s never too late. Reach out and reconnect. Be prepared for an awkward conversation if you haven’t spoken to them in a while. Be clear about your intent to reconnect and keep in touch.
#2 Stay in touch
Following my grandfather’s routine may not be possible for us today. However, we can spare time to talk to anew person/past contact at least once every week. One of my friends does this religiously. He blocks an hour every Sunday and talks to someone he may not have kept in touch with. In addition to learning more about them, this activity also exposes him to many unforeseen opportunities. Like any other habit, the key here is consistency. Notion’s personal CRM is a great tool to remain organized and stay on top of this activity
#3 Help and check if they need help
We have many resources to help us learn how to ask for help but not many to help us learn how to give. Giving doesn’t come naturally to most of us. Hence, we need to be intentional about it. When your friend asks you to help their newly launched business, don’t ignore it. Try and help in whatever shape and form you can. If someone you know is looking for a job, see if you could refer them to someone else in your network. We have been helped along our way here. Pay it forward.
My Grandfather passed away 7 years ago. He was born and raised in a small village in India. Unlike many of us, he wasn’t fortunate enough to receive a formal education. However, he was a keen observer of human behavior and had mastered the art of relationship management. His words, which seemed frivolous and boring to me then, were probably the most important I have ever heard when it comes to networking.
