My life before meditation

I live in a cozy studio apartment in an outer pocket of a very dense city. The constant “hustle and bustle” means there is no room for quiet hours. Noises fold into each other from morning to night to morning in the unmistakable way that urban sounds do.

In the morning, I pry my eyes open just enough to snooze the “Sunny” wake-up sounds coming from my phone. Right away, the city makes its way into my ears. I lay half-awake, warm under my big blanket, and I become aware of the noises, one by one. The drilling sounds from construction nearby, the low grumble and hissing of a garbage truck, a seagull welcoming the morning, the thump thump thump of a neighbor’s footsteps in the hall, a man on the sidewalk yelling something incomprehensible, the whirring sound of the street cleaning truck.

I roll over to reach for my phone:

Three Slack messages from work, a news article from the Washington Post, a text from Mom, “This iPhone hasn’t been backed up in 3 weeks”, a LinkedIn request, a friend’s post in a Facebook group message…

I set my phone down beside me and stare at the ceiling. And — slump! — my stomach sinks. A familiar wave of prickly anxiety washes through my body. Then my mind starts:

I forgot to review that document yesterday. What time is my first meeting? Ugh, I should have gone to bed earlier last night. I need to text Mom back. I have so much to do today. I should actually go on a run after work this time. Oh, but there’s a happy hour I said I’d go to…

My eyes are wide open now. I open my phone and scroll through Instagram for a few minutes. Now I feel even more restless… I think, Why do I do this to myself?

I’m not even out of bed yet and my anxiety has already won my day.

I only began meditating recently. Not because I only recently discovered it, but because I was so desperate that I finally allowed myself to let it into my life. I needed to feel calm. The scene I described above was happening daily. Every single day I wrestled my anxiety that way.

The video from my Mom that I mentioned was a guided meditation video. It was probably the 50th video my mom has sent me about the topic. She meditates every day, yet for some reason (until recently), even though I saw how much happiness she gained from practicing daily meditation, I told myself I didn’t need it.

And then I decided to take the leap: I should just try the meditation thing. What do I have to lose?

I began by purchasing the Headspace app from the App Store (yes, I actually paid money). The first morning, as soon as I rolled out of bed, I did an ambitious 15-minute session. It was rough. I felt stupid. Why couldn’t I just focus on just my breath? The 15 minutes were over and I think I only “meditated” for about10 seconds of it…ugh. I took my headphones off and got ready for work.

The next morning, despite the previous flop, I gave it another shot. The second session was only marginally better than my previous one. The next day, a teeny bit better. The next day, the faintest improvement, and so on.

I am proud to say that — as of today — I have meditated 14 times! Summing up to a grand total of 4 whole hours. To be totally candid, even after 14 sessions, I don’t feel a whole lot of a difference… But I will tell you this. Since I’ve started meditating, I’ve had coworkers and friends tell me things like, “you look so calm today”, “you‘re holding it together so well”, and “you seem happy”. Huh, this stuff is working.

Maybe I don’t feel a great difference because the incremental stairway of my meditation practice only shows up in the subtlest ways. My shoulders are slowly making their way down from my ears. My jaw is learning to release its grip on my teeth. My mind is a little bit more aware of my surroundings, making it easier to stay afloat amid all the whizzing conversations and information around me.

What a simple thing. With intention, some breaths of air may be all you need to feel okay again. So simple.

Meditation takes time, but it is worth the time and effort. I now make the conscious effort to meditate before I check my phone in the morning. It’s the best thing I’ve done for myself all year. I really only wish I hadn’t been so stubborn and let daily meditation into my life earlier.

If you feel like your anxiety always gets the best of you, I really hope you allow yourself to open up to what meditation has to offer.