Overcoming Toxic Friendships in the Workplace
If you’re an introvert like me, you probably find it hard to connect with people straight away. Shyness, lack of eye contact, and a quiet nature can come across as aloof and distant.
As friendships develop, many will manage to break down those barriers. But only a select few will make such an impact that they are upgraded from a friend to a close friend. You trust them. You open up.
And this is where the destruction can happen.
From colleagues to friends
Let’s focus on the workplace. You see these people five days a week for roughly 30 hours. Your close colleague becomes your friend, your therapist, your family. You trust them. You open up.
You think to yourself that you’ve finally found that friend you’ve been longing for. Someone who shares your interests, who hangs out with you outside of work, someone you can chat with about anything and never run out of things to talk about.
You look forward to going to work because that friend makes the 9-to-5 bearable.
Then opportunity strikes. And you’re in the firing line.
Toxic friendships
A promotion comes up at work. Or a big boss is doing the rounds. Your colleague/friend is more outgoing so makes an immediate impression. I’m the type of person who would never begrudge this. I understand that people have different personalities. I’ve learned to embrace my introverted tendencies and I will have my moment in a quieter setting, perhaps over email or in a one-to-one. I support my peers. I support my friends.
So what do you do when that peer, that friend who you’ve spent so much time opening up to, abuses your trust to make themselves look good, and you look bad?
“You don’t let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you start caring about yourself.” Charles J. Orlando
A natural reaction is to feel betrayed; you might get upset, or perhaps even ignore what’s happened as it’s not in your nature to confront it. Working in this kind of dysfunctional workplace can negatively affect major aspects of your life, including your health, happiness, and wellbeing. It’s important to deal with the issues in order to create a positive workspace. Just remember, you’ve earned your right to that job as much as they have.
Here are some tips to remember if you ever find yourself dealing with toxic work friendships:
Take a step back and establish boundaries
Your relationship with this person can start and end at work. Even though it may have progressed to a friendship, it’s better for you to be aware of that person's motive. Revert back to a working relationship, keeping things civil and casual. It’s understandable to want to cut them out completely, but keeping things on a courteous level will maintain a calm and functional working environment.
Remember, the toxic colleague might be putting on a different face in front of your peers/manager. You don’t want to look like the one causing tension in the team. Though we know that’s not the case, it’s the objective of the toxic colleague to cast themselves in a positive light and they will go to any lengths to make that happen.
Act against your reflexes
If your typical reaction in these circumstances is to suffer inwardly, try an alternative tactic. Pull the person aside and explain what is bothering you. Having everything out in the open can make things easier, especially when you have to work together and can’t avoid them. If it’s easier, make notes so you don’t have to think on your feet. Introverts can find it difficult to speak to people spontaneously so don’t be afraid to write down some prompts.
Be firm and calm rather than confrontational. There’s a chance they might be so blind-sighted by their own ladder-climbing that they haven’t taken into account your feelings. It might feel awkward, but speaking up is the best way to tackle the problem.
Raise it with your manager
If nothing changes, consider speaking to your manager. They’ll probably have no idea it’s happening, especially if your colleague has painted a completely different picture for them. It’s a good idea to speak to your manager after you’ve spoken to the person responsible. This shows that you’ve taken initiative by trying to work it out between yourselves. If the problem is still there, your manager should be made aware. Remember to:
- Remain impartial.
- Highlight the ways you’ve tried to overcome the problem.
- Don’t just complain — work politics is something most managers will want to stay out of. This is something that has gone beyond a clash of personalities, so be sure to communicate the facts clearly and explain how this is affecting your work life.
Don’t gang up on them
You may have another colleague who is being subjected to the same toxic friendship. It can be a relief to open up about your feelings and how this same person is affecting you both. That’s fine (and sometimes necessary), but my advice is to do this in private. It can be easy for the workplace bully to flip the blame onto you both and claim they’re the ones being singled out. What started off as a bit of a rant between two affected colleagues can just as easily be turned against you in the form of gossiping or bullying. This clearly isn’t your intention but be aware of the lengths some people will go to make themselves out to be the victim.
Instead, work on building relationships with your other colleagues and brand yourself as a positive, friendly, and approachable person.
Toxic friendships in the workplace are harder to deal with because you can’t just cut those people out of your life. Instead, you have to develop a relationship that enables you to work alongside them. Always put yourself first in these situations as ongoing toxicity can lead to poor mental health, stress, and a reduction in productivity. By following these tips, you are well on the way to creating a healthy workspace, a productive environment, and a happier mindset.
