Re-Write Your Story For A Better New Year.
As we’re approaching the end of 2019, many of us look back at the passing year, evaluating how we did, and forward into 2020, thinking of what we’d like to do differently.
If you’re like me, you probably tend to put an emphasis on all the things that didn’t go quite according to plan; and while it’s important to recognise and learn from our mishaps, over-emphasising ‘the negative’ can adversely affect your attitude in the coming months.
Our attitude, importantly, turns into thoughts which then inevitably affect how we feel, what we pay attention to, and how we behave.
The other day I came across a very uplifting article, listing 99 good things that happened in 2019. Most of those ‘things’ we probably haven’t heard of, because, sadly, the picture that the media usually paints for us, is that of war, political instability, hatred and intolerance, and environmental destruction.
But it’s not the full story. There’s a lot of good things happening in the world every day — small actions and big initiatives alike, which go completely unnoticed.
Did you know, for example, that the population of humpback whales has now reached almost 93% of their population size before they were hunted to the brink of extinction?
I didn’t know that either! Have a read of the article for other amazing examples of how the world is doing better than we’re often made to believe.
The point I’m trying to make here is: there is a good side to any story and it really is up to us what meaning we derive from it.
Now, we are a story-telling species and almost nothing in our lives really holds universal value without the surrounding story. Don’t take my word for it; even the Nobel-prize winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman and bestselling writer-historian Yuval Noah Harari say so.
A very good example of this phenomenon can be found in politics, with opposing parties spinning available facts into completely contradictory accounts of the state of the world. Many voters, too, end up voting for or against those ‘stories’, rather than the individuals and their political agenda. People often care more about ‘making their country great again’ (which assumes a grim story of country X losing her strength and being in some kind of danger) than the steps required to do so.
In our private lives, stories play a powerful role as well. Two people might construct entirely different narratives about very similar situations.
For instance, one person going through a break-up might tell themselves that they are unlovable, that people cannot be trusted, and that true love does not exist. Another person yet might see their break-up as a sign that they are in fact lovable, they just haven’t met the right person; that their broken heart is an ultimate sign that they are capable of intimacy and love; and that they have learnt a powerful lesson or two that will make their next relationship better and more durable.
These two people might be going through very similar experiences, but due to the stories they tell themselves, their future behaviours and realities are likely to take entirely different shapes.
The first person’s self-esteem is likely to crumble and they might struggle opening up to future suitors, no matter how wonderfully trustworthy and compatible they might be. The second person, although hurt, will probably put themselves together faster and walk into the future with a more resilient and hopeful attitude, noticing and being open to the plentitude of good people around.
Our storytelling minds usually weave stories unconsciously, fuelled by our past experiences and personality.
If you’ve gone through several bad breakups and you tend to be more neurotic, your story is likely to end up quite negative, emphasising potential dangers and disappointments.
Having a variety of experiences, both good and bad, combined with a more optimistic disposition, in turn, is likely to result in a more uplifting story — that of hope and infinite possibilities.
An unrealistically optimistic story, however, can do us disservice as well, preventing us from realistically evaluating facts at hand and drawing useful learnings for the future.
The key, I believe, is to be able to step away from our past experiences and personality-fuelled narratives, to objectively evaluate the past and shape our future attitudes with a dose of realistic optimism.
An amazing thing about humans is that we hold a certain degree of control over our cognitive processes. We can stop our stream of (un)consciousness for long enough to be able to ask ourselves: “Wait a second! Is this what I want to be telling myself? Is this story bringing me closer to what I want?”
I guess the next natural question here is: what is it that we want? Although the answer is likely to be unique for each individual, overall as a species we all want to be happy and avoid pain.
Now, the funny thing about the stories we tell ourselves, whether positive or negative, is that they’re actually meant to serve the same purpose — they are meant to help us achieve happiness and avoid pain.
Importantly though, our minds are primarily wired to detect potential sources of danger (or pain, in this case), and so the pain-avoiding narrative is often likely to take precedence in our story.
The person who tells themselves that people aren’t to be trusted, in fact, does so to protect themselves from future pain and disappointment.
But happiness isn’t a mere absence of pain; just like good health isn’t a mere absence of illness.
If you’re craving intimacy and connection, simply building a ‘no-one-can-be-trusted’ pain-protecting shield isn’t going to bring you closer to fulfillment. You have to recognise and steer away from red flags, whilst also swimming toward calmer waters, metaphorically speaking.
Going back to my original point, as we approach the end of the decade, we have a choice in the kind of meaning we derive from last year’s events and the attitude we adopt for the coming year.
We get to write our own overaching story to fuel thoughs and behaviours that will bring us closer to what we want — achievement of happiness and avoidance of pain.
To start with, we need to take an objective look at our reality, listing all the things that are going well in addition to those that aren’t. Chances are that there’s is much more to be happy with and grateful for than you may expect!
Secondly, we need to challenge the negative narratives surrounding our so-called ‘failures’ or ‘mishaps’.
Most of the time, we tend to judge situations by their outcomes; we see ‘failed’ business ventures, side projects, or relationships through entirely negative lenses, often forgetting about the lessons and benefits we were able to draw from them, both short and long term. We also tend to focus on everything that we did wrong that led to that outcome, instead of recognising everything that we might’ve done well.
Of course, it’s only natural to feel hurt, disappointed, angry, self-critical <insert any other appropriate emotion> when things don’t go our way. But there has to be a moment when we take a step back and at least try to objecively evaluate the event that caused our distress in the first place.
At the end of the day, the risk of disregarding ‘the good side’ of our stories is a fear-fuelled life that is unlikely to bring us closer to what we want and need in order to be happy.
And so, I invite you to take a proactive role in writing your own story. Take a moment to list all significant events and experiences of 2019 — both good and bad. Be grateful for everything that went well and give yourself credit for all your achievements.
Sometimes we disregard the joy of avoiding ‘the worse case scenario’, so try to appreciate the invisible accomplishments too, such as being able to maintain your health, job, friendships, or relationships.
Of course, recognise the things that didn’t go well too, but try to evaluate them objectively, trying to create a more balanced narrative that will enable you to effectively approach similar challenges in the future.
Importantly, play the devil’s advocate, questioning any purely negative assumptions your over-criticising mind might be whispering in your ear.
And remember, most difficult experiences** in life will either lead you to a better place or make a great dinner story; and, with the right attitude, possibly both.
** Of course we’re not talking about truly traumatising events here, like a fatal illness of a loved one. However, with a more constructive story (or attitude) in place, even those excruciating occurrences can be dealt with way more efficiently than when we succumb to utterly discouraging narratives.